Advice

HelenK6

I have also come from a family that constantly saves money. They would drive 10 miles to save a £1! My husband on the other hand doesn't seem to understand money. Although to his defence he's a lot better than he used to be, he now opens his bank statements!!!!

I'm currently looking to go down to 4 days a week- work wise, I'm looking to study one day a week, so need my husband to cover the lost of money. Which is a great way of giving him some responsiblity to help out but not scarying him completely. We've also agreed to look at what we're spending on a weekly basis to work out how the situation is progressing. Before we consider whether children are an option!!!!!

I also agree with Rachie B - what's his is mine and what's mine is his, marriage is a partnership not a business. When we bought our house I put down the deposit, if you don't have trust you don't have a relationship.

But you know the best thing my husband has taught me - enjoy yourself while you can. If you see something you like and you can afford it - just do it. Money doesn't make you happy - life/love/friends/family make you happy, sometimes that costs money.

Men do leave this sort of stuff to the woman to sort out, lets give them a chance at prove us wrong.

Good luck xx

linda_chan

HelenK you are right marriage is partnership and he did taught me to enjoy life. I do look on everything through money. In my defence I did come from poor background. It just kills me that he came moneyless after divorce, but now he does not need to pay eneything anymore. So we are on the beggining as 20 years old.
Now he goes with me shopping to Asda. I needed three years to make him to go and to shop there. I mean he is improving I just do not want to part of money and I have fear that if it comes to divorce to stay pennyless. I talk to him but he starts understanding that I always complain. He did say that he is ready to sell THE CAR if we need more money.
Thank you so much on your comments as I forgot that marriage is not bussiness.

Mrs_Optimist

Linda - hun, if I were in your shoes I would also have my doubts. It is all well and good saying marriage is a partnershp (and to a certain extent it is) but if you are the one using your money which you saved before you met him, and he is still spending money he doesn't have, I too would have grave reservations. Whats to stop him borrowing further money against the house once you have it? You would also be liable for any loans applied against the mortgage. I would sit down and have a frank discussion about this. It is true, you should be working as a team but you should both have the SAME goals.

Incidentally I am the spender in our relationship - my husband would give me his last pound, BUT we do not have any loans, credit card debts except the mortgage, because I respect my husband too much to run up debts knowing full well how he is with money. I am the main wage earner and could live the life of Riley if I wanted to - on plastic. I wonder how many other postings on here can say the same? (Sincrer apologies in advance if I have offended anyone)

linda_chan

Of course you did not offend me. We do not have any debts either, It is just that I hate him for giving everythinh his ex(I did noy know him then) and using my sweat for everything. he is hard working man otherways. I still have doubts and I do not know why. That is what i am trying to figure it out. As far the plastic goes he is very good. He just hate savining the cash and I love saving it. I hate spending money,if i have to spend it is like somebody is pullung my heart out. I hope this makes sence.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Linda, it looks like there are two different things going on here, 1. you resent the money that had to go to the ex and children. You have to accept that because it's happened and there is nothing you can do about it.
2. he won't sit down and plan out the financial side of buying a house and until he does the house probably isn't going to get bought - how would both of you feel about that?

linda_chan

Hi Dora, if we do not buy the house it would be TERRIBLE. I think if we get the house the fighter in him woulde be awoken again. He does ask me now about buying things and he does try it is also that I expect a lot from him.

He also tells me what he did in the past is the past. I had really hard time to forget it. I do try but it is eating me. BUT it will get better, I hope. We need to buy this house and I think many things would come back on track. He is already planning what to bult and rebuild. Thank you

gingercordial

Hi Linda

Just a couple of thoughts if you are worried about your money.

1. It may be possible to have a contract when you buy the house that says the deposit was your money, and that it will be repaid to you first if the house has to be sold, before the rest of the profits are split. Of course you will have to discuss this with your husband and get him to agree, and he might not like it as he will see that you have some doubt in your mind!

2. Do you have to use all of your savings for the deposit? Could you keep a small part of it back if you want to keep your own security? Does he know how much you have saved?

You must forget about his last marriage, he is with you now and loves you.

As it happens I also earn much more than my boyfriend and when we finally buy a house it will be my money for the deposit. Of course there is the fairytale of marrying a rich man and being looked after, but these days we have equality instead, so be thankful that we can earn our own money, so we don't need to be looked after!

Good luck with the house!

linda_chan

Thank you gingercordial, I already mantioned that I want that money back in cause divorce. It is going to be little bit difficult if I ask to be in contract. As he is commeted 100 procent and he will think I have doubts. But I will dross that btidge quite soon.
Oh I did put aside little bit money for rainy days.
Mayb to somebody this will look dodgy, but I feel I can trust myself 100 procent and even that is relative.
Yeah you are right I am happy to habe my independance. But life would be so much easier if I married richer man. Hi hi hi.

flossy_splodge

Sorry to say but I think it is VITAL that you contribute equally to things. So if you have money but he has higher earnings, how do you sort out who pays for what? What I am suggesting is that you need to talk openly about your feelings about money and suggest that you would feel more comfortable if you each understood who was taking responsibility for what. Perhaps as the higher wage earner he could pay the larger bills? etc. And NO I do not think saying what's mine is his is a good idea but then I have had the experience of being stung like this. I had the money as a saver, he spent. We split and he has hidden money :eek: and lied about what he has and now I am left struggling whilst he **** off on holiday with current girlfriend.! :mad: Look after yourself as no-one else will if worse should come to the worst. Sorry to be gloomy but a bit of a reality check now might save a lot of heartache later. Good luck.

linda_chan

Thank flossy, I do have more savings and he does not know about it. He does pay more in the house and of course bills. If he did not give the money in the house I could not live the way I do. He did come several times with hidden money but it always came up, and he always say he has it beacause I am dodgy. Hmm
Sorry for your experience and I wish your ex gets the same thing from his current girlfriend. B.....