keeping in touch with nephews and nieces when the parents dont speak

red_devil

Just wondered what people did here!

have you got any neices and nephews that you dont see because of not speaking with your brothers and sisters?

Do you contact them independently/see them without their parents. How does that work out?

Maybe you just let it go because the parents dont speak.

Im interested to see what people do here and whether anyone has success in meeting with nephews and nieces without parents involvement.

AlwaysWorking

My dad fell out with his sisters when I was a baby and so I never got to know them. To be honest it really depends on the reasons why the adults don't speak and the ages of the children. If they're adults it's their decision whether or not they want to keep in touch....but a child might feel 'stuck in the middle' or disloyal to a parent by keeping in touch with someone they don't speak to.

Barcode

I keep in contact with my Aunt, and went to visit her this weekend. She does not speak to my mother. But then, neither do I - we both have a similar view of her. Had I been close to my mother, I might have felt stuck in the middle, but as it is, I get on with my Aunt and think it's important to try and maintain family ties where feasible.

belfastgirl23

This happened in my family. Aunt A fell out with Aunt B (sisters). Aunt A said it was fine for her kids to see Aunt B but Aunt B got angry at her kids if they went to see Aunt A so contact was reduced a lot. Aunt B died unexpectedly and it was really hard for her kids because they had been sort of cut off from Aunt A and the rest of the family. her kids had also been struggling with her increasing ill-health but she wouldn't let them tell Aunt A. Not a good situation at all.

Coupon-mad

A bit of a long story. I have two teenage nieces who now come and stay sometimes (we live in different parts of the Country). This is a huge breakthrough bearing in mind what happened in the past.

My lovely sister was a single Mum who died suddenly when her girls were under ten. Sis was already divorced and when she died the girls were whisked away - practically overnight - and went to live with their Dad, who they had seen only at weekends up until that point.

I don't speak to their Dad for various reasons to do with the controlling way he treated my sister and arguments I had with him when we were grieving for my sister. So from then on, he didn't even let me send them a birthday card...I got them returned ripped up, and worse (horrible notes with them, some written by my poor young nieces under his direction).

Anyhoo, all through the next 4 years or so my old Mum managed to stay in touch with them with cards & the odd phone call (even though she doesn't like their Dad either, she's more even-tempered than me). Also my brother stayed reasonably chatty with their Dad when they met at footie matches around the Country. We knew the girls were OK at least.

So in the end, the girls came to stay with my Mum for a weekend and when their Dad wasn't around for a couple of hours - he stayed in a B&B - my nieces asked my Mum to phone me to come over to my Mum's house with their cousins.

My nieces were about 11 and 13 at this point. They had realised that they wanted to see their cousins again - and that just maybe I wasn't the horrible person their Dad had told them I was. We got on really well and I was able to tell them memories about their Mum, even have a hug etc. - although it took a few visits to build up trust and for them to feel relaxed.

At first they decided not to tell their Dad they had seen us. But once they were both teenage they said they were seeing me and there was no longer anything he could do to stop them. They come down on the train on their own using their own money so he doesn't get to control them any more like he did. The eldest girl has already left home at just 17 - not surprisingly they don't always get on well with their Dad so he will be the loser in the long run.

:T

Pssst

Facebook (or similar) is a great informal engine for this if they have accounts..?

clearing_out_my_pockets

I agree with others - it depends on why the parents don't speak. My parents had a falling out with my dad's side of the family about three years ago. I am an adult, and am able to see things objectively. If any of my uncles & aunts tried to get in touch with me (so far they generally haven't) I don't know what I would do. The cause of the argument isn't something that can be fixed and I'd find it difficult to forgive, forget and move on, but I'd be interested in hearing their slant on the situation. But my scenario is odd.

flippin36

Very common situation. Me and my sister were talking about this the other day and basically we both said actually it never bothered us that we didn't really know our aunties/uncles and cousins. It never really occurred to me until I was grown up that I never had any real extended family - and by then I had my own life. I also thought if they were that bothered they could have made some effort to be part of our lives but they didn't for what ever reason. Doesn't bother me.

We have history repeating itself with my OH who has an impossibly hard to please sister who has sulked for around 10 years (over something really silly). We decided a few years just to stop bothering making the effort with invitations etc because it felt like we were hitting our heads against a brick wall with her. As a result our children only see each other perhaps twice a year (which is a shame as they live fairly close). I used to feel a bit guilty about it (its not the kids fault) but she doesn't make any effort to involve us or our children in her life and actually the arguing has pretty much stopped over the past few years which has to be better for the children in the long run. We send birthday cards with some money in for her kids and she does the same but we never get any invitations. The kids visit their grandparents at the same time each week and she never brings the kids to play so I have just had to accept thats the way it will have to be. Sad but not the end of the world. Sometimes its better to let things lie than to be constantly trying to make impossible relationships work and being hurt each time

red_devil

My parents fell out with my aunt, she moved away and never wanted contact after her husband died. Made it clear and was quite rude once when my mum attempted to contact her and she stopped sending xmas cards.

Even though I and my siblings had done nothing wrong she never attempted to keep in touch and just wasnt interested. I havent seen my cousins for years which is a shame dont know much about them either. I have a cousin the same age and always think its a shame that we arent in some sort of contact. Hey ho they arent bothered though. I cant see this changing. There is always this scared of rejection thing as well even if you did try and make contact if you could find out where they were!

My oh dosent see his neice and nephew and hasnt for 6 years unfortunately. I dont know whats going to happen there or what they have been told its a mess and very sad.

Families eh!:mad: very difficult to negotiate and please.

The_Banker_5

red_devil wrote: »

My parents fell out with my aunt, she moved away and never wanted contact after her husband died. Made it clear and was quite rude once when my mum attempted to contact her and she stopped sending xmas cards.

Even though I and my siblings had done nothing wrong she never attempted to keep in touch and just wasnt interested. I havent seen my cousins for years which is a shame dont know much about them either. I have a cousin the same age and always think its a shame that we arent in some sort of contact. Hey ho they arent bothered though. I cant see this changing. There is always this scared of rejection thing as well even if you did try and make contact if you could find out where they were!

My oh dosent see his neice and nephew and hasnt for 6 years unfortunately. I dont know whats going to happen there or what they have been told its a mess and very sad.

Families eh!:mad: very difficult to negotiate and please.

Yep I always laugh when I hear people say that they never want kids because they have plenty of nephews and nieces. They must think that nephews and nieces will always want to know them and keep in touch with them.:rolleyes:

k1mmie

Lost touch with my sister a few years ago. Her children are a few years younger than mine. With the internet and facebook, its great now as they have all got in touch with their cousins and meet up regularly. Parents do not have to be involved and its lovely to see them all getting on. Think the adults will stay out of it though for upsetting the apple cart etc.