Ex won't let me move on!!

prettyinpink_3

Hope there is someone out there who can help with my first posting on this site!!

My boyfriend and I would like to buy a property together nearer to where he now currently lives, which is some distant from where I am living at the moment. We have been together for 6 years. I have three children with my ex husband who currently lives in the next village and pays maintencance for them although there is no court order in respect of this.

He has threated to stop my maintencance if I should move out of the area with the children to start a new life, because it means that he will have to travel further to see them when he picks them up for the weekend. He says that i am being completely selfish to think of myself and not him. I am prepared to do at least half way travel arrangements if not all the travelling, but he adament that moving away will have a negative effect on the children who are currently teenagers and happy for me to move. He says i am not entitled to any maintenance because it means he will have less time with them.

Can he do this? Please help!!

wigginsmum

I'd talk to the CSA to get the ball rolling on maintenance; you are entitled to child support from him as their father. My DH's ex moved away with the kids when they split (about an hour's drive each way) and he's had to do all the driving twice a week for the past 8 years. It's certainly taken its toll on him - it wears him out. But your kids are old enough to have an opinion on this, as you say - can you all sit down as a family and discuss it? Is public transport an option? Your ex's reaction is prompted by fear that he'll end up cut out of their lives, but as you've offered to do at least half if not all of the driving, I'm not sure he's in a position to really argue. How often does he see them now? How far away are you moving? It would be best if you could solve this amicably.

Minky2Slice

I am sorry to hear that your ex wants to stop you from moving on with your life, but I can also understand his view that if you move too far away, he wont be able to see them as often, then again, how far are you moving? if it means he needs to drive more than a couple of hours more to see them, i can understand why he might be a little upset. But since you are willing to do the travelling, I dont see why he should have any problem with the new arrangement, especially when there is no small children involved, only teenagers? Seems a bit unreasonable to me...
As for him threatening to stop paying maintenance, I dont think he could do that, although I am no expert and have no experience in that field.
I dont really see what connection the maintenance has with the amount of time he sees the children??? Surely maintenance is paid to support the expense of having children ie food, clothing, school etc not something he pays according to the amount of time he gets to spend with the kids?
I am sure someone else on here would be able to shed more light

wigginsmum

In effect, what he's threatening is emotional blackmail - Minky's right in that maintenance is not about 'his time with the kids.' That's why I'd suggest getting the maintenance onto a more formal setting so he can't arbitrarily upset it (although the CSA doesn't have a great track record in enforcing maintenance payment).

prettyinpink_3

Thanks for replys.

My ex currently has the children every other weekend,at a time when it suits him, sometimes at teatime Friday, sometimes not until much later in the evening, we have to wait for his phone call to say what time he is picking them up, so I guess with me moving away it would not be so convenient for him to ring up when he chooses.

The distance is approx 80 miles so it is a fair way.

The withdrawal of maintenance, is I suppose a way of getting back at me for not being on his doorstep and to spite me.

My boyfriend says he would provide for all of us, but I don't see why he should have to sub my ex for his children.

My ex says if I go to the CSA they would laugh at me and my case would probably not be heard or dealt with for months if not years. I guess thats true sadly.

Thanks again

Bossyboots

Maintenance and contact are not interlinked and the courts frown on anyone who tries to make them so.

However, if he has additional expense in getting to see the children this could cause him to see them less. Lets face it, its all well and good saying now that you will do the driving and he won't see them any less but you are not really being true to anyone here. It is a fact, that once you settle into your new life you will not want the burden of travelling with your children to see their father. This will be a huge disruption to your life, as it would be if you ex was to have to do the journey. Also, your children are going to make new friends, want to do other things, get weekend work. All of this will impact on your ex's time with his children. Living in the next village would make amending the arrangements practical. Living far away won't. As the lives of teenagers evolve, contact will have to change. There is no scope for compromise when distance is involved, he can't pick them up from footy for example and have contact midweek instead of the weekend. You and they will get fed up with travelling and it will tail off.

wigginsmum

Yes it probably would take months with the CSA. But if that's his attitude regarding supporting his kids, then it doesn't say anything good about his skills or commitment as a father, and the kids are old enough to reach their own conclusions about that. Do they speak to him on the phone during the week? How involved is he apart from the weekend visits?

wigginsmum

But contact tails off to a certain extent with teenagers anyway as they develop their own social lives - DH has found it quite hard that his 16-year-old son rarely comes here for the weekend any more, and has had to realise that they're growing up. They still speak every day on the phone.

How will you deal with the issue of schooling? Are any of them at the GCSE age? Would it be right to uproot them at the current stage in their education?

hobo28

I was in virtually the identical situation a late last year. My kids are a lot younger and in fact, my ex went so far as to snatch them from me and it all ended up in court. Luckily its all worked out in the end.

Firstly 80 miles is not that far in the eyes of the court. In the words of my judge "...its not the other side of the world". How long it would take to travel? For us, the distance is 80 miles via A roads and 100 miles via motorway. One way is about 1.5 hours on a good day. It does make for a long drive but your kids are old enough to do that.

I do think you need to accept that you are being unfair to your ex. That said, you are entitled to move on with your life and sometimes life ain't fair! At least that was my logic. From his point of view, he's losing his kids. You also still expect him to pay so its totally unfair to him. (just playing devils advocate)

I think its only fair that since the move is your idea, that you offer to meet him halfway on the driving. You could either meet at somewhere in the middle (eg. services) or do one of the trips.

How about school holidays? What about offering him some extended times then? Say a couple of weeks during summer and a week at xmas?

As far as maintenance goes, if he does stop it, the CSA is your only option. Of course it will take months, if not years. The CSA have been chasing my GF's ex for years and so far we've received nothing. Losing maintenance may be the price you may have to pay for moving. Unfortunately, the CSA are as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Bear in mind tho that as others have said, maintenance is not related to contact. It means that your ex can't stop paying if he doesn't see the kids BUT it also means you can't stop your ex from seeing the kids even if he's not paying! It cuts both ways.

The good news for you is that as the mum and as long as the kids are happy with the move, there's nothing he can really do to stop you.

I hope you can sort something out with him.

Broken_hearted

I have to disagree, he is trying to keep his children near him and is desperate. He is not trying to stop you moving on, just trying to stay part of his childrens lives. How would you feel if he had the children and told you he was moving away with someone else. this person becoming their new mummy and you get to pay for it.

EdInvestor

Perhaps you and boyfriend could 'split the difference' and buy your new property half way between your current home and his office?