SD failing at school, mother doesn't care

EmmaLi

my SD is 15 and takes her GCSEs next year. She is failing every subject and doesn't even appear to know what subjects she's taking. She's been in a lot of triouble at school in the past and although that has improved she is still not trying and doesn't seem to care. She thinks that she's going to walk onto an animal care course at college without showing any commitment. She has dyselxia but as far as she's concerned that's her get out clause - everyone should make life easier for her. H and I couldn't work out why she was so unmotivated as her mother did well at school and used to have a good job. Her SD works and so did her grandparents.

Yesterday, we had a meeting with her mother and SD with the aim (on our part) of trying to agree an action plan to motivate her. Well, within two minutes we'd worked out the problem is her mother, who sat there and told my SD that she doesn't need to work or do anything she doesn't want to if it's too difficult. So she has a carte blanche to waste the next nine months. Her SD is not happy and he tried to agree with H and I but was basically ignored by her mother, who seems to think that it's nothing to do with anyone else, even though H pays maintenance and of course her SD pays the mortgage.

H and I are at the end of our tether. We know she could be doing better at school and don't want to see SD throw her life away. We have offered to help tutor her or get a tutor but SD doesn't want that so mother won't agree. TBH, I feel like mother is using this as an opportunity to score points against H, regardless of the damage it does to her daughter.

The point of this is, can we do anything? We don't feel that being with her mother is now in the SD's best interests but at 15 can we do anything about it? And we know that she won't choose to live with us because she knows that we will make her work. It's just so frustrating.

fernliebee

Just an initial thought, does the daughter maybe tell mum she is being 'pressured' by her dad and you, so mum is being defensive of her?

I do feel that without getting mum on board she will have an easy option and being a teenager will prob take that. Would it help if you could arrange a visit to the college that she wants to go to to visit the animals and such, then it may give her something to aim for, if she knows she has to get 5 C's for example she may give it a better go.

Other than that all I can suggest is to not push too hard, as she has the easy option it will prob just push her away from you, but to try going for the helpful angle, try to get her to do some work experience in her chosen field as this may help her get on to her course if she doesn't quite make the grades.

EmmaLi

SD currently does work experience one day a week at a kennels but turned down a summer job there because she couldn't be bothered but then moans every day on facebook that she's bored.

I have spoken to the admissions department at the college and have been told that the course she wants to go on - which has no entry requirements except enthusiasm - is so popular they get applications inn October for the following year and they end up with a waiting list. Her mother, who has made no attempt to contact the college, told me that was rubbish. Plus this course is basic to the level of "assisting with animal foodstuffs" and I think she will get bored. The course above requires just two D grades - which should be achievable with some work - and looks far better, involving some animal biology and opening up a range of possibilities the following year. However, although SD insists she wants to work with animals, she refuses to put herself out to any extent.

With regards to her mother, I thought we were all on the same side, trying to do the best for the daughter but she's more concerned with scoring points than doind what's best.

Pee

I wonder how much good a tutor would do if she really can't be bothered... you can't help someone who doesn't wnt to be helped, particularly if their mother is trying to protect them. Look on the bright side, if she drops out of education, your OH wouldn't be obliged to pay maintenance for her. She is likely to appreciate an education in future, but you can't force her to now. I find the fact she didn't want to work over the summer more worrying, but leave her be, let her make her own mistakes.

Katie-Kat-Kins

I think you need to forget about her mother and deal directly with the daughter. At her age she should be responsible for her own success or failure.

I think perhaps stop "getting at her" about studying and grades etc and try to make her see that she is setting herself up for a pretty miserable future and show her the benefits she could have by working harder.

Show her what she would be likely to earn after college if she fails all GCSEs and does the basic course, and what this will buy her then contrast this with the sort of job she could get with the higher level course. Show her how her duties would be more interesting too. Show her what life will be like if she doesn't get a job at all surviving on benefits.

It would also be worth speaking to her school so that they know at least one parent has an interest and wants her to do well. They might push a bit harder if they are being suported by your husband.

