What should I do? - Advice needed please!

miserablehelen

Hi Guys,

I've set up a new profile on here as I didn't want my boyfriend to read this and I really hoped someone could give me some advice. Basically, 9 months ago, I went travelling for 2 and a half months, alone. While I was away, I found out last night that my boyfriend cheated on me with his best friend's sister. My boyfriend is quite emotionally immature, we've known each other for 8 years and been together for a year and a half. I knew he had problems with his feelings etc. before we got together and I knew our relationship would be hard work. Our relationship is now really good, we are getting on very well, moving in together in September and I can really see a great future together. He makes me happy (most of the time!)
When he cheated on me, I know things weren't going so well, and he admits that at the time he was going to break up with me. However, he realised how much he was missing me, and says he saw that he'd made the biggest mistake.
I don't want to break up with him over this, because it happened 9 months ago, our relationship is so much better now and I know that he has changed since then. He says that he feels dreadful about it and couldn't dream of being without me.

At the same time, I don't want to turn around and say thateverything is alright! I feel very hurt.

He wants to take me out for a meal tonight, he says he wants to make it up to me - but what do I do?

Pee

I'm inclined to think that a relationship which you know is going to be hard work is just too much hard work...

That said, at the time you were travelling without him and I guess everything was up in the air. The trouble is his best friends sister is still going to be about. You can't reasonably ask him to stop seeing his best friend...

He wants to make it up to you. You need to think about what you want, so that he can make it up to you. If you can't trust him again neither of you will have a life together...

Zazen999

miserable helen....if it is this relationship that is making you miserable then is it really worth it?

I'm with Pee....if you aren't happy with this relationship why on earth are you moving in together?

gorgeous_gwen

How did you find out about it?

miserablehelen

I was happy until I realised that he'd slept with someone else, that has made me very miserable! The problem is that this all happened 9 months ago. Things were difficult then, but now we moved on leaps and bounds which is why we are moving in together.

Zazen999

My point is; if you were happy with it you'd have signed on here as Happy Helen....

never_enough

You say he cheated on you, so there was obviously the assumption on your part, if not on his, that you were still 'an item' despite you being away. In which case it's a problem, but not an insurmountable one if it's the only issue you have. The fact that it was with his best friends sister is very awkward,as the previous poster has said, but again if you're confident in your relationship as it stands you'll get through this. The fact that he told you is a good thing too, but if you're in any way feeling unsure don't move in together yet.

miserablehelen

he's got an iphone so when he gets a text message it lights up the screen. I went to uplug his phone to plug mine in, and there it was. A text message asking whether he was still with me and how good the sex was. I obviously confronted him about it. He says he can't even remember it as he was so drunk and he woke up with all his clothes but in her bed. He only sees his best friend about 3 times a year as he works on a boat sailing around the world.

spiderdijon

Hi miserablehelen,

I suppose my situation is kind of similar to yours, in that you don't want to say it's all OK but you don't want to leave?

My OH messed me around alot at the start of our relationship because he had a hard time getting over his ex. Everybody told me I should leave him, that we'd never be happy, that he isn't good enough for me etc but I stuck it out and now, nearly 3 years later we couldn't be happier!

The only problem is, I will never trust him around her, and she is still very friendly with his best friends and we see her around alot. He's shown alot of remorse and hides from her/ignores her etc but it still doesn't stop me being paranoid! I trust him with every other girl in the world but her.

In my opinion though, our relationship isn't worth giving up just for that. I'd say about once every couple of months we have a slight hiccup about it but it is very quickly sorted out and if anything has made us stronger???

Maybe I'm a bit of a mug for staying with him but I certainly don't feel like it. The relationship we have 99% of the time is so worth it.

Hope that helps/makes sense!

miserablehelen

spiderdijon wrote: »

Hi miserablehelen,

I suppose my situation is kind of similar to yours, in that you don't want to say it's all OK but you don't want to leave?

My OH messed me around alot at the start of our relationship because he had a hard time getting over his ex. Everybody told me I should leave him, that we'd never be happy, that he isn't good enough for me etc but I stuck it out and now, nearly 3 years later we couldn't be happier!

The only problem is, I will never trust him around her, and she is still very friendly with his best friends and we see her around alot. He's shown alot of remorse and hides from her/ignores her etc but it still doesn't stop me being paranoid! I trust him with every other girl in the world but her.

In my opinion though, our relationship isn't worth giving up just for that. I'd say about once every couple of months we have a slight hiccup about it but it is very quickly sorted out and if anything has made us stronger???

Maybe I'm a bit of a mug for staying with him but I certainly don't feel like it. The relationship we have 99% of the time is so worth it.

Hope that helps/makes sense!

Yes, That's how I feel - I don't want him to think that it's all ok but then I don't want to ruin everything, it's not worth giving up when our relationship is so good at the moment. But if I forgive him, aren't I telling him that it's ok to cheat on me? I've said this to him, and he's said that he would never ever do anything like that again, he only did it becuase he wasn't happy. He says he'll do anything to make it up to me, but words just aren't good enough. How do you make it up?!

gorgeous_gwen

Can I ask- would you expect him to have his best mate's sisters number? I'm just interested why if it was 9 months ago she's texting him now about it?

So he only came clean when confronted with it? How has he been- did he admit it straightaway and how has he been with answering your questions?