Email from my brother

Sock_Monkey_2

Hi all,

I don't post much but my brother sent me an email this morning that has really upset me and I need to vent a little (apologies this will go on for a bit). The email goes like this:

Hi Sis,
How's things? Now I know that you are not in the strongest financial position ever, but as you know, I am looking to send Mum and Dad to Aus and Nz (if they agree to it) for their 60ths (I didn't know this, he had mentioned a holiday but nothing about NZ or Aus, I was thinking maybe a long weekend somewhere a lot closer) (late 2010 or early 2011) .I was thinking of looking for tickets and just checking what the prices looked like. It looks like it could be a fair wedge of cash, I have put aside the best part of 2 grand :eek:for this among other things, do you think that there is any way that you could put some cash together to go towards it? I just want to know where we'd stand if we did this jointly. I can try and cover the extra cash, but it could be tough with me trying to pay off my student loan at the same time. I'll try and call you to discuss it sometime soon, if you hear of any way of getting cheap tickets, can you let me know.
Right that was just to propose this as a realistic idea. Let me know what you think. I know that times are quite tough for you, but this would make mum so happy and dad would just be happy that we'd put the effort in.


Now for me this is far from a realistic idea!! I am aware that I am very lucky in that I am better off than many people on this board, but I am still living on a very tight budget and even £20 a month to go towards this would cause some severe problems, not to mention would be a measly amount in comparision. I am so upset and on the verge of tears, I desperately want to do something lovely for my mum and dad's birthdays, but I have not got anywhere near the resources to contribute to this. I was thinking of trying to scrape together £100 over (6 - 12 months) each for something special from me, but this is just crazy. I know he has said that he realises times are tough, but his salary is double mine and he has no debts so I don't think he even comprehends how little I have to live on. He works in IT in London and his on call time alone can give him an extra £800 a month on top of his normal wage meaning around £1400 - £1500 of spending money after all his bills have been paid every month at the moment. I know that when I tell him he will be upset and annoyed that I am making a mess of his plans, and he will be cross that I am not in a stable financial position and probably give me a lecture on how I should be in a better financial position now I am 30 (he is my younger brother).

I hate that now I am not only going to feel guilty that I can't help him with it, we will probably argue and then when the birthdays do roll round I will feel that whatever I do for them is insignificant in comparison. I do understand he only wants to make it special and give them something wonderful, but he needs to do it without putting pressure on me.

I can't talk to my OH about this either as he would be so angry that I had even been asked that it would cause huge family friction. A lot of our debts are from his previous relationship and he already feels pressure on this from my family which we both hate. Sigh. As I say I am only venting as I need to tell someone. Has anyone else been through anything like this? This may sound melodramatic - and it probably is, but it's made me feel like a useless daughter and sister who is failing in the eyes of her family.

Thanks

SM

immoral_angeluk

How about working with him, with the help of this board, to make it as cheap as possible? Or to discuss alternative options. From the sound of the email he's aware of your situation and wants to work with you to send them somewhere nice and that nothing is set in stone at the minute.

Shoe_Gal

No advice really just sympathy I am the 'poor relation' in my family and my sis is likely to come up with something like this - just through not thinking, not through being mean :rolleyes:

juliescot

The simple answer to his question is "No" - you cannot help financially and that is the truth.

Try not to feel guilty about it, there is the reality of the situation to be dealt with.

If he, as he has suggested wants to send them on this trip, then that is great.
You cannot be part of that so you do your own thing.

My sister earns considerably more (and we are talking at least four times my income) than me, and has in the past suggested such things. I got suckered into joining in a celebratory family holiday, which my sis assured would not cost me a lot.

I was still paying for the financial misery it caused 10 years later and have been bitter about it ever since. I have kept clear of all such arrangements since then and do not feel a failure.

I see my parents a lot and spend what I regard as quality time with them. Throwing money at an expensive holiday is no compensation for seeing people on a regular basis.

Do not get yourself into a position you will regret over this - it is your life, live it the way you need to.

Sock_Monkey_2

Thanks for your replies. Like I say he really does mean well, but I know my brother and he will not be happy if I say I can't contribute. I am going to suggest that I work my butt off to find the best deals and perhaps suggest that he only does an Aus holiday only, not NZ as well.

