Big family - presents help

bestpud

familyfortune wrote: »

One brother initiated the £10 thing and I pushed the others to accept. I think it was mostly observed by 5 of them and us with the one sister opting out. There might have benn a bit of blurring on the edges but I did that too if I saw exactly the right present for £12.50 or something. And I probably did go a bit over for the kids but then to me that's the point of christmas and I would be happy to keep buying for them till they get to teenage years. Although not much over, maybe a couple of quid.

Seems you are not the only family struggling with this then? I see no reason for you or anyone else to buckle this year just because two people didn't stick to it - that was their choice at the end of the day.

And, what if by some fluke, they do spend £10 this year and you spend loads?

I'd be asking the ones on side if they are happy with the same arrangement now, before all the Christmas shopping starts.

familyfortune wrote: »

Oh and I do all the buying, all teh wrapping. he sends cards. And I do spend a lot of the holiday buying presents or stressing about what to buy. he doesn't really participate except to say at the end is that all we have for xxx?

Well, if he says that anyway, then you may as well only spend £10 imo. Better to be hung for a sheep than a lamb!

which makes him sound like a bad guy and he isn't. We do probably have more than a lot of the rest of the family which is partly why it is so hard to stop this without looking mean. i think we might already look mean because we don't always splash the cash as it is. although he is very generous with his family but...well every family is weird i suppose.

It may be like that now, but it could change when you have children (assuming you are planning to) and you will struggle even more than you do now.

Seriously, be brave and tell them it's stopping. Not easy I know but someone has to stop the nonsense!

familyfortune

Thanks everyone it is really reassuring to hear that this is mad behaviour. I think (hope) that we'll stick with the christmas arrangement this year. I am hoping one day to work towards a secret santa arrangement between the adults (ie brothers, sisters adn BIL and SIL).

One of his sisters is going on hol tomorrow and I will try to have a stern word about not bringing us back presents. If she agrees and sticks to it maybe that is a chink in the armour. I think we are probably stuck wiht parents, uncles and aunts and I would be happy to buy stuff for the little'uns. But if we could cut out the siblings and their ohs then that would help a lot.

The biggest problem is that he picks up loads of little treats but then insists on 'proper' presents. He thinks the little things aren't enough but we can easily spend £200 on nick nacks like little bags of sweets and coffee and stuff. And then we have to buy the 'proper' presents on top. Oh and I didn't even say he thinks it's also normal to bring something back for loads of other people including people he worked with five years ago!!! Again little things but it all adds up. Plus puts pressure on them to reciprocate.

But thank you all, you've given me hope.

mrcow

familyfortune wrote: »

The biggest problem is that he picks up loads of little treats but then insists on 'proper' presents. He thinks the little things aren't enough but we can easily spend £200 on nick nacks like little bags of sweets and coffee and stuff. And then we have to buy the 'proper' presents on top. Oh and I didn't even say he thinks it's also normal to bring something back for loads of other people including people he worked with five years ago!!! Again little things but it all adds up. Plus puts pressure on them to reciprocate.

Does he not understand that no-one actually wants all that old crap?

If someone wants coffee.......then they'll go to a shop and buy one that they actually like. And you can bet your bottom dollar, it won't be Greek.

Parents also don't want you to buy their kids sweets. Ever! It rots their teeth and we wince when thinking about the E numbers. Plus we have no idea of the quality of the outlet that they were bought in or where they've been! If you came back with loads of Greek sweets for my children, I'd probably bin them. I certainly wouldn't want them to eat them!

And they certainly don't want any ornamental nic-nacs or useless costume or shell jewellery or other junk that's going to fall to bits or sit on a shelf somewhere gathering dust.

As for "proper" presents - again no one really wants you to buy stuff all the time. It's too overwhelming.

Whilst your presents are I'm sure bought with the right intentions and I'm sure people are genuinely grateful that you've gone to the trouble - seriously I would think that the majority of it probably is pretty useless.

You need to get him onto MSE - we'll show him the error of his money-draining ways!

poet123

It is ridiculous to be spending that amount of money and time whilst on holiday. I would broach the subject by saying that this year you have decided not to go away because you cant afford the "traditional" holiday gifts, and see what the reaction is. You dont have to mean it, (about not going away) but just see what they say. Most parents would be horrified if their son or daughter said that to them and it would pull them up sharp about the weight of expectation this tradition is causing.