If there are staff at the place she does work experience at that she respects see if they will talk to her about qualifications etc. Try to get information on more exciting options too, for example what are the entrance requirements for vet nursing or working at the zoo.

All you can do is show her the way if you aren't getting back up from her mum, but try your best to motivate her without nagging.

See if you can have a discrete word with step dad too as he seems to be onside as well. Maybe he can mention to her that once she leaves school she will have to pay her share of the bills and that this won't leave her much to spend if she has a minimum wage job......

EmmaLi

Her mother is determined that she will go to college next year so her maintenance does continue - that may be why she's happy for her to go on the lowest course as H would be responsible for the next 3 years if she carries on in any form of education.

We just find it frustrating as if we all worked together then there is a chance that she could do ok, but as it is we can do nothing. We don;t feel that her best interests are being served at all, but what can we do?

EmmaLi

KatP wrote: »

I think you need to forget about her mother and deal directly with the daughter. At her age she should be responsible for her own success or failure.

I think perhaps stop "getting at her" about studying and grades etc and try to make her see that she is setting herself up for a pretty miserable future and show her the benefits she could have by working harder.

Show her what she would be likely to earn after college if she fails all GCSEs and does the basic course, and what this will buy her then contrast this with the sort of job she could get with the higher level course. Show her how her duties would be more interesting too. Show her what life will be like if she doesn't get a job at all surviving on benefits.

It would also be worth speaking to her school so that they know at least one parent has an interest and wants her to do well. They might push a bit harder if they are being suported by your husband.

If there are staff at the place she does work experience at that she respects see if they will talk to her about qualifications etc. Try to get information on more exciting options too, for example what are the entrance requirements for vet nursing or working at the zoo.

All you can do is show her the way if you aren't getting back up from her mum, but try your best to motivate her without nagging.

See if you can have a discrete word with step dad too as he seems to be onside as well. Maybe he can mention to her that once she leaves school she will have to pay her share of the bills and that this won't leave her much to spend if she has a minimum wage job......

We've already tried to make this point, but she gets everything given to her, even though her mum and SD struggle to pay the mortgage at times and I know her grandparents have had to bail them out. We've tried to show her the more exciting options and even got her work experience with a friend of ours who has an exotic animal rescue - he's dyslexic too but has managed to get his masters in animal care. None of it is going in and now we understand why. As for her SD, he appears to be being ignored by the mother as well even though he's the one who will end up supporting her once she's 18.

Caroline73_2

At 15 she is old enough to understand the consequences of not passing exams.

You will never make her pass if she doesn't want to, no matter what you do and how good your intentions are.

Maybe let her learn her lesson the hard way. She will soon see the error of her ways when she has no cash. The opportunity to GCSE's or something more vocational and less academic will still be there next year.

carolinosourus

Maybe make her watch Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum and tell her that's how she'll end up if she doesn't do anything with her life. Also tell her that you will not support her financially and see how she takes that. I'm 23 now and have dyslexia and visual-spatial issues and if I had tried that when I was her age I would have had a good kick up the ****! If people, ie her mum, keep making excuses for her then why would she even try to make an effort?

EmmaLi

carolinosourus wrote: »

Maybe make her watch Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum and tell her that's how she'll end up if she doesn't do anything with her life. Also tell her that you will not support her financially and see how she takes that. I'm 23 now and have dyslexia and visual-spatial issues and if I had tried that when I was her age I would have had a good kick up the ****! If people, ie her mum, keep making excuses for her then why would she even try to make an effort?

Exactly! My own brother is dyslexic and my mum got him through his GCSEs by sitting down with him for hours to learn - and she had her own business as well - but he says now himself he wishes he had worked harder as he's had to take jobs he's hated just to get by as he hasn't had the qualifications to do better.

H and I think SD would be better off with us, for various reasons, but unfortunately at her age we can't make her.

Katie-Kat-Kins

Might your brother have a word with her to make her see that dyslexia is no bar and that she may regret not trying harder in future???