Separation

irishesman

I'll get straight down to it. My wife announced last night, that she wants a trial separation. It has come at the end of a bad month or three for us. In the 11 years we have been married, we only argue about one thing. My parents. From the day I met her, I have never tried to hide what they are like from her. They are self centered and quite selfish, and will only take notice of us and the children if we are with them, however, since they live at the other end of the country, we only see them once in a blue moon.
We have,over the years, tried talking to them about it, shouting at them and even wrote them a letter stating what the issues were, but nothing has changed, they still ignore us and more importantly, they ignore our children. Dont get me wrong, they send birthday and christmas cards and presents and occasionally make a phone call, but the conversations are very short and normally 1 minute before they end it saying that they are going out somehwere very important.
I have always accepted their behaviour and it has never bothered me, but my wife cannot accept it and refuses to see that this is how they are. Both her parents are dead, and she wants my M&D to become surragate parents to her.
My wife is a very kind and loving person, but she has great difficulty in accepting that anyone (including me) could have views and oppinions that differ from hers - she is always right -
She now wants a separation until this situation is resolved. I am now stuck between a rock and a hard place. She has also stated that the resolution will be what she wants, and only what she wants.
I dont want to put the children through this still separation idea, but there is no chance of getting what she wants on this one.
What can I do?

Any

So she is punishing you for your parents behaviour??

Either this is not the whole story or this is the last person I would ever call "loving"...
More of a spoiled selfish bratt.

Katyag

DH's father has nothing to do with us or our boys. He hasnt seen DS1 (nearly 8) since he was 4, and hes never seen DS2, now 2, at all. That is his and his wife's choice. The wife is his second wife and not DH's mum.

It upsets DH as more than it does me, just makes me angry but its their loss. But I would never punish him for it. Easier said than done but I think your wife just needs to accept that is how your parents are and nothing will change that.

FIL has a heart attack and needed surgery, we thought this would change his outlook but no.

I think you all need to distance yourself from your parents, it doesnt sound like you would be missing on much from what the relationship is just now anyway. Enjoy life in spite of them and make the kids happy without them.

In the end its their loss not yours.

irishesman

Any wrote: »

Either this is not the whole story or this is the last person I would ever call "loving"...
More of a spoiled selfish bratt.

Don't get me wron, she would give you the shirt off her back if she asked you, she can be over generous, and has been taken dor a ride in the past. But it is like living with two serparate women. One minute, kind, gentle and loving, the next she is breathing fire.

Any wrote: »

So she is punishing you for your parents behaviour??
.

Yes, i think that she is. I've distanced my self from them, but will never turn aroud and tell them that they can't contact us or anything like that. Life'e too short for that!!!!

irishesman

Katyag wrote: »

Easier said than done but I think your wife just needs to accept that is how your parents are and nothing will change that.


In the end its their loss not yours.

Exactly how I feel, but how to get that across to her?

SandC

I don't see what you can do. Not every set of grandparents wish to be around the family and are quite content with seeing the grandchildren occasionally and sending presents for birthdays and christmas. Your wife can't change that or make you change it. It just isn't possible.

You could try explaining to her that you will try to talk to your parents but after all these years can she really expect them to become something they are obviously not.

Seems to me like she thinks the grass will be greener on the other side, that most families are like the Waltons, one big extended funfest. That is so not the case. Believe it or not, it doesn't mean they are not loved. It just takes a strong personal to realise that not everyone thinks and feels the same.

I don't see what you can do but allow her this separation after talking to her as above and see what happens.

vicki1008

I have a brother who I just don't get on with. We cut ties 7 1/2 years ago and as nice as it would be for us to have a normal relationship it just doesn't work for us.

At some point you have to stop trying. Just because you're related to them doesn't mean you have to get on with or even like them!

If your other half is looking for surrogate parents she should be asking herself why. If she hasn't got over the death of her own parents then she should consider counselling.

For her to punish you and your kids for the way your parents are is grossly unfair and whilst you're a grown up and can make your own decisions your kid(s) aren't and they will end up angry and confused if you split for good.

It sounds like you need to stand up to her. YOU are HER partner not your parents. Make sure she isn't using them as an excuse to split.

Good Luck

irishesman

SandC wrote: »

I don't see what you can do. Not every set of grandparents wish to be around the family and are quite content with seeing the grandchildren occasionally and sending presents for birthdays and christmas. Your wife can't change that or make you change it. It just isn't possible.

You could try explaining to her that you will try to talk to your parents but after all these years can she really expect them to become something they are obviously not.

.

Belive me, I've been there and worn the tee-shirt on this route. It just doesn't work. Even our eldest daughter told her to get a life and forget about it last night, and she's only 9

Katyag

I meant to add, I love my hubby more because his father has been so awful to him.

He wasnt a 'dad' to him, he didnt show DH what dads do, or have a fatherly bond with him but my DH is a fab daddy, rumbles around the floor with the boys, chases them, takes them to the park for boy-boy time, plays computer games with DS1, chucks DS2 into the air to make him giggly uncontrollably.

All this hes done for himself, not based on what his dad with him. He makes me proud to be his wife regardless of his family!

I do hope you can work things out.

irishesman

vicki1008 wrote: »

If your other half is looking for surrogate parents she should be asking herself why. If she hasn't got over the death of her own parents then she should consider counselling.

I think that you have hit the nail on the head with this one. I said that to her last night. With hindsite, it may not have been the best time for it, but whats done is done. I just wish she would talk to someone neutral about it.

I my 50% sure that something happened between her and her mum before she died and it was never resolved. Her brother says he doesn't know, and she will not talk about it.

irishesman

Our company have a helpline to call for this kind of thing. If I ring it, and talk to them, will they be able to call her to talk to her, or will they not be allowed to?