Advice

shelly

Hi again Linda. Now a bit more info is coming out I have to ask, you are worried about using your money as deposit and want to protect it and have it paid back to you in the event of a divorce but you also say that your husband is going to contribute more to the house than you so what happens if you do divorce and he asks for his money back from you?? Would you pay him back what he has contributed?

To me this doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. You both hide money from eachother, you obviously don't trust eachother. I really can't get my head around this thread at all. I know we are all different how we live our lives but to me this doesn't sound healthy at all. As I said before, my hubby bought all the money to our relationship and still does. I don't contribute a penny to the house at the moment but to us thats immaterial, what I do give to him and the house is myself, we have eachother, to us thats worth more than any money. If I never worked again it wouldn't be a problem because he would support me, and it would work the other way if I earned good money but he didn't earn any. If we were to split up I would be a lot worse off than him but I have never felt the need to get myself some savings on the off chance this happens. I know that if I ever wanted anything he would give me his last penny and ask no questions.


I think that you both need to sit down and talk about the relationship and what you both want from it. Also you need to start trusting eachother.



Good luck.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Some advice given to me by my gran when I got engaged (many decades ago) "Don't share your bed with someone you don't share your finances with". I would add sharing financial information to that.

linda_chan

I listen what you are saying, i think my problem is that i do not trust anybody including myself. And after reading shelly and dora's post i realized I am afraid of loosing everything (money wise)and starting from beggining in my 30. I do belive that in case of divorce he would be fair. He does know how it looks when you loose everything and I did help him a lot.But it is also true that he does earn more than me.

He always say I should trust him more and I do but then I have those moments of "Oh my Gos what if""and then hell starts.
I do thanks for your comments because it does show me the road. i will sit with him tonight and talj about my feeling and everything....

linda_chan

And Shelly I only feel angry about deposit because I did earn it when I did not know him, which means money befor him, his money befor me went to ex. So I ask myself why should I give mine money(in my head) if he gave his "past"money to his ex.
Does it make sence?????????????Or I completly lost the plot.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Linda, good luck with your talk - an honest and trusting heart to heart conversation can be very helpful.
It sounds like you are still trying to understand your feelings about the money he gave to his ex, but remember it was for his children as well which means he was being a good and responsible father. His money made sure they were taken care of and their mother was taken care of so she could look after them properly. The alternative to that arrangement was that he took the children and looked after them, which would have meant you looking after them as well. How would you have felt about that?

shelly

linda_chan wrote:

And Shelly I only feel angry about deposit because I did earn it when I did not know him, which means money befor him, his money befor me went to ex. So I ask myself why should I give mine money(in my head) if he gave his "past"money to his ex.
Does it make sence?????????????Or I completly lost the plot.

Yes it makes sense. If you feel so strongly about not using "your" money for the deposit could you put off getting a house until you have saved the money betwen you now and keep your money?

flossy_splodge

I still believe that it is vital for a woman to protect her own future. An earlier poster said how she doesn't understand as with her it is all 'ours' etc. I am so pleased there are couples who deal well by each other. I am just saying that I am not alone as a woman who had a career, was earning more than him then gave it all up for a family life as he didn't want a 'working' wife. Guess where that leaves me 20 years on? Yep, up the creek! Children now left home so no leverage there and he's off capitalising on all the effort I put into supporting him in his career - I used to coach him in how to deal with work situations as I was quite senior and he was not. Guess I did too good a job. Should have left him to struggle. Just believe it is all rosy whilst things are good but for a woman in particular there is a lot at stake if it goes pear shaped years down the line. Maybe one day I will meet a guy with integrity who restores my faith! Good luck anyway Linda. :undecided

Mrs_Optimist

I say listen to your gut instinct - you appear to have grave doubts and they are there for a reason. If he is hiding money from you, and you him, maybe he could be hiding debts from you too? Just a thought. I think a sit down frank discussion wiht him will air your worries.

And I agree with previous posts, the money he handed over before he met you is in the past. There is no going back, only looking forwards (and out for each other)