What should I do? - Advice needed please!

gorgeous_gwen

I'd be wary if he said he only did it as he wasn't happy- how will you feel if you have a bad patch, an argument or similar and he's maybe out without you? What's to say he wouldn't do it again, either with her or someone else- how do you feel about that prospect?

mikeouk

miserablehelen wrote: »

Yes, That's how I feel - I don't want him to think that it's all ok but then I don't want to ruin everything, it's not worth giving up when our relationship is so good at the moment. But if I forgive him, aren't I telling him that it's ok to cheat on me? I've said this to him, and he's said that he would never ever do anything like that again, he only did it becuase he wasn't happy. He says he'll do anything to make it up to me, but words just aren't good enough. How do you make it up?!

i think you need to just stop analyzing this, put it in a box, close the lid and forget about it. Everyone makes mistakes and i believe, entitled to be forgiven the first time, also, you have to remember that for most men, sex is not as an emotional issue as it is for women, its just an act of lust, you have an itch and you have to scratch it (metaphorically). I realy think you should just forgive him on this one but emphasize the fact that he used up his "one"chance.
Life is short, if this guy makes you happy then stick with it unless he starts to take the pee

miserablehelen

he has everyone's numbers in the world so that didn't really suprise me. Apparently, she's been texting him every couple of months or so. To begin with he told her to leave him alone as he was happy with me but then after she didn't listen, he just started to ignore her. I've never actually met her but I think she's had sex with a few of their friends too. It seems she pounces on her brother's friends when they all go back to their parents house, very drunk.
My boyfriend says that he will just never go round there without me as he understands how I would feel about it, even if he knows he'd never do anything again.
I'm annoyed because I feel like I'm making excuses for him!

miserablehelen

mikeouk wrote: »

i think you need to just stop analyzing this, put it in a box, close the lid and forget about it. Everyone makes mistakes and i believe, entitled to be forgiven the first time, also, you have to remember that for most men, sex is not as an emotional issue as it is for women, its just an act of lust, you have an itch and you have to scratch it (metaphorically). I realy think you should just forgive him on this one but emphasize the fact that he used up his "one"chance.
Life is short, if this guy makes you happy then stick with it unless he starts to take the pee

Hi Mike, My head says you are right but I dn't right now know HOW to forgive him... Or what he/we need to do to make it better!

spiderdijon

miserablehelen wrote: »

Yes, That's how I feel - I don't want him to think that it's all ok but then I don't want to ruin everything, it's not worth giving up when our relationship is so good at the moment. But if I forgive him, aren't I telling him that it's ok to cheat on me? I've said this to him, and he's said that he would never ever do anything like that again, he only did it becuase he wasn't happy. He says he'll do anything to make it up to me, but words just aren't good enough. How do you make it up?!

I just made it clear to my OH that I will never forgive him but still want to be with him. It was very difficult at first, I barely left his side because I was so scared he'd go back to her.
It does get better though...actually, it doesn't get better, just less frequent, if you know what I mean?
I used to worry all the time, but now I only worry when I'm upset anyway and am doing that classic thing of finding everything that's wrong and worrying about it all at the same time, just to make things worse for myself:rolleyes:

I think if you want to stay with him, stay with him. The way I looked at it was, if I left him then, while everything was up the the air, I would have regretted it because I wasn't (and never have been) ready to leave him.

Only you can judge whether you're both strong and willing enough to stay together. I would stick it out for now and take it a day at a time.

To me it sounds like he is sorry, but it does seem a bit strange that she's recently text him (unless she's mental like my OH's ex. She told his friend that she'd slept with him in our bed, gave a date and time, which just happened to be when we were on holiday together?? Some girls like to !!!!!! stir)

Pollycat

miserablehelen wrote: »

Basically, 9 months ago, I went travelling for 2 and a half months, alone. While I was away, I found out last night that my boyfriend cheated on me with his best friend's sister.

miserablehelen wrote: »

I went to uplug his phone to plug mine in, and there it was. A text message asking whether he was still with me and how good the sex was. I obviously confronted him about it. He says he can't even remember it as he was so drunk and he woke up with all his clothes but in her bed.

miserablehelen wrote: »

Apparently, she's been texting him every couple of months or so. To begin with he told her to leave him alone as he was happy with me but then after she didn't listen, he just started to ignore her.

A one night stand 9 months ago and she's STILL texting him and saying how good the sex was?
And he says he was so drunk he can't remember?

Either:
1. she's a bunny boiler
2. he's the greatest stud in the world (is he?)
3. there's more to this than seems on the surface

If he can't remember anything about it and he woke up with his clothes on, how does he actually know they had sex?

miserablehelen

spiderdijon wrote: »

I just made it clear to my OH that I will never forgive him but still want to be with him. It was very difficult at first, I barely left his side because I was so scared he'd go back to her.
It does get better though...actually, it doesn't get better, just less frequent, if you know what I mean?
I used to worry all the time, but now I only worry when I'm upset anyway and am doing that classic thing of finding everything that's wrong and worrying about it all at the same time, just to make things worse for myself:rolleyes:

I think if you want to stay with him, stay with him. The way I looked at it was, if I left him then, while everything was up the the air, I would have regretted it because I wasn't (and never have been) ready to leave him.

Only you can judge whether you're both strong and willing enough to stay together. I would stick it out for now and take it a day at a time.

To me it sounds like he is sorry, but it does seem a bit strange that she's recently text him (unless she's mental like my OH's ex. She told his friend that she'd slept with him in our bed, gave a date and time, which just happened to be when we were on holiday together?? Some girls like to !!!!!! stir)

Well I'd heard that she was a mental before - they slept with another of their mutual friends about 3 years ago, and she's STILL texting him and sends him naked pictures, generally harasses him. I just don't know WHY my boyfriend would sleep with her.

Zazen999

miserablehelen wrote: »

Well I'd heard that she was a mental before - they slept with another of their mutual friends about 3 years ago, and she's STILL texting him and sends him naked pictures, generally harasses him. I just don't know WHY my boyfriend would sleep with her.

I think you have answered your own question there......sorry.

miserablehelen

Pollycat wrote: »

A one night stand 9 months ago and she's STILL texting him and saying how good the sex was?
And he says he was so drunk he can't remember?

Either:
1. she's a bunny boiler
2. he's the greatest stud in the world (is he?)
3. there's more to this than seems on the surface

If he can't remember anything about it and he woke up with his clothes on, how does he actually know they had sex?

he says he doesn't know, but then he says he also doesn't want to lie to me. And no, sadly he's not the greatest stud in the world!!
I've always known she was a bit of a mental! (see above)

Pee

Saying he won't go round to the house is great, as is the fact that his best friend isn't always around.

I think saying that you have thought long and hard and think the relationship is worth giving him another chance, but that you are not going to stand for being messed around should be enough for him to realise that he is being lucky to have this chance and that there won't be another.

Some men though just cannot keep it in their trousers. I have friends who are like this and they can't really explain... one ruined his marraige for a girl he couldn't stand the sight of afterwards, so now he's single he's not seeing anyone. There were problems in his relationship and he wasn't happy, but to repeatedly sleep with a woman he wasn't even that attracted to...