Scared and Lonely

flamingobroke

Hi Guys

I have never posted a message on a forum before so please bear with me!! Im not sure what to expect!! I an a total newbie

I have to confess to being a complete ostritch when it comes to money.

I am 34 years old and am £36k in debt. I am embarrased and ashamed to admit that I have run up this debt myself, over years of overspending and an addiction to buying. My attitude to money is apalling.
I have reached a point in my life where I cannot go on like this any longer.

I dont expect sympathy or prehaps even any help ( I know I dont deserve it) It would just give me a bit of light in my dark life to hear from someone who has lived through something like this and survived.

I have spent many years overspending each month convincing myself that everyone did it etc etc!!! I do think I have an addiction to spending as it is something i find hard to control and i am very very good at burying my head in the sand!! and pretending everything is ok.

Things first came to a head a couple of years ago. I was working 7 days a week just to pay my bills (I have my own flat.... Mortaged to the hilt!!) and repay the min payment on my debts, I was exhusted and depressed and really struggling. Then i met a great Man who I confessed all to and he really helped and supported me he moved in to my flat and helped me with the bills for 2 years life was good and the pressure was off, however I was still getting nowhere and convincing myself I was!!

A couple of months ago things went pear shaped and we split up, although it was my decision to split, I couldnt stay with him just becaued I needed his money. I know I made the right decision but it has crippled me!

I have been forced to take another weekend job and i can feel myself spiralling into depression and am more in debt than ever. I cannot sleep at night. I am exactly where i was this time 2 years ago only WORSE!!

I am so ashamed of myself and what I have become I have turned to comfort eating and alcohol to numb my feelings, I have piled on 3 stones in weight and can see no way out of this circle I have created for myself. I just want to crawl into my bed and hide under the covers and when I am not working thats that all I do!! I cannot find the motivation to turn my life around as the task seems so hopelessly huge. Working so many hours has taken its toll on my main job and due to the credit crunch i am no longer earning the bonus i relied on
I carry the guilt around all the time, I am close to my Mum and sometimes I cannot look her in the face knowing what I do. I cannot confide in her as we have health problems in the family and she has alot to cope with.If i dropped this bombshell on her now I think it would finish her off she would be so disapointed in me.

If anyone out there can give me any info on where to start it would be a great help like I said I know I deserve all I have.

Finding this forum today has been like a breath of fresh air I am useless with computers and although i knew about Martin lewis I never realised you could contact people in similar situations. I know there are many people struggling out there but I feel so alone.

Thanks for listening.........xxxxxx

Lucy1982_2

Hi

Firstly you do deserve someone to listen and offer some help, everyone does.

Secondly congratulations on coming to this point.

Ok where do you go from here? Try posted a statement of affairs, a list of your incomings and outgoings which we can then have a look at and see if there is anything that can be played with i.e. car insurance etc.

Like you I thought my Mum was be disappointed in me, but I braved telling her and things weren't that bad.

but you are in the right place for help and support, welcome to the boards

xx

Tixy

Hi Flamingo broke and a big welcome

Very well done for joining and posting. You may say you do not expect it but one thing you will get on here is sympathy and help. We can be here to help you sort out your finances and to offer moral support. Sometimes the advice may feel a bit harsh but its because we want to help you get out of the mess you are in. Do keep checking for replies and keep posting.

Right on to the practical advice. You need to write out a financial statement of affairs (SOA). This is vital for yourself because you will see exactly what position you are in. Better still if you post it on here we will offer our suggestions, we have nearly all been in or are still in debt, and many have been in a total mess so you should get some really good tips.

You will now not need to be alone anymore. We are your new virtual friends and support network.

Good luck

Tixy

So to post your statement of affairs use this link - http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html. You enter all your income & expenses & your current debts. Take some time to get the figures correct as it will help us give you the best advice. Then at the bottom of the SOA click on 'format for MSE'. Then post the results on this thread (you will need to remove a bit at the bottom of the SOA that shows the website address as it won't let you post addresses yet).

Jesthar

Hi, flamingo, and welcome to the wonderful world of MSE! You can now relax a little - you just landed in one of the BEST places on the internet for helping to chase the debt monsters away. *hugs*

As to not expecting sympathy, be prepared for plenty of it - a lot of people around here are in exactly the same boat, and those of us who aren't and still hang around here do it because we want to help people get themselves back on track and enjoying life. We're not going to judge you for making mistakes!

Now, the first thing that is useful for us to help us help you is if you can put together what we call a Satement of Affairs (known as an SoA around here). This is a comprehensive summary of your financial position - you include absolutely EVERYTHING and post it up for us to see, so we can help you work out what to do next. Pop the kettle on, hunt out your statements and bills, and you will find our favourite online page for doing one of these here:

http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

If you use the 'MSE' button in the 'Format post...' section, it will produce a version you can copy and paste into a post here which is easy for us to read. Once we have this the really useful advice will start.

In the meantime, congratulations on having your Lightbulb Moment, and again - relax a bit. You've already taken the biggest step by facing up to the fact you have a problem and posting here, and whilst there might be a long road ahead you only have to do it step by small step - with your fellow MSE-ers for support!

*hugs* again,

~Jes

madmalteaser

First off, welcome to the forum. You deserve just as much help and sympathy as anyone else on here so don't think you don't!

I echo what everyone else has said, get working on your SOA - it'll be hard and it'll really make you realise just how much debt you're in but it's a great of working out where you can cut back and there are some fab people on here with lots of wonderful ideas for saving money.

Ultimately, well done for taking the first step to becoming debt free. It'll be a long hard slog, but they're a really good bunch here who make it that much easier and bearable!

flamingobroke

Thanks Tixy, I will do that over the next couple of days as i am useless on a computer and I really need to sit down and take a good hard look at my incomings and outgoings, If you could keep a lookout for when I put it on that would be great. i will get the figures as acurate as possible. Thanks so much for replying. xx

MrsPorridge

Welcome Flamingo - all the other posters above have said it for me!

You have certainly come to the right place. Once we see your SOA then we can all help give you lots of advice and tips.

Please don't feel ashamed. You are not alone.

Take care and lots of hugs.

flamingobroke

Thanks Madmalteaser (God now im crying I think its been a long time coming) xx

edinburgher

flamingobroke - welcome to the boards and don't worry - this is without a doubt the friendliest board on the forum and nobody here will make you feel worse than you obviously do.

Splitting with your ex despite the financial stability would definitely seem to be the right thing to do (obviously without knowing the full circumstances). I went through a not massively dissimilar breakup three years ago and while it took me a while to pull things back from the brink financially I've never felt bad about the fact that I didn't stay in a relationship just for the convenience!

Get your SOA posted, broach the subject with your Mum (she may be able to help, if not financially, with moral support) and feel free to moan as much as you like her on DFW - we've all felt low as a result of our debts

*Edit: This thread may be of some use to you once you get up and debt busting, as it's for people looking to pay back fairly large debts:
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=581094

flamingobroke

Crikey I believe people are replying to me! Thanks to everyone who has replied to me I am going to work on my SOA and post it in the next couple of days. God i think I may sleep tonight for the first time in months. Is that a glimmer of light at the end of a very long tunnel. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx