Alcohol self help thread II

brodev

Danmar, I am an alcoholic and I am always utterly amazed at the forebearance of the partners that people like me find. I would never presume to suggest to any partner of a problem drinker what to do except to consult the experts ALANON. They have the knowledge and experiance of dealing with the exact same feelings that you are experiancing. Contact them.

brodev

This has been a good week for me. First I get a Portugese house now my daughter has given birth to my Portugese grandson last night. Mother and son are both well. I am a happy bunny.
I know this news doesn't really fit in on this forum but I am telling everybody

lewt

nice one bro, the joys of recovery hey?


danmar, habbi knows the crack... she'll be along soon......

beer2006

Hi danmar

Firstly, you are not rambling on, you have given a clear and concise version of the events from your side.
Secondly, you are no different from alot of people that have posted on here. I am the same, just I am on the other side of the fence.

Lewt and habibi, if you would please pm me the full details of AA and Al Anon, I will post them at the front of the thread and then we can refer new posters to that, rather than constant reposting of the details.

OK danmar.... You need to talk to him when he is totally sober, not when he has had, or is wanting a drink, otherwise you will not get a clear and honest answer from him. Even then you might not get one.
Tough love..... maybe, what is more important to you, your kids well being, or your relationship with your oh?
Only you can answer that.

Ask him to go a day without a drink. A workday would be best. Is he going into work drunk or driving while under? He will lose his job, no ifs, no buts, he will lose it. Can he go into work smelling of alcohol? No.... but he is... he is, he must be, it must have been noticed. He will know this of course, he might ignore it, but he will know it.

He might forget, but he knows it is building up, he should know you won't forgive him forever. He hopes you will of course, just as he hopes he can stop, just like that. But he can't and won't.

Its not you are not enough for him, its that drink is another partner in the relationship and it depends who is stronger, you and the kids, or the drink.
I understand about the shyness and AA and the doctors, I am the same. It doesn't matter who says " he must go to AA or fail", if he doesn't want to go, or can't go, he won't, he will die first.

You are not being selfish, you are being supportive, but there are other ways of being supportive and loving, rather than the road you find yourself on.
You need to start to help him to stop, it will be very hard, you will have to love him immensely and he will probably hate you for it, he will fail and fall, you will have to be hard and soft to cope and to give him what he wants and needs.

As always, my opinions only, take and discard etc

jayne.doe

suffolkb wrote: »

My daughter, just 16, is going to a 16th birthday party at the village hall. She and her friends are aware that there will be no alcohol there, so they intend to `have a few` before they get there. I didn`t even drink at their age. Made up for it later, unfortunately. I hope this disease is not genetic for her sake(and the other 2 daughters).

Suffolk my grandfather was an alcoholic, my father is not. I drink too much but i still maintain i am not an alcoholic i use drink as a crutch, i always have. There are are as many scientists who believe that there is a genetic
component as scientists that dont believe there is. There is no answer to that question yet, it remains to be proved. I would be interested to see when that answer is found.

jayne.doe

tbh Brodev you seem to be talking about the whole world there and scentists recognise that evironmental impact on behaviour is more significent in some cases than the genetic. Plus which i am a jew so i think i could be classified as having a problem.......:)

danmar_2

Thankyou brodev and beer2006.
alot of what you have said does make sense and hopefully we will have 'the chat' soon I have asked him to come home straight from work on Thursday, we shall see. He doesnt drive but yes I am sure there have been many times he goes to work if not still drunk then defently over the limit. I know there is not going to be a 'quick fix' but hopefully it is something we can overcome he is 42 I am 31 so hopefully we will be able to get through this and have many happy years left. Good luck to everyone on here going through the same.
Thankyou again.:A

brodev

jayne.doe wrote: »

tbh Brodev you seem to be talking about the whole world there and scentists recognise that evironmental impact on behaviour is more significent in some cases than the genetic. Plus which i am a jew so i think i could be classified as having a problem.......:)

Anything I say on this forum is only my opinion and/or my observations. I do not maintain that they are correct. That is why I rarely give advice. I wish to offend no one. I have , however, been attending AA meetings for over 40 years and in that time I have picked up some anectotal experience. There have been many arguments over the years as to nature or nurture with regards to many situations. At the end of the day I tend not to care what the cause is. All that really concerns me is that I am not in the problem. I have found that, for me, the greatest aid to staying sober is to share my experience, good and bad, with others. I am selfish in this and I'll continue to be so. I wish you good fortune on your journey

jayne.doe

Hi brodev you misunderstand me like yourself i only make observations and was not offended at all. Its just my husband is a geneticist and my daughter is at universtity studying genetics/biology hence the interest in that side. Environmental or genetics, i find it interesting...............Congratulations on your wonderful news, thats lovely a grandson:)

Al_Mac

damnar

Other side of the fence, very much like your oh, and age! He needs to make a decision himself. You can only guide him in the right direction.

Telling him he has a problem will make him defensive. But he needs to be told.

You can threaten to leave him, you can also point out that people will miss him when he's dead!

He probably needs to talk to someone, I did, face to face for me was not a chance. The original of this thread did help me. Also work has a confidential help line, that sent me to a counsellor in confidence. Lied to him to start with as well.

Basically communication is the way forward, emotions will come out, don't worry about yours and encourage his. Find out what he's frightened of and talk it through.

Good luck.

Al Mac (sober a year )