It's just so frustrating that when I feel I am starting to get a grip on my debts and have a bit of a life that suddenly I am not earning enough again and despite spending most of my time finding ways to save money I am still not doing well enough.

SM

bargainbetty

Honey, family get ideas that they think are workable, but honestly don't realise the effect they could have on the other people involved.

Last year, when I was unemployed, my brother and sister-in-law bought an expensive camera for my mother's Xmas present, and left a message telling me it was now a joint present and I needed to pay X towards it. I wasn't happy, but bit my tongue and said nothing. Then, on my birthday in November, SIL called to wish me happy returns, and tell me that rather than sending a present she had deducted what I owed for Mum's present from what she would usually spend on me. By the way, I still owed them £12, but we could just call it a tenner for ease.

I cancelled the family lunch planned for my birthday (was afraid I would stab her with a fork), and assured my brother that I would never go halves on a gift with them again. I gave him the £12 letting him know that I wouldn't skip on the extra pounds, since his wife obviously needed it more than me. He was livid, having no idea what she had done.

Anyway, the point is this - call your brother and say it's a lovely idea, but you simply can't afford it. Sorry, but no. If he would like to do something simpler, like organise a family party, you can use the boards to help him make it an MSE event, but let him know that you have a budget and that's that.

If he gives you a hard time about not being a good sister or daughter, ask him if it is nice up there on his moral high ground. Do you really think your parents would want you up to your eyes in debt over a trip to NZ?

If you really want a holiday for them, why not find out where their honeymoon was, and see if you could go halves on a weekend break there for them - a tenth of the price and more thoughtful.

Good luck x

mozzyc

I can completely relate to this. And you know what, it is hard sometimes, feeling like the black sheep of the family with all the money troubles.
But you really can't think like that. Family just don't understand how hard it is living on such a tight budget, and what "skint" really means. They think that being low on money means that you just can't afford the take away that night, not that it means that you might not have any money left for food at all at the end of the month.

You've just got to sit him down and explain that as much as you love your parents, i'm sure they wouldn't want you to experience any hardship for there benefit. Its great to be able to treat those you love, but within reason and budget. You've got to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
Just sit down and have a brother to sister chat, and let him know how you feel and the reality of your situation.
I'm sure he'd understand.
Good luck!

Tixy

Hi SM

I understand you are really angry/upset at this. It really does sound like he doesn't have a clue about your situation - assuming he does I guess he might be the sort of person who thinks that if money is tight that means only affording 1 holiday a year not 2!
Either it is a genuine mistake on his part or he is unfairly pressurising you. You do not need to feel useless. Getting your parents an expensive present is not the most important way of showing your love for them.
You need to say to him you can't afford to contribute to this, or you could say you have already planned to do something (smaller or more personal). You could you will however look out for any deals.

Do you even think you parents would want to travel that far (he may be well off the mark with that as well). They may prefer a family & friends party or to go on a short break back to where they went on honeymoon.

If he has the money to spend on a present like this (and I would think most people would consider it excessive) then let him do that. Focus on doing something with love not with money.

If he is annoyed with you for messing up his plans then he should have consulted with your earlier than this and you could remind him they are his plans, not your plans.

Good luck.

bargainbetty

Just read your last message - so he won't be happy. Tough titty. You won't be in further debt. Don't be bullied into something that will negatively affect you for years!!

You deserve better than that....

BeautyandtheBeast_3

Hi there.

If your parents knew how things were difficult for you to get by then they would not want you to get yourself into more trouble etc. They simply wouldnt desire it. If it was me i would tell brother that there was no way i could afford that but i wouldnt cause a fuss or stop him sending them both there as his personal gift to them.

Then i would try to take parents out for perhaps a small meal somewhere (if i could afford that) or buy them something unique and a keepsake. Sometimes its the smallest of gestures that mean the most. Big hugs

furndire

Just explain to him you just are not in a financial position to help, as much as you would like to. As for lecturing you, doesn't he know there's a credit crunch on.
He's really not in the real world - hope he doesn't lose his job, boy would he come down to earth with a bang. I bet your parents wouldn't want you to get into debt either - I know I wouldn't want any of my family to put themselves debt just for us to go on a holiday. I'd sooner spend more time with them.