How do I get my wife back to work?

dbs

Izzy. wrote: »

Of course you would because you know what it's like to go out to work every day and it holds no fear for you. Your wife has spent years at home caring for you, the children and the home and its proberly a very frightening prospect for her. You need to talk to your wife.

So glad you think I am the big tough man who is not scared of getting a new job after 27 years at one company who has been told by his GP that I should be getting an easier less stressfull job and working normal hours so I can stop taking my IBS medication thats why I asked my wife to go back to work in the first place.

Izzy.

dbs wrote: »

True because if she was the breadwinner and I was a house husband I would go back to work for her.

Also I have helped her bring up the kids i.e. changed them,fed them,bathe them,took them swimming because my wife does not swim or even go in the pool,took them to the supermarket because only I drive on my own many times, yes I have been there in the middle of Safeway Saturday peak shopping time both kids fighting who is going to push the trolley and my daughter cut her eye lid blood pouring down her face with trolley full of shopping then trying to explain to the wife what went wrong when I got back, happy days.

You edited your post to add the second para after I quoted you. Nobody is underestimating you and what you have done for your wife and children but I think you are underestimating your wifes feelings and her lack of confidence about returning to work. Please talk to her about her reasons for not wanting to go back to work because if you show some understanding, empathy and try to support her rather than force her you might just get what you want.

1sue23

dbs wrote: »

True because if she was the breadwinner and I was a house husband I would go back to work for her.

Also I have helped her bring up the kids i.e. changed them,fed them,bathe them,took them swimming because my wife does not swim or even go in the pool,took them to the supermarket because only I drive on my own many times, yes I have been there in the middle of Safeway Saturday peak shopping time both kids fighting who is going to push the trolley and my daughter cut her eye lid blood pouring down her face with trolley full of shopping then trying to explain to the wife what went wrong when I got back, happy days.

Well done you go shopping with the children and you had a bad time , welcome to the world of the stay at home mum.

Izzy.

dbs wrote: »

So glad you think I am the big tough man who is not scared of getting a new job after 27 years at one company who has been told by his GP that I should be getting an easier less stressfull job and working normal hours so I can stop taking my IBS medication thats why I asked my wife to go back to work in the first place.

You all type quicker than me.

Hey no need to be so defensive. That's not what I said. It must be hard for you after 27 years but its hard for her too and as I said you need to talk to her about your feelings and listern to what she says too to have a chance of working this toughie out.

LouBlue

A different situation I know but after working fulltime for 21 years, I left a job through stress and found myself not returning to work for over a year. I lost all my confidence, thought I wouldn't be good enough to do any job at all, it was a horrible time. I don't know if this is how your OH feels just wanted to say that attack is the best form of defence. She gets angry about it, it may be because she is really worried about it. I know that may not be the case, just thought I would let you know my situation. Good luck.

WASHER

Maybe your wife has the impression you want her to return to full time work, maybe if you mentioned only part time, this would certainly be less daunting for her. Your wife and yourself would also need to consider childcare for the 12 year incase he was off sick from school, all these issues are probably going round in your wifes head and she panicking. I know I would be if I hadn't had to deal with all these things before.

LouBlue

WASHER wrote: »

Maybe your wife has the impression you want her to return to full time work, maybe if you mentioned only part time, this would certainly be less daunting for her. Your wife and yourself would also need to consider childcare for the 12 year incase he was off sick from school, all these issues are probably going round in your wifes head and she panicking. I know I would be if I hadn't had to deal with all these things before.

Yes, even when my OH would gently try and get me to apply for jobs, I would start panicking and then fly off the handle at him. And that was only not working for a year. I can't imagine how she might be feeling after 15 years. Luckily he was more than happy for me only to do a few hours a week to start with, he just wanted me to be happy and confident again, which is what I did. I have now built up to 28 hours a week and am happy again and am starting to feel normal again.

sp1987

dbs wrote: »

True because if she was the breadwinner and I was a house husband I would go back to work for her.

I do not know why this has turned into such a sexist rant. Women should do this, should not do this. The OP and his wife have a specific set up which worked whilst the children were growing up. I will be going out to work whilst my partner stays at home (he is much more patient, much less stressed and could start a business from home if he has sufficient time).

I would be mortified if in 15 years time he refused flatly to get a job and argued about the mere thought of it. She is, I assume, at home because of the children. It is quite irrelevant what gender she is, she was providing a much needed role at home, now that role is becoming less time consuming and they are both getting older, the OP would like to lessen his load a little. Maybe he would like to see his children more? I have IBS myself and can sympathise that (especially if stress accelerates the symptoms for the op) he needs a little time at home himself, even if he is digging in the garden to make up for what she has less time to do. He may want to feel more like a couple working together for a common financial goal and not his partner (whatever sex she happened to be) creating more expense he has to account for. I would not buy a bigger house if comfortable in the current one, especially being mortgage free!

The OP does not appear to be wanting to send her to the workhouse 24/7 and is defending her daily routine saying she does not sit around...so a little support for somebody that would like angles to tackle this sensitive situation would be nice, I'm sure.

If I was you, OP I would tackle why she does not want to learn to drive? Is she very timid of cars and does not want to be in control of one? If that is the case pushing her to do it may just make the problem worse. Explain to her why you want her to have the convenience of driving that you take for granted, so she sees you are thinking of her. If she cannot manage it then it is not the end of the world. Encouraging her into a working routine, e.g. with voluntary work at a charity for a few hours etc may help to build up her confidence steadily and make you feel that she is taking steps in the right direction.

WASHER

dbs wrote: »

yes I have been there in the middle of Safeway Saturday peak shopping time both kids fighting who is going to push the trolley and my daughter cut her eye lid blood pouring down her face with trolley full of shopping then trying to explain to the wife what went wrong when I got back, happy days.

May I suggest internet grocery shopping.

Does your wife use a computer?

dbs

Yes it would hard for her to go back to work but as I tried to point out if we both worked we would both not need stressfull high paid jobs she could pick and chose her part time job (well before the credit crunch that is)

At the moment its ok but I know when she sees a house she wants to buy I can see trouble ahead hopefully it will not get to that but I find it very frustrating not to sort this problem out once and for all because its no good for me or my wife.