I am at the end of my tether

Horasio

Our 21 year old son had his mobile phone stolen and lied to us about what happened. He didn't report it missing for 2 weeks and we are landed with a high mobile bill. We have 4 months on our contract in our name, as he was living at home, he was keeping to his allowance.

We are upset enough at having to pay this bill but our son's lies and immaturity to come clean and sort it is the real issue.

He has been thrown out of his rental property due to the noise his visitors were making. He has another place lined up but worried the same will happen to him there. He likes to show off and befriends people who are younger and from poorer backgrounds.

He has a job but he feels they are being unfair with him. His boss isn't very tactful but he has problems with any criticism in any form.

He was the model student at senior school but in the last 4 years he has:

Spent all the savings we started since he was born for a deposit on a property.

Got chucked out of uni in year 3 for not doing his work nor doing anything about it.

Stormed out of home and lived in a dump with his mate till the place got taken back by the council. He stormed out because his comings and goings were disturbing us and he had parties in our house whilst we were away, and lied about it.

He came and lived with us in a big house for a while and moved into his rented property after he got his current job.

The main issues we have are his lying and unwillingness to face any problems.

It came to a head last night when my OH rang him about the bill and our son hung up on him. Our son rang my mother and accused my OH of threatening to hit him which is NOT true. The other week our son accused me of swearing at him and it did not do that. We have both been trying to be reasonable but he thinks we are being nasty. He reacts to anyone who criticises him in ANY way is nasty.

He is acting beligerently towards me and my OH. He is being OK to my mother but she lost her husband last week and the funeral is on Tuesday. At the moment she says she doesn't want him at the funeral but she isn't a very consistant person.

She has been very generous to him but he doesn't look after the things he is given. Now my stepdad has died, she has less income, so CAN'T be as generous now. We are trying to start a business after losing his job in 2008, so our money is only for living on and not for our son.

I don't know what to do now. I know he is 21 and have backed off from him since he left home but he is still causing trouble for our family.

BitterAndTwisted

It's very, very hard to see the little darling we raised behaving so irresponsibly but I think the time has come for him to take responsibility for himself. At 21 years of age he has to take charge of his own life because if he won't he will be an albatross round your necks forever.

"He has another place lined up but worried the same will happen to him there". Worrying will not fix anything: let him make his own mistakes and live with the consequences. I think you need to make it quite clear that you will NOT welcome him back home if things go wrong again. At 21 he should be capable of looking after himself without depending on his parents.

Pay the mobile phone bill and make it crystal clear to him that this is the very last time you will be picking up the tab for anything.

This accusing you of swearing at him is a smokescreen to avoid discussion about what's really going on, so please don't be distracted by this.

Stand firm!

aliasojo

You're the net he bounces back off.

Take it down. He needs to develop and mature and in order to do that, he has to experience life's ups and downs for himself, without you there to absorb the consequences for him.

Tell him you love him but that he has to sort out all his own stuff from now on. Don't take out things in your name, that will not help him. Expect him to kick off at first, after all you're pretty much telling him that you wont be making things easy for him but eventually he'll grow his own backbone and all this will pass.

You can't change his character, if he has personal issues with the way he deals with people and problems then you need to step back and let him be, as hard as that is. He will either learn better ways to be, or he may always be this way but even if that is the case, you wont be able to change that so for your own peace of mind, step back. He's not a little boy you can mould anymore, he's an adult who needs to find his own way in the world. He may well mess up loads of times before he settles down but you can't sort his life for him so let him get on with it.

BitterAndTwisted

And another thing: do NOT get him a replacement hand-set for the stolen phone. If he needs a mobile then he has to ruddy-well sort out a new contract for himself or get a pre-pay.

It's sink-or-swim time.

And please tell your mother that she's not to offer him any financial help whatsoever for the foreseeable future. He cannot expect support from an OAP, that's just crazy

rosered1963

Hello CCstar.

I might be completely wrong here, but the behaviour of your son makes me think he might have a problem with drugs and /or alcohol. Dropping out of university, taking money from you aged 21, being beligerent towards you, lying to you, getting kicked out of his flat, expecting a free ride. Just a thought, but either way, you might have to cut him loose or he will keep doing it to you and never address whatever his problem is ( and he does have one, whatever it is) I recognise the behaviour you describe. Good luck.

Pollycat

I agree with the replies you've already had, it does sound like he's somewhat irresponsible and very slapdash about some things.
And the more you help him out, the more likely he is not to step up to his responsibilities
At his age I was married, running a household (albeit a rented house) and budgeting for bills and food.

Why he didn't report the theft as soon as it happened?

What happened to the property he used the savings as a deposit for (was it a deposit for a mortgage or just a bond for a rental place)?

I think he's overdue a good dose of tough love - however hard it is for you.

Horasio

My mother has spoken to him and he is not coming to the funeral but cleaning his house instead so it is in a fit state for the handover next week, She paid the bond last year, so wants the place made good before then.

He said he was going to have a MEGA party tonight which really has upset my mother and she TOLD him to cancel it. If he defies her, he will be dropped completely from our family.

We know how hard it is to start with and we all helped him but over the last year, he has not helped himself by saving or getting better qualified etc. He spends all his money on non essentials then claims he can't pay his bills

We think he drinks too much and it is a wonder he hasn't been sacked or worse.

He got a free SIM card and is using an old phone but don't know whether to cancel the contract now or let it lapse in November or transfer it to me.

I am so upset by his behaviour and the timing of it, plus she isn't in the best of health just now.

Money_maker

Cancel the contract or your will continue to pay for his mistakes.

He's 21.

BitterAndTwisted

GET THAT SIM CARD BACK IF YOU CAN"T CANCEL THE CONTRACT! If the contract can't be cancelled without a penalty get the the service disconnected or whatever it needs to prevent you from having to cough up any more money.

He needs to pay for his own phone as he can't be trusted with yours, as he has proven already.

That he's got a problem with drink or drugs is the first thing that came to mind.

If he's going to have a massive party there's absolutely nothing you can do to prevent it and if your mother loses the deposit she'll most likely have to chalk it up to experience. What will the consequences be if the damage to the property is more than the deposit the landlord is holding? Who will be legally responsible for that?

Horasio

Thank you, everyone, for your advice:)

I agree with everyone's reply but,

I also have another problem.

My mother and OH haven't always backed me up and have them to convince as well. It has ended up in big rows between us, rather than dealing with our son. If getting the SIM card would help, I would ask for it but my OH won't back me up.

I tried to nip it in the bud 4 years ago but they undermined me plus my mother gave him money without us knowing, and spoiling him to excess when she looked after him as a toddler. She was much harsher with me as a child.

I feel I have 3 stupid kids to deal with alone sometimes:(

BitterAndTwisted

Good Lord! You can't be expected to raise your son properly if other members of the family are undermining you all the time. I suspect this might be at the root of the damned problem.

What I think you need to do is have a quiet family conference with your OH and your mother when you are feeling your calmest, explain that you understand quite well that what they have been doing in the past has been from good intentions but that this has obviously failed and you think it's time it all stopped. No amount of making excuses for him and bailing him out is going to help your son grow to be an autonomous and responsible adult, only facing up to his responsibilities personally will achieve this. Not helping him do this will be a terrible disservice in the long-term. It appears that he's been getting mixed messages for rather a long time and that's really, really not helpful

I honestly feel that you if you can't achieve a united front on the way forward your son is doomed to remain in his current infantile state.

Poor you!