paying csa for absent children

chriszzz

"Thank you all" for your replies.
We will be seing a solicitor and feel more confident that there has been adult manipulation involved in the girls decision.
What I have wrote on this thread is only a fraction of what his ex has done, proving it will be the hardest thing but hey!! we have nothing to worry about or lies to remember. Once again "thank You"

LizzieS_2

chriszzz wrote: »

Yeah! they were married for 13yrs, His contact with his children was to see them every other weekend because she works and she wanted to spend time with them on her weekend off, the agreement was between themselves.

As they separated 8 years ago the children were fairly young. The above is possibly your boyfriends biggest problem.

It appears both parents worked and both wanted quality weekends with the children. One weekend each is fair. From the childrens perspective, you need to look at what their feelings may be over lack of contact during the week - did your boyfriend offer to see them even if it meant finishing work earlier to collect from school, or did he put his job first during the week (I am looking at this from a possible childcare arrangement which the children may have resented).

sfm82

At the age 12 the girls are now allowed to make decisions of their own regarding contact with their parents. Maybe you should get in contact with CAFCASS they really are brilliant.

chriszzz

LizzieS wrote: »

From the childrens perspective, you need to look at what their feelings may be over lack of contact during the week - did your boyfriend offer to see them even if it meant finishing work earlier to collect from school, or did he put his job first during the week (I am looking at this from a possible childcare arrangement which the children may have resented).

My boyfriend offered to have his children through the week but she said it wasnt possible as they had a very busy life!! Then would say through a txt that he is more like an uncle, she played games with his emotions because she knew she could and thats exactly what she has done over the years.
I wouldnt be with a man who had little or no interest in his children, so believe me he has had a really complex time with his ex, he really has not been at fault. This woman has abused her power just because she can, even when we have had the children on his contact days and wanted to take them out wednesday evening, they have foned there mum to ask and they have always been denied of extra time with there dad. :mad:

chriszzz

sfm82 wrote: »

At the age 12 the girls are now allowed to make decisions of their own regarding contact with their parents. Maybe you should get in contact with CAFCASS they really are brilliant.

We did not want it to get as far as this, as this means having to directly involve the children, we think they maybe too afraid to say what they really want as we feel the children are very much influenced by her.

sfm82

chriszzz wrote: »

We did not want it to get as far as this, as this means having to directly involve the children, we think they maybe too afraid to say what they really want as we feel the children are very much influenced by her.

CAFCASS can still help you regardless have a look at their website and see if their services would be of use to you.

melorablack

chriszzz wrote: »

My boyfriend split from his ex 8yrs ago, he has 3 children 2 girls 1 boy (triplets), Everything to do with the children has to be though her instruction!! otherwise he has to face the consequences, which is usually her stopping him form seing the children, twice he has had to see a solicitor to resume contact. He has always paid maintenance for his children and has never questioned it as he wants to contrbute to there up-keeping.
His ex is a very vindictive and bitter woman, he had to leave the family home due to her having an affair with her oldest daughters father, whom my boyfriend legally adopted and helped to raise financially and emotionally, as her father did not pay towards her up-keep or had any contact with her.
My boyfriend has maintained contact as much as he has been allowed to, he loves his children dearly and always looks forward to seing them, but due to a small disagreement between my boyfriend and his ex on childrens sports day (she never went to watch them, only picked them up when sports had finished) The police came to my home within two hours, didnt say what branch they were from (her boyfriend works for the police). Two days later he recieved hate mails from his girls via my sons msn saying they didnt want to see him anymore because..wait for it.. he just only farts and smokes and why should we give respect to you when you dont give respect to us and we both hate you:eek: when we recieved that email we both cried it was so out of the blue, it was the girls who invited him to there sports day, we done lots of trips out and holidays with all the children so this came as a complete shock and soul destroying,they then deleted themselves from my sons msn, my son was also shocked because he had a really good frienship with them and they all got on well. That was july last year we have not heard or seen the girls since, his son still comes down every other wkend to stay and refuses to talk about anything were the girls are concerned, its almost like there dad has never exsisted, once on his retun home have they asked him what did you do at your dads.
Am getting to the point now, my boyfriend has refused to see a solicitor because the girls have sent him hate mail stating they dont want to see him and because its come from them he feels the court will accept thats what the girls want and feels it is pointless as the courts will believe the mother over the father. To me he now has lost all responsibility in his girls lives as he now cannot go and watch them at ports day, he can not speak to them, he did send them both a lovely letter trying to reach out to them but they read and torn them up, he still sends them gifts, b/day xmas etc and apparently the things we have sent they seem to break on opening.
As for the csa, should you pay for children who hate you?? We are almost sure the mother is behind this and if she is then not only is she abusing her power she is abusing her children from having a natural relationship with there dad, but we dont know that for sure as the son will not talk about his sisters. What do other readers think?? or has any other reader had similar thing happen to them.
Any advice would be appreciated!!

Has anyone asked the kids why they feel this way? Maybe if you did you could resolve this.

And yes..he helped make these children so he should pay for them until they are old enough to pay for themselves whether they want to speak to him or not.

chriszzz

melorablack wrote: »

Has anyone asked the kids why they feel this way? Maybe if you did you could resolve this.

And yes..he helped make these children so he should pay for them until they are old enough to pay for themselves whether they want to speak to him or not.

As they have severed all contact with us and my boyfriends family, there is only there mother who can ask them and she hasnt a positive thing to say about there father!!
He doesnt and never has, had a problem with paying for his children. I dont think its a matter if they want to speak to him or not, its a matter that if children take this attitude without a real cause, then men will become extinct in there childrens life and women who are vindictive can use and abuse there power and still take the mans money. That would be a sin for the genuine fathers out there who not only want to financially support but also emotionally support, some men are punished for there exes mistakes.

If he was still living in the family home and doing all the things that he has done with them while he has been with me, there is no question in my mind that they would tell him they hate him and severe contact with him.

melorablack

chriszzz wrote: »

As they have severed all contact with us and my boyfriends family, there is only there mother who can ask them and she hasnt a positive thing to say about there father!!
He doesnt and never has, had a problem with paying for his children. I dont think its a matter if they want to speak to him or not, its a matter that if children take this attitude without a real cause, then men will become extinct in there childrens life and women who are vindictive can use and abuse there power and still take the mans money. That would be a sin for the genuine fathers out there who not only want to financially support but also emotionally support, some men are punished for there exes mistakes.

If he was still living in the family home and doing all the things that he has done with them while he has been with me, there is no question in my mind that they would tell him they hate him and severe contact with him.

I appreciate what you are saying but I was once in your OH's daughters' position. I no longer speak to my father and haven't seen him for years because of the way he treated my mum and he claims that she has poisened my mind about him...what he doesn't seem to understand is that I remember the arguments and fights between them. He also claims that my mum is an unfit mother - but if she really was then why would he leave me with her?

Also...your OH has one up on my dad because he actually pays for the kids :T

Even if nothing at all has happened between your OH and the kids to make them behave this way, lets face it...didn't you ever hate your parents when you were that age? It's just easier to have no contact when you don't live with that parent. Plus I wouldn't have been allowed to say things like that to a parent at any age - I'd have been in so much trouble!!! :eek:

chriszzz

melorablack wrote: »

I appreciate what you are saying but I was once in your OH's daughters' position. I no longer speak to my father and haven't seen him for years because of the way he treated my mum and he claims that she has poisened my mind about him...what he doesn't seem to understand is that I remember the arguments and fights between them. He also claims that my mum is an unfit mother - but if she really was then why would he leave me with her?

Also...your OH has one up on my dad because he actually pays for the kids :T

Even if nothing at all has happened between your OH and the kids to make them behave this way, lets face it...didn't you ever hate your parents when you were that age? It's just easier to have no contact when you don't live with that parent. Plus I wouldn't have been allowed to say things like that to a parent at any age - I'd have been in so much trouble!!! :eek:

I understand why you feel the way you do, and am sorry that you have had to learn to cope with the bitterness between your dad towards your mum,but not all fathers are the ones that behave badly, your situation is roles reversed in our situation.

If genuine fathers were to give up on the child/ren that they love because the mother was making it difficult, should we just let it go and let the ex and the children fill themselves with hate, or would it be better if the two parents could be mature and focus on there child/ren, otherwise men will only be seen as money and not needed for anything else
As I was growing up I did at times hate my father but that was because I didn't like discipline, not because i only seen him every other wkend, he was a strong force in our household and he taught me things that my mother couldnt and vice versa, that stood me in good stead for my future. I would hate to have grown up with my parents seperated cos i too might have developed a low opinion on men, some women can be worse than men and not every broken family comes from men behaving badly, but no matter who is at fault it is usually mostly the men who get punished and when there child/ren cant see them everyday, its easier for the child/ren to turn to hate there father, I think thats a sad state of affairs for child/ren and there fathers, i have a son and he sees his dad when he can and he has grown up with no hang ups because we as parents made sure he was the most important person in our split and took every step to make it as comfortable as possible and making sure he had the love from us both.
Everyone has there own story and reasons for feeling the way they do and I respect why you feel the way you do towards your father, things may have been different if he had not disrespected your mother, payed maintenance and seen you reguarly. May be you would have had a different opinion and may have understand that it can also be difficult for some dads who dont behave badly!!