Am i abnormal?

msflowerfairy

My MIL passed away from Cancer in May, and i still haven't cried, even though we have started clearing her house, clothes etc. The house is now on the market.

I loved her to bits, and i really don't think she realised how much of an impact she had in my life, and now she is gone i am unable to tell her.
I didn't visit her in her last few weeks of life, because i was scared, she didn't look like my MIL, and she wasn't how i wanted to remember her.
My Husband has also not really grieved, although we both did cry at the funeral, but i wonder if that is because we were supposed to???

(I sound like such a cold person, and i am am not like that at all) I care for others, and have loads of compassion and empathy with others.

I feel like i should be stomping my feet, and sobbing, and not eating, and seeing her everywhere i go...but i don't.

Am i abnormal?

janninew

Of course your not abnormal, everybody deals with grief in different ways. When I lost somebody close to me I didn't really cry or lose control for around 9 months. Then I saw something that reminded me of him and I couldn't stop crying for weeks. There are no hard set rules for grieving, you just have to go with your feelings and emotions and do what feels right for you.

Take Care
Janninew x

Reds-on-Sea

There's no set of rules for grief. I didn't shed a tear when my dad died, not at the funeral or afterwards at all. I guess that sounds harsh, but I don't beat myself up about it. I'm not a heartless wench, geez I cry at silly stuff like "Neighbours" all the time!

Just carry on about your business, if you feel upset, then cry and talk about it, but if you don't, don't worry about it. I guess if you have fond memories of her, then they're keeping your heart a little lighter?

ceridwen

FlowerFairy

I'm quite quite sure that MIL knew/knows how much you feel for her.

So far - you've had to deal with a lot of the "getting things sorted out practicalities" side of things - so I expect you've not really had much time/emotional energy for things. You've been dealing with the sorting things out side of things first - which is what one has to do and perfectly understandable.

Once all that side of things is well "under control" - then maybe things will be different emotionally - you'll feel you have the "time and space" to grieve.

Maybe - on the other hand - you have some sort of "set of beliefs" and/or know MIL does that tell you MIL is now in a "much better place" - I say that...because thats how I personally feel/think. But obviously I have no idea whatsoever how you and MIL both think about this.

Obviously whatever set of ideas/beliefs you and Mil have - then it is still entirely natural to miss the presence in one's life of someone one has cared about.

I think the one thing that is sure in this is that you/your husband and MIL were blessed that there were/are clearly very good relationships between you all. I'm sure your MIL thoroughly appreciated having a daughter-in-law she got on so well with. Equally - I'm sure both you and your husband thoroughly appreciated how well you clearly got on with MIL. So - I think that is the thought to carry with you - as in how lucky/blessed you all were to know each other.

I'm sure your MIL knew/knows how much you care for her and how lucky she was to have a daughter-in-law she got on so well with. She will have certainly been listening to other MIL's saying how things are between them and their daughters-in-law and - believe me - she will absolutely for certain know how much you thought/think of her - without a shadow of doubt. She WILL have been comparing her lot with others - and realising how lucky she is/was to have YOU as a daughter-in-law.

Take care.

vaio

Reds-on-Sea wrote: »

There's no set of rules for grief. I didn't shed a tear when my dad died, not at the funeral or afterwards at all. I guess that sounds harsh, but I don't beat myself up about it. I'm not a heartless wench, geez I cry at silly stuff like "Neighbours" all the time!

Just carry on about your business, if you feel upset, then cry and talk about it, but if you don't, don't worry about it. I guess if you have fond memories of her, then they're keeping your heart a little lighter?

Excellent post, spot on!

mary-op

Don't worry - my mum passed away in February this year after a four year illness.........tears were shed at the funeral (one of the hymns she chose started me off) but since then I've been almost numb........there's been so much to do what with her estate sorting out, stuff like that.
I've had the 'guilt' trip -should I have done more/said more - and it's made me realise that life's too short to dwell on the 'might haves' and such like............tears will come when they're ready, in the meantime enjoy the good memories................hugs ((((((((((:o))))))))

Bennifred

I'd like to say "Thank You!" to all the posters on this thread for making realise I'm not as heartless as I've been thinking I must be! My Mum (who I did love:rolleyes:) died just before Christmas, and I haven't shed a tear (not even at the funeral:o) despite normally crying at the least thing.
I did feel a bit lost last week on GCSE results day - Mum would normally be on the phone letting everone know how various grandchildren had got on - still no tears, though!
It's all very odd......

BitterAndTwisted

Tears and a lack of control are not the sole indicators of emotional suffering. We all express that in our own way, in our own time. There are no rules.

Grieving has a weird way of catching up with you sometimes when you least expect it and when you think you might be over the worst, suddenly you're not.

As said before by other posters, the period immediately after the funeral service when you're busy packing away the departed's things does take your mind off the feelings of grief and loss a lot and you could find that once all that's sorted, you might feel the need for a really good weep.

All the best to you!

yoni_one

I think the fact that you are concerned that you are not responding as per your expectations demonstrates that you are grieving in your own way, which is exactly as it should be.

Whatever happens is ok, this is your personal journey and you should not have to tick anyone's box for your thoughts and feelings to be sincere in your heart.

Maybe your body needs you to feel numb to help you cope with this stage of the process.

You loved her very much and she had a huge impact on your life, I am thinking that even if she was unaware of just how much of an impact she had, she was probably aware of your love while she was alive.

It sounds like you were very fortunate to have a lovely MIL, I am very sorry for your loss. xxx

Deep_In_Debt

I echo what others have said.

When I lost my dad, nearly 12 years ago now, it took me 2 years before I properly grieved and cried. I guess was trying to be strong for my mum, myself and my brother for a long time...I spent too much time looking after everyone else's needs and not enough time looking after my own.

The grief came when it was ready to come.

People thought I was a cold, hard person...I'm far from it but I was grieving in my own way...everyone is different.

Always

Hi, I am very sorry for your loss and I can only echo what others have said, I don't think there is a "normal" way to handle grief, I know for me I cry so easily - even been known to cry over TV adverts... but when it comes to personal tragedy I tend to shut down and get on and do what has to be done and very rarely shed a tear... usually until years later! I think it's just a coping mechanism, and everyone has different coping mechanisms.