Email from my brother

longhotbath

Hi SM, Im another one who would be horrified if my children were in such different positions and suggesting such a holiday.

I dont do joint presents ofr inequality reasons - we used to earn much much more than my sister, though now the roles are reversed.

I would have that long hard talk with him - and either contribute an equal percentage of disposable income, or do your own present.
Or..... you could talk with him what he would like to do, and then mse like mad to bring costs of the holiday down as much as poss without compromising the holiday - he could take out an airmiles credit card / does he fly on business - use his airmiles from that / tescos - he could change his shopping to there & use the reward vouchers etc. Your mseing might even cover your 'share'!!!!


Big hugs and good luck. Whatever you do for them, they will love!!

(ps for my grandparents 60th, I decorated their cake with icing copies of my Grandmas engagement, wedding and eternity rings which they were really touched by)

kissjenn

Sock_Monkey wrote: »

I really hope my brother will not be too upset. He is a wonderful bloke really, with a heart of gold, which is where all this is coming from I think, he just lives in his own world a bit sometimes.

At the risk of being flamed I think a lot has to do he's a bloke, he's in IT and he works in the city. Lots of these guys (and I worked in IT for years) equate spend to affection and the overwhelming majority (and I include myself) are not people people. I could never understand when I was little why my mum would want a homemade mother's day card when I could save up and buy a decent one. Only when I became a mother did it make sense and the dried up pasta was worth a million Clinton efforts.

He sounds like he wants to show them he's done well and he's grateful for all they've done. Unfortunately its a lot more money than a posh card and in trying to include you in his grand plan he's inadvertently hurt and worried you. He'll be cool eventually, just realise he may never quite understand why it wasn't his greatest ever idea.

Pee

Would your parents actually want to go to Australia? I say this because mine are a similiar age, and they so wouldn't... unless they could just walk through a door at the bottom of the garden and be there, then they would be quite interested...

A party sounds a great idea, especially if you could make it a surprise one - perhaps let them think you are taking them out for lunch, so they have a chance to scrub up a bit.

Also, where they went for their honeymoon or anywhere they have mentioned a bit closer to home might be a compromise.

It's not even the fact that you can't afford it. I don't know what your plans for the future are, but there might be a house, a wedding, a baby, a honeymoon that you should be saving for. Either your parents would have enough money to pay for this trip themselves, or you need to be thinking about saving some money in case you need to financially support them for essentials in the future.

It's human nature to want to show off to our parents sometimes, I got a bonus at work and took them out for a meal, but I'm honest enough to appreciate that it was about how it made me feel, not them. They enjoyed it, but they would have enjoyed somewhere else, somewhere cheaper, and they would have felt more comfortable if they were paying.

Sock_Monkey_2

I think it all stems from the fact that my mum would really love to go to Aus and NZ but my dad spent years travelling with work and is not really bothered as he doesn't like flying very much anymore. Because of this my mum has not gone and I think my brother is looking at this as a way to fulfill her desire to go and get my dad out there as well.

I might have a think about suggesting that he goes on holiday with her and they leave dad here and then he does something else special for dad as making him feel like he has to go will put him in an awkward position.

I guess to me it's just far too over the top a gesture in general, not to mention it would be for something that I am fairly confident that only one party will be really pleased about.

SM

Pee

Then your brother taking your mum sounds like a perfect idea!

lisainglasgow

For my inlaws 40th wedding anniversary we sent them on a 'magical mystery tour' of all the places that they had dated - the youth club building, the cinema, and the synagogue where they married etc. That cost us £18 in total - we bought a book of the Canterbury tales as they went to the play the night they got engaged and a CD featuring their first dance. We then took them to dinner to their favourite restaurant. This was split between all 3 siblings and partners, so a grand cost of £46 per couple - you could easily do this but without the meal at the end? I made up poem clues for all of the places, and printed them onto nice card. It was great to see their faces at the end of the day - they loved it!

deedee71

Hi

I think your brother does know your situation and is offering to pay the bigger part of this gift. Your parents would think it was from you jointly. He mentions your situation both at the beginning and end of the email.

You should tell him while its great he has £2k as a starting point you don't, and any funds you put by would be going forward. Tell him how much this will be (£20 a month for the next x months). Offer the practical help of using your MSE "contacts" to find the best (cheap) options.

I genuinely think he is trying to include you in this knowing your input financialy won't match his.

I have a monthly budget for absolutely everything (I even put by for my passport which is due next year). The past two years have been one milestone birthday after another in my family plus two weddings and it has been hard. You are already doing the right thing by including your parents' upcoming birthdays in your budget.

Cut your brother some slack, he is a man after all.....he will appreciate having someone to bounce ideas of off and discuss this with, and possibly reign his ideas in.

In short, your input doesn't have to be purely financial. Don't fall out with your family over money, family is much more important.

Valli

bargainbetty wrote: »

Honey, family get ideas that they think are workable, but honestly don't realise the effect they could have on the other people involved.

This is exactly right. Don't feel guilty - it's his idea and it's a nice one but you are in a different situation from him and that's that...

I'm the 'poor' person in my family...my sis and her hubby have bought three of their four kids cars :eek: (the fourth isn't old enough yet) so my two think I'll be able to do the same

err - no...

DD (the sensible one in our house) will be fine...she'll save for what she wants.

ETA - well said everybody ^^^ and some lovely ideas for thoughful gifts!

tori.k

Nothing really to add to whats already been said but as parent id be happier for a bunch of flowers and my kids not having debt issues, as you always worry/stress about your kids if they are 3 or 63 part of being a parent i suppose

gilligansyle

bargainbetty wrote: »

Do you really think your parents would want you up to your eyes in debt over a trip to NZ?

If you really want a holiday for them, why not find out where their honeymoon was, and see if you could go halves on a weekend break there for them - a tenth of the price and more thoughtful.

This is surely the important bit,your parents may well love to go to NZ and Australia but not at the cost of so much family friction. Then again, they may well prefer a local family event.

Thought.... has anybody asked them what they want? If its anything like my Dad on his 60th, he just wanted the family around him whatever we did.