What is fair?

madnessandmayhem

Hi, I don't have experience of this personally, but my sil and her oh have just got divored, and have 2 children, 15 and 13. hubby moved out and sil stayed in the house. He will have a very good pension from work when he retires which she could have gone for a share of that as they were married for 20 years, but instead she has the house and mortgage in her name, and has to pay him £10k, but she has until both the children have left full time education (unless she sells the house or re-marries i believe) to pay this to him, and she will get nothing of his pension. I'm not sure what the norm is in situations like this, but my understanding is that the welfare of the children is the main priority, but obviously a solicitor would be able to advise better.

Pee

Madnessandmayhem - that is a good point. Both the pension and the house need to be shared, so if they are both of similiar value there could be an agreement as to one has one and the other has the other.

You do really need to speak to a solicitor and find out what is likely to happen in your circumstances. You can then speak to mortgage brokers to see what options are available for buying him out.

Mutter_2

newcook wrote: »

Wow!! That sounds very bitter!! Maybe he left so the kids didn’t see him and buckliz arguing? Just because its usually the fathers who leave the home doesn’t meant that it is always their fault. For all we know buckliz was the one who told him to leave and he had no choice!!!

Would you rather parents stayed together and lived under the same roof for the sake of the children???? Its not a nice atmosphere at all for the kids - my parents tried that for about a year and it sucked. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Its terrible (especially as a 6 year old) to watch the two most important people in your life speak to each other with such venom in their voices and hearing them arguing late at night when they think you are asleep and they are only doing it 'because of the kids' - the kids end up thinking that its their fault its happening.

HaHay, have laptop back for a short while.
Yes newcook, it does read like that. I do believe though, that we all need to take more responsibility for our children, whether the guilty party or not it's only right that the absent parent shouldn't give the children more stress in causing them to leave their home.

I think my suggestion that he either remortgages or gets an unsecured loan is viable without uprooting the children. Haven't they suffered enough?

Some put their partner first. I've always put our child before us, me included, and I will say that although my OH has been a rubbish Husband, he has been a good Dad. Now she's adult he is divorcing me. I don't regret putting her first and I'm stilll doing so as I won't tell her until after her final exams are over, a week away.

I do hope the OP get's advice and is not bullied into selling up for the husband's sake. Children come first, in my opinion.

Mutter_2

Atomised wrote: »

I'm not sure if staying together for the sake of the children is always the right thing to do as children can pick up on depressed/miserable parents.

People always dump each other in the end anyway , especially men.

Most kids, given the choice would prefer their parents be together.
Yeah Atomised, dump at the end, when the children have left home. Yes I know, children are still traumitized but less so.

Anyone noticed that women leave as they can't stand anymore. Men leave for another woman?

If anyone can please give an example of their husband leaving to live alone, without another woman in sight, I would be trully grateful.

BTW, I didn't swear in my earlier post, the censor was over sensitive.
x

zzzLazyDaisy

OP you need to see a solicitor who specialises in divorce law. The courts have wide powers where the house is concerned, and will certainly take into account the fact that this is the family home and you are living in it with the children.

Whether or when you have to sell will depend on lots of things, including his pension as others have mentioned, and also his earning power, and the arrangements for maintenance. But every case is decided on its own facts, so you need to get legal advice about your own situation.

Depending on your income you may be entitled to legal aid, because your home is being put in dispute. Even if you just decide to get advice and take it yourself from there, you do need to know what your rights are.

newcook

While I agree that is usually the case that men leave for another woman, I know at least 2 men who have had to leave the family home because the wife/girlfriend was having an affair and wouldn’t stop seeing the other man.

One of them pretty much lost everything - he owned the house before he met her, she got pregnant after about 4 months together and moved in - he even did all the necessary paperwork and put his house into both names. when their daughter was 2 the girlfriend started seeing the guy she was with before my friend and despite many requests wouldn’t stop seeing him and told him he had a choice to either move out or she would leave and take their daughter and he would never see her again.

The courts awarded the house to his ex (so as not to disrupt the child) and soon after she moved in the guy she was seeing - my friend hardly ever gets to see his daughter and has even heard her call the other bloke 'daddy'. He couldn’t even have her overnight because he had to move back to his parents for 8 months so he could save a deposit to get another place and she wouldn’t let daughter stay at grandparents!!

He is now fighting a losing battle to get more access - so much time has gone that he hasn’t been allowed to see daughter (because of ex) that it would probably be considered disruptful for him to be part of her life again.

MrsTinks

Mutter wrote: »

Anyone noticed that women leave as they can't stand anymore. Men leave for another woman?

If anyone can please give an example of their husband leaving to live alone, without another woman in sight, I would be trully grateful.

What tosh!
A very good friend of mine did exactly that! His ex is a manipulative evil *insert explitive of choice* and he left because she insisted on screaming at hin in front of the kids. Walked away with nothing, no clothes, no house, no TV, no nothing. He gave her the house - not "pay 50% when the house is sold after kids leave home" - GAVE it to her voluntarily in divorce agreement. Gave her the car he'd bought for himself (for work btw) so she'd have a good car to transport his kids round in and a handsome monthly payment. She had a 5 bed very expensive house (that he STILL paid the motgage for although he wasn't on the mortgage agreement etc) and he ended up in tiny flat till he could afford a tiny 3 bed house in a undesirable area so the kids could have each their own room to sleep in when visiting... and she STILL fought him for access and trying to get his pension... the judge told her to "not be such a greedy woman, it's not becoming my dear..."
And in the 8 years I've known him through work he's not dated anyone else because he didn't want his kids getting upset if his ex found out and kicked off again...

Men aren't always the baddies...

celyn90

Atomised wrote: »

I'm not sure if staying together for the sake of the children is always the right thing to do as children can pick up on depressed/miserable parents.

I agree. In fact I think it is entirely the wrong thing. My partner grew up in an environment where his father had an open affair in from of the family but stayed - his considers his father should have left as it would have been better for everyone. He really dislikes his father now and thinks his mother is weak.

I would say it takes a far stronger person to leave than to stay and subject the kids to misery for the sake of a nice house. A family isn't just about having two people present with roses round the door for teh sake of show and financial security. IMO that's a far less healthy environment to bring kids up in as they do pick up on these things and it can cause far deeper scars than going without the material things.