Am i abnormal?

mpet

As already said - everyone's different. Myself & DH were exactly the same when DH's mum died. I got more upset at seeing other people upset - if you know what I mean.

I guess some people are more 'practical' if that is the right word. Because DH's sisters and brothers were very upset & grieving at the time, it was left to DH & me to organise funeral, winding up of estate etc.

But I was 'happy' to do it 'properly' and as I thought my MIL would have wanted.

Yes we do miss her and at times it's hard to beleive she's gone and we feel a bit sad.

Don't beat yourself up over how you feel - you are not a cold person

mountainofdebt

OP

If it's any help I didn't cry when both my MIL and FIL passed away even though they were the best parents-in-law a girl could wish for.

As has already been said, grief takes many forms and each is personal to us all.

Elsewhere

I think that if someone dies after a long illness from which you know there is no hope of recovery, and which makes them so ill that they are no longer the person that you remember, that at least part of your grieving happens during the illness - it has already taken them from you.

The death may then come as a relief, and it's only months, or even a year or two later, when you've had a chance to recover from the stress, and forget the pain, that you truely miss them and can grieve.

Penny_Watcher

Elsewhere wrote: »

I think that if someone dies after a long illness from which you know there is no hope of recovery, and which makes them so ill that they are no longer the person that you remember, that at least part of your grieving happens during the illness - it has already taken them from you.

The death may then come as a relief, and it's only months, or even a year or two later, when you've had a chance to recover from the stress, and forget the pain, that you truely miss them and can grieve.

Excellent post Elsewhere.

My best friend's husband died from cancer over a period of 18 months. I remember my friend being absolutely devastated when her OH was given his terminal prognosis (she's a nurse and knew the nitty-gritty what was to come) and again when he didn't know her or the children any more. Death was a blessed relief for them all. She said she had done a great deal of grieving before Steve died.

Is death not so much of a shock to the system if it is expected?

Absolutely as devastating emotionally though. Sending warmest wishes to all who have lost loved ones. :kisses3:

Oldernotwiser

When you're at a certain age it's the natural order of things for your parent to die and the excesses of grief that you describe are often inappropriate.

As a society we've started to see excessive grieving as the norm but your reaction (and your husband's) seem far healthier to me.

Don't worry.

Alikay

I was fairly calm and normal (though very sad) after my dad died too - everyone kept banging on about how it was "good to cry", but I didn't shed many tears at all. I just missed him a lot, felt physically below par for a few months and was generally subdued and joyless. However falling to pieces, wailing and breast-beating just aren't me, as I'm quite reserved and self-contained.

I also felt I was odd as my mum was very weepy and wanted to talk about him all the time - I didn't and was upset that I was viewed as cold and uncaring: I loved my dad very much and miss him immensely, I just don't think I "do" grief in the usual way! So no, OP I don't think you're abnormal at all

Oldernotwiser

Alikay wrote: »

I also felt I was odd as my mum was very weepy and wanted to talk about him all the time - I didn't and was upset that I was viewed as cold and uncaring: I loved my dad very much and miss him immensely, I just don't think I "do" grief in the usual way! So no, OP I don't think you're abnormal at all

But your way is normal! It's the breast beating mob that aren't.

However, it's a completely different thing with losing a spouse, it's going to affect your whole life forever.

Alikay

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

However, it's a completely different thing with losing a spouse, it's going to affect your whole life forever.

Oh, definately, and losing a child must be the worst thing ever. But parents, grandparents, friends - very very sad, but life must go on.

SailorSam

I've often tried to understand why you behave and feel as you do after someone dies, but to no avail. When my Grandad died i cried buckets, i was the first grandchild, and growing up and all through my life i was a lot closer to my Nan, my Mum a single parent was out working and all my time was spent at my Nans, but when she died i felt nothing, even though we were so close, but then it was just the opposite with my Grandad, i loved him but we were never as close as my Nan.
Why ???

jackieb

I've never cried at a funeral yet and realise I must come across as cold, but i'm not. I do feel hard compared to how most people were reacting (ie crying), but I can't force tears.
Also, the ones that cried the most usually went to view the body before the funeral. I've never, ever felt the urge to do that. In my mind they've gone, why would I want to upset myself by possibly seeing an empty body, that doesn't resemble how they were when they were alive. I've never regretted not going to view someone, yet i've often heard my mum, sister, cousin etc saying they wish they'd never went to see them.