Grown apart

windswept

waitingforanemptynest wrote: »

I have read through all of your replies with interest (thank you for taking the time to give me your views). Over the years I have lost sight of who I am and what I want from life and so I want to see my children grow up and then I want to discover myself.

So your partner/husband was just a convenient sperm donor / wage packet to enable you to have a nice lifestyle for the children?

Why on earth would you lose sight of who you are because of everyday family life? Having a family doesn't change your inner self or your personality, you just naturally put your children first whilst they are growing up, at least any decent parent does.
I hope these people are very happy when they find themself, it may be all they have left when they've alienated the people they love.
Does your partner have any idea of how you feel or are you living a total lie? If it's a mutual decision then fine but if he has no inkling then shame on you for stringing him along, using him to maintain a lifestyle.
No doubt you'll want half the house and half his pension to enable you to "find" yourself.
Why the hell do some people have such massive personality defects that they can't be honest? What a vile way to live.

bestpud

windswept wrote: »

Why on earth would you lose sight of who you are because of everyday family life? Having a family doesn't change your inner self or your personality, you just naturally put your children first whilst they are growing up, at least any decent parent does.
I hope these people are very happy when they find themself, it may be all they have left when they've alienated the people they love.

I agree with everything you said, except I know for a fact that a poor relationship can and does affect how you feel about yourself and can have a deep impact on your personality.

And people don't have to alienate those they love when they end a relationship. I think the OP is heading that way and a bit of honesty now would stop that, and maybe save the marriage, but sometimes things don't work out. My ex and I get on well enough now though - we just can't 'be' together any more - doesn't mean I hate him, nor him me!

My ex was very aware our marriage was sliding, but he chose to ignore it, and buried his head, despite having relationship counselling and trying various other things.

I've 'found' myself now but it was not my choice to be alone, and neither was it my choice to be a lone parent, believe me! It is amazing what you learn about yourself when you have to though!

louise3965

windswept wrote: »

So your partner/husband was just a convenient sperm donor / wage packet to enable you to have a nice lifestyle for the children?


Talk about judgemental. None of us know the background, or why the relationship is failing. None of us know why the OP feels miserable or hopeless. But he or she does and though ideally of course talking through the issues with the partner would be a good idea, its not easy.

My constructive advice to the OP would be to forget all the notion about *waiting for a life* and get on with finding a small part of you NOW. Even if it is reading a different newspaper, watching a subtitled film, get on a bike for half hour or join a class or do a course. Do something different just for you. Then your head might become clearer.

red_devil

odd post what makes you think life will be any better/more exciting without your partner!

Katie-Kat-Kins

No one can tell you how to live your life or make you stay in a relationship you aren't happy with but it is sad when a marriage breaks down and your children will be hurt whenever you do it.

I'm sure that the grass does look greener on the other side but isn't it worth a bit of work and a bit of effort to see whether your marriage can be saved?

Many couples completely rediscover each other when their children leave home and have fulfilling and exciting lives together afterwards. You won't be living the same old life minus the kids, or at least not unless you want to.

Look back, remember you marriage vows, and remember how you felt when you took them, remember your hopes and dreams back then, have you fulfilled them? Do you still want to? How have you changed? Confide in your husband, you may find you share concerns and also aspirations. Make some plans to look forward to together when the children are grown.

Wouldn't you prefer to be looking forward to taking a grown up gap year with your husband once the children have moved out rather than looking forward to selling the family home and moving into a miserable bedsit alone with limited funds, no social life and friends who are all in relationships???

Chances are that a lot of this is idle chat from women who are bored with their current life. Most of them will make do and get through it, being a divorcee can be a lonely life. If it is possible to save your marriage and be happy within it then please make the effort to do so rather than giving up in the hope that there is something better out there.

Chances are your husband also feels anxious about what will happen when the children leave, how your relationship will fare etc. You could chuck in the towel or you could make a bit of effort to rediscover your relationship and the people who all those years ago promised to spend the rest of their lives together.

dizzyg_2

I can't believe so many people are jumping to conclusions about the OPs circumstances.

In answer to your question OP you and your friends are not alone in feeling this way. I grew up knowing my parents were just waiting for the day I was old enough so they could go their seperate ways and it was not an easy way to live.

You don't say what your relationship with your husband is like but you should sit and talk with him honestly about how you are feeling. He may be considering something similar or be totally shocked. Either way he deserves to know where he stands.

There is nothing wrong in feeling the way you do and it does not make you a horrible selfish person. Its how you handle it that matters the most. If you are really unhappy and can see no way back with your OH then life is too short to put up a front and just get on with things. Just be honest with yourself and him.