I am at the end of my tether

rosered1963

Hi again CCstar.

The way your son is, as you describe him, I am surprised he has the self-discipline to hold down a job. This does show, however, that he can apply himself when it suits him. He just cannot apply himself in the long term - he wants instant gratification and therefore ,I would say from all that you have said, that he may well have an addiction problem, evidenced by all the behaviour you have described.

Can I just say though, he may well change, and you may get your boy back. It is absolutely critical that you sit your OH and mother down for a serious meeting about how you all proceed from here, where your son is concerned. If either of them think you are being harsh, you can point out that lenience and consideration shown by you all so far has not yielded results - it merely prolongs his way of living. They must not undermine you - it is all for his own good as well as for yours.

I wish you luck and hope that you can re-connect with your son. Sadly, he doesn't seem to have realised yet that you are human beings in your own right, as well as his parents. Time to make him realise. He will try to manipulate and play you off against each other - don't let him. I agree with all the others - you need to start playing this hard and consistently - no exceptions.

RR

BitterAndTwisted

As I have already suggested, you need to sit down and have a quiet chat with your mother and your OH and come to a mutual agreement about how you all proceed together.

Past tactics (if there are any, other than your own) have patently FAILED and a new and different approach is vital. Some family members appear not to have quite grasped this yet but they will and I truly hope they do before it's too late.

wolfehouse

i cannot give any advise as i am going through the same thing myself just now. but i did learn one thing. you must take care of your own self or there will be 2 casualties from all this chaos.

i personally have sought out a carer's organisation (for mental health problems)
they don't seem to mind that there is no diagnosis, and i absolutely must have somewhere to unload.

trying to do the right thing by our adult kids and still show them we love them is not easy and probably the reason why other family members want to believe there is no real problem but he may have to hit rock bottom before he gets any motivation or insight to turn himself around. he is too old for the family to correct this one.

and that is when you have to still have the communication open and help him with a second chance. boy it's tough. take care of yourself.

Horasio

wolfehouse wrote: »

i cannot give any advise as i am going through the same thing myself just now. but i did learn one thing. you must take care of your own self or there will be 2 casualties from all this chaos.

i personally have sought out a carer's organisation (for mental health problems)
they don't seem to mind that there is no diagnosis, and i absolutely must have somewhere to unload.

trying to do the right thing by our adult kids and still show them we love them is not easy and probably the reason why other family members want to believe there is no real problem but he may have to hit rock bottom before he gets any motivation or insight to turn himself around. he is too old for the family to correct this one.

and that is when you have to still have the communication open and help him with a second chance. boy it's tough. take care of yourself.

I am sorry to hear you are going thro a similar situation

You are right and I fully intend to look after myself too

Who is this organisation?

I think we all thought it was a late teen phase but to continue this into his 20s is plain daft.

wolfehouse

every local area offers services to carers. try googling your area+ carers

they tend to be splint into different categories i.e. the local carers groups for carers of people with physical disabilities (not as clear cut as you might think) and ones for mental health. in my area (east ren) the mental health one is called causeway.

addictions has its own etc. (adaction run things for them i think)

there is also an umbrella info service that can put you onto the right one
in glasgow it is the carers information and support line
0141 353 6504 and if they are not the right place they will tell you where to call.
http://www.crossroads-scotland.co.uk/cislmain.htm

you have a right in law to an assessment of your needs as a carer (which includes anyone who needs your help because of illness, frailty, disability or addiction) and there is finally a bigger awareness of carers needs. hurrah.

Savvy_Sue

Actually, I think there are things you can do, even without the support of other people.

You can say what YOU are not prepared to tolerate. When there's an argument and you're accused of being mean, leave the room. Decide what YOU want to do about the phone, and do it. No need to discuss it if others would have done different: it's done now.

Horasio

The cremation was today

Our son put his pride before the feelings of our family

He accused my OH of saying something nasty, which is not true, as well as letting a criminal run up a huge bill, and wants US to apologise to him and will not talk to us until we do.

He has two days to get his house emptied and cleaned before he has to give the keys in and it is still a tip.

He is talking to my mother but not us and she is weak as far as he is concerned. She has contributed to him being spoilt by giving in and throwing money at him. Now her bond money is at stake if he doesn't clean up the place to a decent standard, she is feeling as angry as we are.

I feel tired and fed up tonight:(

RAS

Hi

You need to stand back for the next two days and let the situation between your mother and son play out.

Either he start to take some responsibility or he let's her down when she is not in a position to carry it.

If it is the latter, you may have the first lever towards negoitiating a more responsible attitude ffrom your mother. So maybe think very hard about what you will say, " yes mum, I know but every time he does this to one of us, he get another one to bail him out. How are we going to deal with it better this time?"

kiddy_guy

CCStar wrote: »

The cremation was today

Our son put his pride before the feelings of our family

He accused my OH of saying something nasty, which is not true, as well as letting a criminal run up a huge bill, and wants US to apologise to him and will not talk to us until we do.

He has two days to get his house emptied and cleaned before he has to give the keys in and it is still a tip.

He is talking to my mother but not us and she is weak as far as he is concerned. She has contributed to him being spoilt by giving in and throwing money at him. Now her bond money is at stake if he doesn't clean up the place to a decent standard, she is feeling as angry as we are.

I feel tired and fed up tonight:(

You may feel tired, fed up, but do not give in! You just remember you are in the right, and he needs to grow up!

BitterAndTwisted

As long as your son is not talking to you and your OH he's not knocking on your door expecting to be bailed out like some spoiled and irresponsible child. I have a nasty feeling that the deposit on the old flat is going to go down the tubes and when that happens he won't have your mother to wangle anything out of again, at least for some time.

That he's consorting with criminals is a terrible worry but at his age there is little you can do about the company he keeps. I'd be considering the best way to keep him at arm's length to be honest, and he seems to be doing that for you. So, result!