Grown apart

galvanizersbaby

Steel wrote: »

Interesting how some posters have assumed the OP and friends are female.....and married....

and that the partners in question aren't already aware of the plan!

jack*tigger

Can't you re-discover your partner as well as discovering yourself.

OH and I often have days where we hardly talk and are more like residents at the same hotel. But that's how life can be when you are both working and you have kids to run around after. And then we have other days when we have a good laugh together.
I have no idea what I want to do with my future. But whatever it is I can't imagine OH not being there to share it.

Maybe your OH feels the same way you do. That their live as been put on hold so the kids can have a stable, happy, loving home to grow up in. Maybe your OH has plans to travel the world or to write a book. Maybe they are looking forward to having you all to themselves again. Maybe you should talk to each other about it, before it's too late !

bestpud

Steel wrote: »

Interesting how some posters have assumed the OP and friends are female.....and married....

Lol, very good point!

It hadn't even occurred to me they may be male, although I don't think it really matters whether or not they are married tbh - it would still be an awful thing to do in my eyes.

Woby_Tide

Steel wrote: »

Interesting how some posters have assumed the OP and friends are female.....and married....

No self-respecting group of male friends would have spent today discussing relationships. There was an England game last night......:beer:

bestpud

waitingforanemptynest wrote: »

I have read through all of your replies with interest (thank you for taking the time to give me your views). Over the years I have lost sight of who I am and what I want from life and so I want to see my children grow up and then I want to discover myself.

You may well find you can do that anyway once the children have left.

You'll have more time and you could probably do your own thing alongside rediscovering your relationship?

I think it is natural to feel that way when you have children - I know I do sometimes!

In fact, I was just thinking the other day that, by the time my youngest is 17 and as dependent as her older siblings, I will have been in mum mode for 29 years (19 when I had my eldest and will be 48 by the time my littlie is 17) because of the age gap between my children!

Wouldn't change it for the world but it did give me a sombre moment if I'm honest!

Can you start doing things for yourself now as that may help your marriage?

January20

I don't know why you are all so hard on the OP. After all he'/she is going to wait until the children are grown up before moving on. Some people abandon their partner and children before that.

How can anybody say that the partners will be heartbroken? Nobody has been told how they feel? All we know is the way the OP feels. Perhaps the partners feel as trapped as the OP and his/ her friends?

As for working at a relationship, yes perhaps, but sometimes when something is broken it's not worth mending. So many couple stay together out of habit, fear of beign on their own and they don't necessarily make each other happy. Why? Why not take a chance? We have but one life. I wouldn't just keep trying at a relationship because it had been going on for many years if it didn't make me happy. Indeed I didn't and it was the best decision of my life. Sometimes the only way to find yourself again is on your own because it was your partner who made you lose who you are.

If you are in a happy relationship, be thankful and do not condemn others for not -in your eyes- trying hard at it, especially when you have as few details as the original post gave.

SailorSam

Steel wrote: »

Interesting how some posters have assumed the OP and friends are female.....and married....

I think it's because it would be unusual for men to sit around discussing their personal lives, and the OP says none of them are in abusive relationships, again we tend to presume it is women who are the target of abuse.

bestpud

January20 wrote: »

I don't know why you are all so hard on the OP. After all he'/she is going to wait until the children are grown up before moving on. Some people abandon their partner and children before that.

How can anybody say that the partners will be heartbroken? Nobody has been told how they feel? All we know is the way the OP feels. Perhaps the partners feel as trapped as the OP and his/ her friends?

As for working at a relationship, yes perhaps, but sometimes when something is broken it's not worth mending. So many couple stay together out of habit, fear of beign on their own and they don't necessarily make each other happy. Why? Why not take a chance? We have but one life. I wouldn't just keep trying at a relationship because it had been going on for many years if it didn't make me happy. Indeed I didn't and it was the best decision of my life. Sometimes the only way to find yourself again is on your own because it was your partner who made you lose who you are.

If you are in a happy relationship, be thankful and do not condemn others for not -in your eyes- trying hard at it, especially when you have as few details as the original post gave.

Aren't you contradicting yourself?

Don't stay in a poor marriage but at the same time commend her for staying until the children grow up and leave home?

Some people 'abandon their partner and children' (strong words) before the children leave home but her partner may be as happy to end it as her and she should not try if it's unfixable?

In my experience, adult children can be deeply affected by their parents parting as soon as they are out of the way - it can seem as though their life as they knew it was all a sham.

Know what you mean about finding yourself once you split though! I'm definitely more confident now I'm on my own and continue to surprise myself by doing things I never thought I could/would!

I just needed to know I'd done all I could to save our marriage before I could leave, personally.

January20

bestpud wrote: »

Aren't you contradicting yourself?

Don't stay in a poor marriage but at the same time commend her for staying until the children grow up and leave home? I know it sounds like I am contradicting myself but that's because I didn't say what I truly believe. I just felt the posters before me were harsh on the OP and wanted to show that there are other situations. Some parents leave their spouse and children for a new life (there was a thread in DT about a woman who did just that a few days ago). Personally, I believe that if you are unhappy in a relationship and you don't see a way of mending it, then it's better to call it a day, even if the children are young. Acutally, I don't think you can pretend to children that the relationship is ok when it's not.

Some people 'abandon their partner and children' (strong words) before the children leave home but her partner may be as happy to end it as her and she should not try if it's unfixable? What I meant is that we don't know what the partner thinks/ wants. Indeed we don't know anything about the relationship. So why comment that they should stay together... or split up for that matter.

In my experience, adult children can be deeply affected by their parents parting as soon as they are out of the way - it can seem as though their life as they knew it was all a sham. I totally agree with you. My dd suffered less from her parents splitting up when she was 7 than her friend whose parents split up when she was 14, then got back together for a few weeks, then split up again for good.

Know what you mean about finding yourself once you split though! I'm definitely more confident now I'm on my own and continue to surprise myself by doing things I never thought I could/would! Can't argue with you as I feel exactly the same.

I just needed to know I'd done all I could to save our marriage before I could leave, personally.

I tried for 3-4 years before throwing in the towel. Sometimes, I think I wasted those years, but I also know this is why I have no regrets.

bestpud

January20 wrote: »

I tried for 3-4 years before throwing in the towel. Sometimes, I think I wasted those years, but I also know this is why I have no regrets.

That's exactly how I feel.

My youngest is 7 too and she has coped very well with it - she's doing great in fact.

Personally, I think it is not separation that messes up children, but rather the way it is handled by the parents.