Separation

Mme.Hibou

I would imagine they could talk to her, but she'd have to make the initial contact, you can't force anyone to get help, as much as you'd like them to.

Could you have some alone time, without the children? Being told to "get a life" by a 9 year old would really rile me. Perhaps you could outline you thoughts and feelings and give her the number of your work's helpline and leave it at that, if she makes a move towards them it's because she wants to. I'd also advise against probing for information if she does receive any form of counselling, let her come to you.
Let her know that you love her and that you disagree a trial separation is for the best (if that's how you feel) Just be honest.

Janey3

I'm so sorry for your predicament, and do feel for you, as others have said, it sounds like she is looking for a substitute M&D, and a perfect family nucleous. I do hope she won't go her own way because she could spend her whole life searching for something she probably won't find and come to regret that decision later, but of course, she can't see that now. Your M&D are quite rightly leading their own lives, and she should be doing the same. Can you both have a relaxing few drinks one night and try and get her to say how and why she is thinking like this?

Janey

vicki1008

It's quite strange - I have friends who have recently gone through something very similar.

She had lost both of her parents by the time she was 18 and has never got over it (she's now 36). Her unresolved grief has effectively ruined her marriage because she is so in denial she can't see straight.

I would suggest that you mention marriage guidance to your wife. That way it looks like you are shouldering some responsibility for the way things are (even though it's weighted in your wifes direction) and it might just force to her to confront her issues. It won't work if she's not completely receptive to it though. It's like anything - until she can admit she has a problem she's not going to do anything about it.

irishesman

vicki1008 wrote: »

It's quite strange - I have friends who have recently gone through something very similar.

She had lost both of her parents by the time she was 18 and has never got over it (she's now 36). Her unresolved grief has effectively ruined her marriage because she is so in denial she can't see straight.

I would suggest that you mention marriage guidance to your wife. That way it looks like you are shouldering some responsibility for the way things are (even though it's weighted in your wifes direction) and it might just force to her to confront her issues. It won't work if she's not completely receptive to it though. It's like anything - until she can admit she has a problem she's not going to do anything about it.

That sounds very similar, she lost her dad at 15 and mum in her mid 20's.

I am going to ring them and hope that she joins in. She knows that I love her, but thats not enough at the moment

irishesman

vicki1008 wrote: »

I would suggest that you mention marriage guidance to your wife. That way it looks like you are shouldering some responsibility for the way things are (even though it's weighted in your wifes direction) and it might just force to her to confront her issues. It won't work if she's not completely receptive to it though. It's like anything - until she can admit she has a problem she's not going to do anything about it.

Do they make you talk through problems together, or is it done separatly at first?

I finish at 3 today, so its back into the firing line again

foxy-roxy

I would be inclined to not let her get her own way with this, if she really loves you she will come back, you dont just leave someone because you dont like the way their parents act, it's either an excuse for something else or she is still grieving.
I would agree to the seperation and see if she comes to her senses on her own when she realises that this is how your parents are.
Otherwise what will it be next?

Rockporkchop

I would ask your wife to be honest about the real reason for wanting a separation.

It sounds like she wants out of the relationship for her own reasons but is blaming your parents as she knows that there is absolutely nothing that you can do about that situation.

It doesn't make sense that she would crave the perfect family set up but is willing to tear her own family apart over something like this. Call her bluff - say you are sorry she feels this way and will possibly be willing to consider a reconciliation if and when she comes to her senses. Then let her pack her bags and leave, as she is the one who wants the split.

If anyone should be upset about the situation with your parents it is you!! Don't even think of apologising and trying to take the blame for something that is absolutely not your fault.

GPedro

Rockporkchop wrote: »

I would ask your wife to be honest about the real reason for wanting a separation.

It sounds like she wants out of the relationship for her own reasons but is blaming your parents as she knows that there is absolutely nothing that you can do about that situation.

I agree. Something definitely a bit fishy about the whole situation...

Why would she be willing to end an otherwise great relationship over such a triviality as this? You don't seem overly bothered about the way your parents behave, so I don't quite get why she should be.

Also, I assume you have mentioned the situation to your parents? What was their reaction when you told them that your wife was preparing to leave you because of them?

Zazen999

I would ask her what she thinks is the endgame here? There is no way on earth you are going to change your parents attitude; and a trial separation would not make one iota of difference to them would it?

I would ask her what exactly she thinks she is doing, and what she thinks her options are.

paddy's_mum

Is the heart of the matter that your wife feels that because you are not critical of your parents' poor and selfish behaviour (indeed you appear to accept it) that in effect you are siding with them against her? Have you spent so long saying that this is how they are and not appreciating how hurt she may feel that she now classes you as with 'them' in an 'us and them' scenario? Have you effectively said that if their behaviour hurts her then that is her problem to deal with, nowt to do with you and left her feeling totally unsupported?

What does it mean when you say you only ever row about their attitude/behaviour but then say you've had a bad month or three?

I suspect that if you had genuinely been listening to your wife, you would know exactly and to the nth degree what she feels and what has led to this situation. If you truly don't know, then the two of you surely have some straight speaking to do!

Asking people here is of only limited value since all we can do is make educated guesses - it's you and your wife who hold all the cards and all the answers. If you have been exhibiting that male "yes dear, I am listening .. whoa, Arsenal just scored" behaviour, perhaps you have left your wife with no options other than to hit you hard enough so that you will listen! Good luck.