Question for separated couples with children

owsaboutthatthen

I split from my partner in 2006, and still haven't really come to some proper arrangements regarding access for our children (5 and 3). It is basically a case of a time "when it suits the ex" kind of thing, which i'm putting my foot down on.

I am a single parent and do find the role quite tiring most of the time. Especially when my children wake up at night, which seems to be a regular occurrence of late. I need a break, especially of a night so I can get some proper sleep.

The question I need to ask is, how frequently do your children sleep over at the "ex's" and for how long? I need to know that what i'm asking of my ex isn't unreasonable in any way.

Thanks in advance.

Wonder_Girl

we have my step children every other weekend Friday 6ish to Sunday 7ish and every other Saturday 9ish to 7 ish.

We also have them on a weds night too from school and drop them off at school the following morning.

If we need a weekend off we just arrange it in advance and maybe swap a saturday for a full weekend to make upo for it, but this is to make up time we spend with the chidlren not to meet a quota of time set out by the ex IYSWIM

pretzelnut

My DS who is 7 has been going to stay at his dads overnight since he was 1.

At 1st it was sat night about 6pm till sunday night 6pm and on a wednesday night too as he wasnt at school yet.

Then when he started school it was every weekend on a saturday night - his dad hated having him 1 less night a week but it couldnt be helped.

Now he is 7 and we live so far apart he goes to his dads every 2nd weekend friday tea time till sunday evening. He also goes for a week in the 2 week hls and in summer and occasionally stays the extra night when its a bank holiday weekend.

We arrange most things in advance like extra days, weeks in the hols and weekend changes if either of us have other plans. Nowadays my ex tries to arrange it so that he can take DS to the footy matches with his dad.

You need to get a routine going, for the kids sake mainly, so they know where they are, it can be very confusing for them to feel up in the air.

MY ex also sometimes tries to take the p!ss with me but i am very strong willed and once i put my foot down it stays there. You will also have to do the same as they will try it on as and when they can.

I consider myself lucky that we have always got on where DS is concerned and have always put him 1st but i can understand it can be hard when things arent so amicable between parents.

Allegra

Not much help to OP, probably, but just as an illustration of how different people in similar situations manage - I separated from the ex husband 6 years ago, and he has had no contact with our daughter (now 12) since.

The other half - also separated from his ex six years ago, divorced shortly afterwards - sees his son (now 7) once a fortnight, from about 10-6, usually on a Sunday. The lad does not stay overnight - we have offered, but he does not seem to be too keen on the idea of sleeping on a sofa bed !

galvanizersbaby

Hello OP

I have always had a shared care arrangement with my ex husband from the very beginning for our 2 children (now almost 7 and 5) - this has worked well for us for the last 3 years.

The children are with me Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday nights
They are with their dad Monday, Thursday and Saturday nights.

They are both at school (obviously) and I take them to school each morning regardless of whether they are with me after school.

We both get to spend a full day with them at the weekend (with me saturday and with him Sunday)

We live fairly nearby each other and are amicable - we put the arrangement in place mainly due to my ex husband not wanting to just see the children at the weekends and it has worked well so far.
Our arrangements are flexible obviously as things crop up and we sometimes need to change nights.

HTH

xmaslolly76

My two stay with their dad roughly 7 nights a month the pattern usually goes Mon and tues day night weeks 1 mon & tues night week2 wednesday night week 3 then the whole weekend on week 4. This may sound a little crazy but ex works shifts otherwise he would have them everyother weekend and maybe a couple of nights in the week in between.

Becles

When my ex lived 3 miles away, he saw the boys once every 6-8 weeks and he'd take them for 2-3 hours. He's now moved further away and doesn't bother with them at all now.

I have asked him to see them more, and he's been invited round to either play games outside or board games or computer games inside, so it wouldn't have even cost him anything to see them, but he chose not to.

floss2

My ex had the DS's every other weekend from 7pm Friday until 7pm Sunday. He took them away for a few holidays (all UK, mainly camping, no longer than 5 nights).

He never saw them during the week - not even on birthdays - despite living only 25 miles away.

The boys were 13 & 11 when we split up 10 years ago. I have no real idea how much they see their dad now as they both live away from home (Leeds & London).

sonsbear

You have to watch that it doesn't go over a certain number of nights or it affects the child maintenance. You might also like to look at the wikivorce site for advice.

My ex has 4 hours every other Saturday which admittedly isn't enough but short of forcing them ... I do sympathise and mine are older which I guess should be easier.

Jo_R_2

I sympathise OP. When I first split with my ex my DDs were 3 and 8 months and it took a while to get an arrangement that suited us (him:rolleyes:) In the interim I was knackered, and emotionally drained - I think sometimes the not-knowing-where-you-are really gets to you.

Has the ex expressed any preference over when is good for him to have the kids? When you talk to him, express things in terms of what is good for the kids, ie stability, routine, having that time to look forward to, rather than mentioning the being tired, needing time - sounds stupid because they *are* valid reasons too but my ex never responded well when I explained I just wanted some time for me because I'd had the girls three weeks straight, had been waking every night to feed DD2, was exhausted having to get up at 6am every day and just wanted to sleep...!

Maybe suggest some set-ups as a for-example on a trial basis, I always found trialling arrangements enabled us to come back to each other after, say, two months and tweak things. The arrangement we settled on eventually (DDs now 5 and 3, same as your two) is every other weekend, Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm. They share their own room at their dad's and have their own stuff there.

We went through a looong time of him taking the pee here and there, examples include him not turning up to pick DDs up one Sat morning, his phone turned off and not answering house phone, I eventually spoke to him where he said he was sick and couldn't have the girls, turned out he was hungover as they had friends stay over, I'd made plans and the girls knew they were going to see daddy (this was reminiscent of when he lived with us and wouldn't help with girls but would stay in bed) so I left message after message and eventually said if I didn't hear from him I would have to either come round and drop DDs off myself or take them to his mums... Cue phone call saying he had to go to the chemist to "get some medicine" but to bring them round shortly...

I've had to explain that he has the same responsibility as I do and just as I can't palm the kids off onto him because I've had too much to drink, he cannot think he can do that to me (I don't drink btw ) and if he cannot make a planned weekend he is responsible for sorting things out, either he lets me know in good time in which case I'm happy to work out something alternative, or *he*sorts it out - I'm not his default babysitter - sounds harsh but that's how he is.

I don't recommend going straight in with anything like that btw but don't be afraid to be assertive.

red_devil

my ex was good, I didnt get on with him but I couldnt fault his commitment (sp)

He drove up after work on a Friday night and had ds for the weekend every other week. Sometimes it was a 240 mile round trip.

He also took him away sometimes for holidays and came to his parents evenings etc. Did what he could even though he wasnt on the doorstep.

Son remained close and eventually when older went to live with him for a while. He is now independent.

You reap what you sew.

My ds is fully aware how his dad put it in with him and says he would do the same if he was in the situation and be a good dad. Will see ha.