Ex won't let me move on!!

hobo28

prettyinpink wrote:

Anyway for now the only solution i can really see is to stay put, I really can't take the stress anymore.

Now you've opened pandora's box, you might as well keep going. Otherwise what's the alternative? To stay with your current BF for another 5 years as is until your kids are 18? Just to please your ex and have them at his convenience?? That isn't fair on you or your BF either.

The thing I've learned is that in my rather mixed up blended family is that often you will end up having to make decisions where someone will be upset. You can't win whichever way you go. You have to do what you feel is right not what someone else thinks you should do.

Besides, if your ex decided to move further away, do you think he would pay you the same courtesy? He'd just tell you that he was moving but for some reason its not ok for you to do the same.

I think the key thing to consider here is how it will affect the children? What are the schools like in the new area. Are they the type who will be able to meet new friends? How close are they to their dad etc. etc. All these should be the main consideration.

Yes its not exactly fair on him but as long as you aren't changing the amount of time he has contact then tough, he's a big boy now. His happiness, wants and needs are no longer your responsibility.

If he takes you to court, he really is on a hiding to nothing.

Remember, an ex is for life not just for xmas!

hobo28

The child was around 5 years old at time. Mum had walked out when baby was a few months old, literally saying she was popping to shops and not coming back. Mum got back in touch when child was around 18 months and tried unsuccessfully several times to get residency. Contact at that time was roughly every other w/end, plus a few weeks in school hols. Ater Dad said he was moving to Scotland and mum stopped it, it was also set that mums contact was every other w/end, half of all school hols, and they alternated xmas and new year.

Such is the bias of the court system. If the roles were reversed, dad would never had stood a chance.

The difference here is of course PP is the mother and her kids are much older so CAFCASS will take into account their wishes. The key is the kids are happy to move.

Gingham_Ribbon

Scarlett1 wrote:

yes hun thats right, but the claim does close until a fresh claim from oz is started. My friend moved to adelaide 2 years ago with her new husband, their baby and the son from a previous relationship and her maintenance stopped, but last year she made a fresh claim with the australian csa and the ex once again pays

Honestly, I know it's off topic, but if someone takes your kids to the other side of the world, effectively stopping you being a parent to them, I can't see a single reason why you should have to then pay anything.

Good luck with your new life. I don't think a couple of hours in the car is the end of the world when he only sees them every other weekend despite living so close. (Provided that's his choice and not you stopping him from seeing them.)

Scarlett1

Gingham_Ribbon wrote:

Honestly, I know it's off topic, but if someone takes your kids to the other side of the world, effectively stopping you being a parent to them, I can't see a single reason why you should have to then pay anything.

yes I agree, I dont think she should have chased the ex for the mainentance either, its not as if he can just jump in the car and drive down the road

shame prettyinpink that you are stuck in limbo at the moment and your ex is dictating what you can or cant do, hope you find the strength to move forward and do what you think is best for you and your children (((hugs))) xx

jockettuk

im moving in with my other half in july, when daughter starts secondary school. ive been with oh for nearly 5 yrs and he cant move with me because of his job. we bought the house half way between his old house and my house.. its still approx 80 miles from my ex and he wasnt happy.. i saw a solicitor and we got a consent order form that we both argued abt then eventually agreed.. basically my ex will come to aylesbury from peterborough one a fortnight he was offered fri to sun but he said sat to sun so his choice. This is the norm now apart from hour and a half each thursday. so he will only miss out on 3 hours a fortnight. he will pay £100 per month less than what he pays now and i have agreed to meet half way to pick up when she comes home as he couldnt do fridays he has to come all the way to pick up.

stop the csa rubbish they a waste of time get a solicitor to get a court order that you both agree to and is best for you all..

My ex lives 6 miles away and sees our daughter at set times times he wants not me ive always been flexable so now im being flexable with my life and im moving on to be happy as he has been with his new partner..

absent parents are never happy with whatever arrangements are made but then they never around when the kids want to go here there etc so, we all want whats best for our kids and sometimes moving away from the ex is the best thing.. i know my daughter will have a better life with me and my oh but will still be in touch with her dad on a regular basis..

yeovilmac

The only issue I see regarding the maintenance he pays is that it might drop once you have moved. The CSA take into account how far he will have to to travel and adjust the assessment accordingly.

My CSA assessment for my oldest two couldn't take into account the distance I travelled to see them because it wasn't far enough. I travel 45 miles once a fortnight to see mine and it made no difference to the amount.

Turning_into_scrooge

I fought like hell to keep my son and his father together when we split up but he never made an effort at all. In the end i decided when my son turned 20 that it wasn't my place to keep fighting for it. My son has had no contact from his father since 4 Jan this year. He know where he lives and has his mobile no but has made no effort to call him. OK so my son could contact him, but to be quite frank he gave up on him also as he never made an effort with him. He lives in a foreign country and the last straw for my son was when his father married a girl younger than him who he also bought out of a bar. Some guys don't deserve to have contact with their children. The one that make the effort do.

Mr_Proctalgia

I think it is fair to say that moving "only" 80 miles down the road means a 320 mile trip for each visit. That will cost a lot of money nowadays whoever does it. Also you do not state your reasons for moving, but I do understand why you want to. Why did you not go through the CSA from the start?? I also have some difficulty with the comment of "his kids" Well they are "your kids" and you want to take them away from their natural father - I would be peeved too I think.
Playing devils advocate here I would ask you to have a close look at your motives and to decide whether or not they are entirely selfish or do you have thier best interests at heart as well - or just your own???

crazyscientist

prettyinpink wrote:

Thanks for replys.

My ex says if I go to the CSA they would laugh at me and my case would probably not be heard or dealt with for months if not years

thats just scare tactics and is completely untrue. your case would not be dealt with any less favourably than anyone elses. if someone said that to me it would make me more likely to get down to the CSA today and set the wheels in motion!

Spendless

crazyscientist wrote:

. if someone said that to me it would make me more likely to get down to the CSA today and set the wheels in motion!

My friends ex used to say stuff like this to her when they 1st split up and couldn't agree about maintainance. In the end when he said "you go thru the CSA then" she called his bluff and did. It ended up costing him more money.