What would you advise?

PrincessPlaty

A friend of mine has just phoned me in tears.

She got married well civil partnership back in June this year, things have been very rocky since she found out her partner hadnt been paying the rent, and this wasnt found out until after they got married when the rent officer knocked on the front door and i answered it whilst i was there looking after her partners children.

Since June they have split up 3 or 4 times already over silly little things that her partner has blown way out of proportion.

There is quite a large age gap between them my friend is 38 and her partner is 23, her partner has 2 children aged 3 and 7 months old. My friend as a 8 year old jack russell cross whom has been living with her since he was a young pup!

She has just phoned me in tears, her partner is saying that despite the fact the dog was shut in the kitchen behind the stairgate he has nipped her youngests hand whilst he was crawling round the room unattended. There is a tiny little cut on his hand. Her partner is saying the dog has got to go. This is the first incident of anything like this occuring and although he is a grumpy git i have never known him to bite or nip and i have known him since he was a young pup and he has grown up around all of my kids and has been fine with them.

From my friends point of view there is no clear proof that the dog did this as her partner wasnt in the room, and as far as she is concerned her and the dog come as a package as does her partner and the kids.

She doesnt feel that she is able to rehome the dog as he is the only thing that has always been there for her no matter how hard her life has been she has always had her trusty dog by her side ~ he was even at the wedding and in the wedding photos!! She is now saying if her partner wants the dog to go then she would go to.

I can see both sides of it and i really dont know what to advise her for the best can anybody suggest anything which may help them

starbump

I'm truly sorry that so many people are unhappy, including yourself, and I would love to give you a happy ending - if I could.

However, I suspect your friend is probably going to end up divorced. There is a very large age gap and it's a clear case of pets versus kids. The reasonable compromise would be to re-home the dog but I don't think this would willingly happen and could cause relationship problems in itself as your friend would presumably be very distressed over her loss. Frankly, as a mom of two myself, it makes no matter if the danger is real or imagined. I have read too many horror stories about family pets savaging small kids, who have ended up badly injured or dead. On top of all this, the relationship is volatile (3 or 4 break-ups since June). The rent... hmm, well lots of people are poor at money management and leave it to their spouse so that is not necessarily a sign of anything. Anyway, I feel it all comes down to the dog. Sorry.

secretspender_2

aw how sad.
If my partner told me to get rid of my dog (who I have had since before we met), I'd tell him where to go.

DKLS

There seems to be a lot more going than just the dog issue.
Sounds like its not a match made in heaven.

foxy-roxy

Sounds like the dog is just an excuse for an argument.
She needs to stick to her guns, if she doesn't want to get rid of the dog then she should say no, if she truly believes the children are safe.
If she did get rid of the dog then her partner will only find something else to pick on.
The rent issue here needs to be addressed. why isn't she paying it? Is she in trouble of sorts, money wise.??
I think they need to have a long honest chat with each other on neutral ground somewhere.

melancholly

on the dog issue, if there's even the slightest risk of harm to small children, i think there isn't really a 'choice' to be made - i can't see how anyone would prioritise the dog. being fine with some kids is no guarantee and not worth the risk. however, if the accusation is just being made out of spite, that's clearly different.

sounds like there are bigger problems and fixating on the dog issue completely avoids the central problem that there's a lack of trust, building resentment and a big white elephant in the room that's being ignored.

i'd try and step away slightly in your position - being in the middle of a relationship breakdown isn't a nice place to be and at some point the much being thrown will land on you. she needs to sort this out with her partner - well, she needs to sort a lot out with her partner!

PrincessPlaty

Well she has called me this morning asking me if i can ask everyone i know if they would give him a good home she is absolutly distraught and could barely talk through the tears.
I have asked her if she is 100% sure and her reply was she has no choice, she couldnt really talk but she has said she is going to call me later when her partner has gone to work.

I dont like to be stuck in the middle of it all however i have known my friend for the past 9 years and only met her partner just before the wedding so my loyalties lay with my friend although i get on with them both, she has said she is going to pop round and see me when her partner finishes work (she has been left with the children today while her partner is at work and she is quite happy for the dog to be there so she doesnt have to take time off work says to me it is clearly a lot deeper than the dog issue) so i will be talking to her more when i see her face to face later on today.

I do agree though i cant see this relationship lasting

melancholly

i guess the important thing to do is not completely slate her partner until the relationship is really really over! otherwise, if they stay together, you'll be the friend that tried to ruin it (certainly in her partner's eyes and possibly also to a degree in hers!). obviously you have loyalties (and by the sounds of it, the partner isn't bringing much to the table apart from an attitude), just choose words carefully - you don't want to be accused of 'breaking them up'...... love makes us do silly things - like putting up with people who aren't good for us!

Zazen999

Her partner hadn't been paying the rent?

I think there's more to sort out than the dog; mainly what the chuff is going on with not paying the rent?

Does your friend work?

PrincessPlaty

Yep my friend works and i think this is a big part of the problem, my friend is working 50+ hours a week, she pays for everything well gives her partner the money to pay for everything though its not actually being paid it would seem

Her partner has only been working for the past 6 weeks and is only working 16 hours a week earning minimum wage.

My friend suggested to her about moving house them 2, 2 kids and the dog are stuck in a small 2 bedroom flat on the 5th floor of a tower block bang in the middle of the town centre, they are falling over themselves i can also understand why the dog is so ratty!! It would mean them giving up a council tenancy which is solely in her partners name and going privatly rented though the council have already served them with a section 21 (i think) notice!! Again though the problem they have is the lack of money because she is trying to pay off all the rent arrears that her partner has managed to run up.

I really dont understand how she has got into this mess and i do feel sorry for her she earns take home around £400 a week so its not like she isnt earning the money but because she is paying for everything out of it she always seems to end up with nothing left.

lostinrates

Second child is sven months old and yet came as part of the deal with the partner, suggesting that this is a very young and rushed relationship? Or have I got that wrong? If not it may have been a case of acting in haste and repenting at leisure

As a dog lover, I'd never trust small children alone in a room with a dog (or vie versa) let alone a grumpy dog.

The other stuff...paying for everything etc, is no different to many perhaps the majority of relationships where there are children of the age where a mother is at home/working parttime.