Advice

linda_chan

I am married about three years and half now to a man who I love. But he is careless about money. he does not think carefully before purchase and that really hurt me as i come from a family whi is VERY careful with money. He knows I have some savings which I made befor marriage and I alredy used quite a bit to help us out as when he divorced he paid his wife and children out. Now we are about to buy new property and he drives me mad. Every time when I talk to him about money, deposit,lawer fee, we get in fight, and yes deposit is mine. My question is should I give money for deposit or no. Thank you for reading and for any advise. He always want union and us working together I just can not give up my money . and still I want this house.

Penny-Pincher!!

Hiya and welcome

In the last 3 and half years since you've been married what has he contributed financially to the relationship? Did he pay back what you gave him in money terms when he divorced? Is the property in your name solely or joint?

Looking through your posting, you seem to answer the question yourself...careless with money, he doesnt think before purchasing (that really hurt you), ive already used quite a bit to help us out as when he divorced he paid his wife and children out etc etc.

Personally, I wouldnt do it and thats with what I know by reading just your post.

Hugs hun. Good Luck.
PP
xx

Rachie_B

does he work?

if you dont cough up for the deposit can you still afford it? you say you really want that house ???!!!

i dont get the whole £x is mine £x is his stuff in marriage lol maybe im just old fashioned :P

when we got married and even before everything was "ours" even though ive been a SAHM for the last almost 4 yrs and so not contributed financially

it must drive you mad that hes so careless with money ,have you really sat down and discussed it properly???

hope you get through to him

Fran

Hi Linda,

Yes I agree you have to somehow discuss this with him, he needs to be taking some responsibility on the financial side. I think you should decide what you do with your money - maybe that was one of the reasons his previous marriage didn't work?

Perhaps you should refuse the deposit at this time, does he want the house as much as you?

It's difficult!

'M'

Sorry to hear about your problem Linda,
Just a thought; Maybe he knows that you are responsibile with money so he doesnt have to be! It looks like you are the one who saves the family so he doesnt have to worry. You always done so, he knows you will do it again!

shelly

Rachie_B wrote:

i dont get the whole £x is mine £x is his stuff in marriage lol maybe im just old fashioned :P

I agree Rachie. I thought being married was a partnership and everything was equal. I don't understand people in marriages owing each other money or saying thats mine and thats yours.

When hubby and I first got together he brought all the money to the relationship, when we bought our house he paid for the deposit and most of the bills. At the moment I'm not working and he gives me an allowance to cover my essential bills and he wouldn't dream of ever asking me to pay it back.


linda chan-I agree that your husband needs to be more responsible with cash but not all of us are MSE'rs. I was dreadful with money when we first got together but over the years his way with money has rubbed off on me.


Think of it this way.....if you were the careless one and hubby was the saver, how would you feel to think that he wouldn't pay for the deposit on the house?
As I said before, to me marriage is equal partnership and this shouldn't even be an issue. I (we) have savings in an ISA and hubby knows I'd gladly give him every last penny, without question, if he wanted it.




I apologise now if my post seems harsh and I don't mean to offend anyone by anything I've said. I just can't get my head round it.

linda_chan

Thanks to everybody.Do not worry, I appreciate every comment. He works and get dubble my salary. He is Bob the builder. I think I need my cushion,"if something happened". I did not give him money to pay off his ex, I just help him to get on his,our feet. He is the one who always say we, and I say I. Thanks Shally I will try to think as we changed the roles. I always wanted a man to take care of me and I always take care of everybody elde. Oh and the house woul be in our names. he was badly hurt in his divorce so if something happens I THINK he should be ok,but you never know.

linda_chan

Sorry on my english I got bit excited. Thanks. Oh I forgot he comes from family who just love to spend and they always had money. Maybe that is influence as well.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

I always wanted a man to take care of me and I always take care of everybody elde

Linda, perhaps you've identified the problem. Have you have been looking after him and the financial side of things and he has been happy for you to do that? Perhaps now is the time for you both to sit down and check out that you both understand what the role and responsibilites should be for each of you and discuss what changes need to be made by you both so that you both understand what you should take responsibility for, jointly and individually. Good luck, and your english is fine.

Sharra

My ex was the same, he you to spend money without thinking about it. Whenever he was stressed he would buy things without telling me, I would just find receipts in his pockets! I'm sure it was cos he came from a well off family and had never learnt the value of money.
I would definitely try to tackle this as it will become an issue and could well give you debt problems in the futre. I would try to explain how it makes you feel, maybe if he understands that he might think twice for your sake.

pickle

This is a really tricky situation. I've never had money given to me so I've always been very careful also, so I know how you feel. If he's never been short of money then it is very difficult to teach him to value it. I guess the question to ask yourself is whether you'd be able to make up the deposit quickly if things went wrong. How long did it take to save for? Is it worth sacrificing? Can he raise half the deposit before you invest? It doesn't mean that you don't share the money but perhaps some commitment on his part needs to be demonstrated (especially as he earns a lot more than you).