SD failing at school, mother doesn't care

EmmaLi

To be fair, she has always wanted to work with animals. She used to want to be a vet, and we tried to encourage her, but now it's just the easiest route possible so that she can spend as much time as possible with her friends.

For some reason, her mother seems to think that if she fails her GCSEs next year she'll go to college and suddenly realise she needs them and start working, although she also thinks that SD should do the easiest course available so that it's not too hard for her, which seems rather contradictory to me. I think its more likely to be 5-10 years down the line that SD realises how important they are.

Lunar_Eclipse

KatP wrote: »

At her age she should be responsible for her own success or failure.

I think this is the key to the situation. If the child is disinterested, there is very little you can do about it in all honesty. However, there must be a reason for her disinterest, which is what I'd try to find out.

Personally, I would have a very honest discussion with her. Let her know why you are so frustrated with what is going on. Does she fully understand it is because you only have her interests at heart? I would let her know that you are behind her 100% and it doesn't matter (as in affect you & her Father at all) whether she fails everything or gets straight A*s. Contentious perhaps, but the reality that she is probably not aware of in the slightest!

I'd let her know you believe she can do well at school (she may be scared not to try at all if her Mum did well and she knows she won't, because of the dyslexia or otherwise) and will support her in any way you can to help her do her best. Ask her if there is anything that would help her, or things she is worried about etc. Not in a lecturing style, but in a genuine loving and caring one regarding her academic success in the broader sense of what it's all about (jobs, lifestyle etc.)

Exam results are only a means to an end, they are not the end result themselves. Thus if she already knows what she's aiming for (the animal course?) then this helps set some goals for achievement in terms of entry requirements. Bear in mind some people are very afraid of failing so talking about this might help too.

Additionally, I would consider going to the school with her father to discuss matters with them, either with or without your SD. You do not need to do this with her Mother, whom I'd leave out of it now.

At the end of the day it is her life and presumably you only want to see her happy (which I'd make sure she knows too). It is always a shame when people choose to under achieve, but try to bear in mind that it's never too late. I'm sure you're doing the best you can.

Lunar_Eclipse

Upon reflection, I think she might just be scared of not doing well and is therefore only pretending not to care (because she cares a lot?) Hiding behind the dyslexia could be a cry for help that she is worried about not doing well. This could be from parental pressure and/or self inflicted.

I think what she might need is simply a lot of reassurance from you all. That grades don't matter and have no reflection on how any of you feel about her, but you'd like to see her try her best. "Go for it/nothing to lose" type camaraderie.

As a parent myself, I have told my children that effort and attitude are as important as attainment. One might be more proud of a C grade from a child with dyslexia than an A from the class genius who couldn't be bothered to try for the A*, for example.

Lunar_Eclipse

faye6174 wrote: »

We now have the same thing with DH's DD who is now 13 and potentially heading down the same route due to lack of any support or motivational guidance from her mother.

For children living normal lives (ie going to school, with friends & two parents), there are a core group of people that influence their life, so this is most definitely not the Mother's fault, even if she doesn't offer much/any support or motivation academically.

The biggest influence now, generally speaking, is actually her peer group, prior to which it was (both) her parents. Additionally, one could say this lies solely at the feet of the 13 year old in question, whose life it is.

Maybe it's still early enough for you to influence her path.

EmmaLi

We have tried to be supportive and tell her she can achieve whatever she puts her mind to; we've tried to get her to open up to us, to empathise, to explain how it will limit her optios in the future, you name it, we've tried it. She's gone from having an aim in life to nothing.

Trying to agree an action plan with her mother and step-dad was a last resort, and suddenly it all became clear where a large part of the problem lay. We are also aware that her circle of friends is also an issue, with an increasing number falling pregnant.

To top it off, she posted on facebook yesterday in barely literate English that she's sick of people trying to make her mind up for her, i.e. me and her dad.

Savvy_Sue

I'd let the school know that you are concerned, but that you don't think there's any more you can do. They may have mentoring schemes etc which will get her going, but at 15 parents can tell their children very little, and step parents a lot less!

EmmaLi

I think the school are well aware of the problem - it got to the point where they were threatening to expel her because her behvaiour was so bad. She already gets extra help because of her dyslexia and has done since she started secondary school,but it's making no difference. At primary school she didn't actually do too badly, which proves that's it's not a total lack of ability. And with her mother telling her that as long as she doesn't get in trouble she doesn't have to work, we've run out of options.