paying csa for absent children

chriszzz

My boyfriend split from his ex 8yrs ago, he has 3 children 2 girls 1 boy (triplets), Everything to do with the children has to be though her instruction!! otherwise he has to face the consequences, which is usually her stopping him form seing the children, twice he has had to see a solicitor to resume contact. He has always paid maintenance for his children and has never questioned it as he wants to contrbute to there up-keeping.
His ex is a very vindictive and bitter woman, he had to leave the family home due to her having an affair with her oldest daughters father, whom my boyfriend legally adopted and helped to raise financially and emotionally, as her father did not pay towards her up-keep or had any contact with her.
My boyfriend has maintained contact as much as he has been allowed to, he loves his children dearly and always looks forward to seing them, but due to a small disagreement between my boyfriend and his ex on childrens sports day (she never went to watch them, only picked them up when sports had finished) The police came to my home within two hours, didnt say what branch they were from (her boyfriend works for the police). Two days later he recieved hate mails from his girls via my sons msn saying they didnt want to see him anymore because..wait for it.. he just only farts and smokes and why should we give respect to you when you dont give respect to us and we both hate you:eek: when we recieved that email we both cried it was so out of the blue, it was the girls who invited him to there sports day, we done lots of trips out and holidays with all the children so this came as a complete shock and soul destroying,they then deleted themselves from my sons msn, my son was also shocked because he had a really good frienship with them and they all got on well. That was july last year we have not heard or seen the girls since, his son still comes down every other wkend to stay and refuses to talk about anything were the girls are concerned, its almost like there dad has never exsisted, once on his retun home have they asked him what did you do at your dads.
Am getting to the point now, my boyfriend has refused to see a solicitor because the girls have sent him hate mail stating they dont want to see him and because its come from them he feels the court will accept thats what the girls want and feels it is pointless as the courts will believe the mother over the father. To me he now has lost all responsibility in his girls lives as he now cannot go and watch them at ports day, he can not speak to them, he did send them both a lovely letter trying to reach out to them but they read and torn them up, he still sends them gifts, b/day xmas etc and apparently the things we have sent they seem to break on opening.
As for the csa, should you pay for children who hate you?? We are almost sure the mother is behind this and if she is then not only is she abusing her power she is abusing her children from having a natural relationship with there dad, but we dont know that for sure as the son will not talk about his sisters. What do other readers think?? or has any other reader had similar thing happen to them.
Any advice would be appreciated!!

onetomany

r bless , i would go striaght back to solicters and take legal action, i rekon girls are just being loyal to their mum , my son not seeing his dad at mo for diffrent resons but i no he wants to see him because ihe tells me often , no court or medtiaion will belive these emails, a member of cafcas will ask the girls on there own if they want to see there dad , the court will only refuse access for a good reson and these isnt a good reson, i rekon if he did fight it will prove to the girls how much he loves them, as a kid i bet they thinking hes not doing anything he dont care you no what kids are like very black/white in their thinking, and tell him there mum is his ex no one will expect them to get on , if that was the case they would propley still be married , there is a lady on here who works for the family court se can give you some good advice (soz about spelling)

chriszzz

Thank you for your advice , I will speak to him again about taking legal proceedings.

He has been treated something awful from his ex and she certainly doesnt promote his importance to the children, she thinks they would be better off without him!! there are fathers out there who dont bother and shame on them :mad:

Thing is she is shaping there future, her oldest daughter had no contact with her father and now her daughters (to my boyfriend) are having no contact with him. what concerns him is how are they going to develop positive, loving relationships in there future??

Gorgeous_George

You are not alone. This situation is much more common than you think.

You could consider making a video diary. Include scenes of dad wrapping presents, writing cards and posting them to his children. When they are old enough, these videos may help the children to understand why their father couldn't be a part of their lives. By all means see a solicitor too. This will be expensive and unfortunately the costs will not be allowed against the child support assessment.

Remember, every dog has its day and this evil woman will have her comeuppance eventually.

GG

pb6672

You don't mention how old the children are, which will have some bearing on the approach the family courts took, but Onetomany is right - he needs to speak to a solicitor and take this to court.

It's important to remember that the law is on his side here. You say he has had to see a solicitor before, so does he have a court order defining his contact? If so, she is in breach of it! If not, then it sounds like this time he needs to ensure he gets one to try and help prevent future problems.

I have experienced a similar situation in the past, so my heart goes out to you both. One thing to look at is what the emails say, because certainly in the case I was involved in it seemed pretty clear that the language used by the children was not their own. For example, does it seem reasonable that they would talk about concepts such as mutual respect at their ages or does that indicate adult manipulation? Such "evidence" may or may not be relevant to a legal case but it can certainly help give you strength to get through this difficult time.

One thing I would be doing is writing to the children on a regular basis. Keep the letters sort of general and chatty rather than talking about the situation, though of course they could be finished by saying something like "love you loads, miss you, Dad" or whatever. Keep copies of them in case the mother intercepts them, and this way the girls will begin to realise that Dad is still there for them and will help develop the relationship in the future.

starnight_2

Unfortunately yes he still has to pay CSA for them wether he is seeing them or not. On the next point I agree with everyone else, get your bf to see a solicitor regarding access. Depending on the childrens age will depend on how things proceed.

skibadee

As has been said Yes he will still have to pay CSA...we have a very similar situation...but my husband always sends b'day and christmas cards to his children...wether or not his ex gives them to to them is another matter!

chriszzz

This message is for smiley_mum. Thank you for your message. I have posted a private message but not sure you will have recieved it cos i dont know what am doing lol In fact if i have done it right you will have probably recieved 3 of the same messages which i apologise for.
I understood everything you said and understand reason you sent it private, just like to say Good Luck to you and your boys and dont forget you are doing a wonderful job :A

chriszzz

pb6672 wrote: »

You don't mention how old the children are, which will have some bearing on the approach the family courts took, but Onetomany is right - he needs to speak to a solicitor and take this to court.

It's important to remember that the law is on his side here. You say he has had to see a solicitor before, so does he have a court order defining his contact? If so, she is in breach of it! If not, then it sounds like this time he needs to ensure he gets one to try and help prevent future problems.

I have experienced a similar situation in the past, so my heart goes out to you both. One thing to look at is what the emails say, because certainly in the case I was involved in it seemed pretty clear that the language used by the children was not their own. For example, does it seem reasonable that they would talk about concepts such as mutual respect at their ages or does that indicate adult manipulation? Such "evidence" may or may not be relevant to a legal case but it can certainly help give you strength to get through this difficult time.

One thing I would be doing is writing to the children on a regular basis. Keep the letters sort of general and chatty rather than talking about the situation, though of course they could be finished by saying something like "love you loads, miss you, Dad" or whatever. Keep copies of them in case the mother intercepts them, and this way the girls will begin to realise that Dad is still there for them and will help develop the relationship in the future.

The children are 12yrs old will be 13 this september. He does not have a court order, the agreement was that he had the children every other wkend. Due to him not being able to do what she wanted, she stopped him from seing the kids, he then had to see a solicitor it took 3 months before contact was resumed, once contact was resumed the solicitor did not advise him to go in for a court order so that it would not reoccur.
We have kept correspondence ie hatemail, letter that he wrote, which they tore up and put in bin, any gifts sent are given to his son to take home to give to the girls.
As for the childrens language in the e-mail I would defo say there has been adult manipulation, the girls had a great r/ship with there dad and loved my son, we all got on very well. it was a complete shock to us all,
He is a great dad and it saddens me, as a mother, that some women behave this way, If he was to live in the family home, would of the girls told him that they hated him???

Gorgeous_George

One day they will grow up and they will remember how their mother denied them their loving dad. They will also remember how she manipulated them for her own selfish reasons.

Their hatred will then be real but will be reserved entirely for their vile mother.

Keep a diary and make them aware that it exists. Let them have a copy on request when they are adults.

GG

chriszzz

Gorgeous_George wrote: »

One day they will grow up and they will remember how their mother denied them their loving dad. They will also remember how she manipulated them for her own selfish reasons.

Their hatred will then be real but will be reserved entirely for their vile mother.

Keep a diary and make them aware that it exists. Let them have a copy on request when they are adults.

GG

:T Just hate it when some mothers behave this way. When I split from my sons father, the most important person was my son and who was I to deny him the loving r/ship they both share, I love my son to much to deny him his father, they both needed eachother, he teaches him things that i cant, vice/versa.

We have kept all correspondence and maybe one day we will have to use it, but in the meantime the only ones who are really suffering are the girls.

thanx GG