To a lesser degree we have the hassle with birthdays at work, I wish we had never started that either, but it is hard to get off the treadmill, it seems to be someones birthday every week.

Pollycat

poet123 wrote: »

It is ridiculous to be spending that amount of money and time whilst on holiday. I would broach the subject by saying that this year you have decided not to go away because you cant afford the "traditional" holiday gifts, and see what the reaction is. You dont have to mean it, (about not going away) but just see what they say. Most parents would be horrified if their son or daughter said that to them and it would pull them up sharp about the weight of expectation this tradition is causing.

To a lesser degree we have the hassle with birthdays at work, I wish we had never started that either, but it is hard to get off the treadmill, it seems to be someones birthday every week.

That's agood point, poet123.

familyfortune, that £650 you're planning to spend on family gifts paid for a 2 week holiday in Turkey for me and OH on a B&B basis.
Maybe some people will see me as selfish but I know what I'd rather spend £650 on.

I also agree with mrcow about spending money on stuff that may just be stuffed in a drawer or taken to the nearest charity shop.

Jei70

mrcow wrote: »

Does he not understand that no-one actually wants all that old crap?

If someone wants coffee.......then they'll go to a shop and buy one that they actually like. And you can bet your bottom dollar, it won't be Greek.

Parents also don't want you to buy their kids sweets. Ever! It rots their teeth and we wince when thinking about the E numbers. Plus we have no idea of the quality of the outlet that they were bought in or where they've been! If you came back with loads of Greek sweets for my children, I'd probably bin them. I certainly wouldn't want them to eat them!
<snip>

LOL! You seem not to be Greek, then!:rotfl:

To the OP, it's hard to fight the family about the holiday gifts when your BF willingly participates in the custom. How about giving him a set amount (but less than £500! OMG!) to shop for gifts while you're enjoying the beach? Alternatively, just make sure to arrive at the airport a bit earlier on your way back, and hit the Duty Free shops! There's plenty of local food, drink and souvenirs to be had, and if you buy everything at once you're more likely to stick to a budget.

Regarding Christmas, just keep to the £10 limit (within reason, as you mentioned going over occasionally - it also means you're allowed to go under as long as the gift is nice!). Never mind the occasional sister losing the plot Maybe, in the future, you might even achieve the Secret Santa with the adults.

Some cultures do make a big deal about family, and very generous gift giving is part and parcel of it. I don't think you, as an 'in law', should try to change the principle, just reduce the level! The credit crunch chat should work... Good luck!

eamon

I've been to a couple of Greek (Cypriot) clubs in London and they are generous people to a fault and know how to have good time. Family and a sense of family is a very important part of their culture. Hence a lot of money is spent. I fear that you may have a losing battle on your hands!

familyfortune

He doesn't exactly care whether anyone wants the old crap or not, just that it's important to be seen to buy it that's one of the things that frustrates me.

BF would not function with a budget, being of greek extraction telling him what to do doesn't work, he does the exact opposite. Maybe I need to say that I think we should spend £1k this year and see if that might make him more frugal :rolleyes:

I have thought about the 'we can't afford it' thing but in his family they would go without themselves to be able to spend money on presents and they know that we have a comfortable lifestyle. And BF would be horrified. His family don't talk about money until someone is giong nearly bankrupt and then there is a discreet whip-round. The person nearly going bankrupt might well have spent £30 on a present for you the previous week :rolleyes:. The only way I have been able to talk to him about it is that by keeping up this tradition we are putting pressure on the other brothers and sisters who are a lot less well off to do the same thing. But as one of the oldest he feels he still has to be generous to them. We also pay for other stuff for them but I don't care about that, because I can see it's useful to them and they need it. It's the waste and the bloody shopping I hate.

I really think it's his mum I need to tackle but I have no idea how to go about itv:eek: At the minute I am trying to talk to the more sensible of the brothers and sisters to see if they can persuade her but I need to be very careful not to look like I just don't want to shop myself even though that is also true. But I think it would take a united front and we are a good bit away from that. the problem is that even though they don't have much money it is sort of a hobby for her. And she is someone who expresses her love for her kids through actions rather than words (which is also a very nice thing about her). She's a lovely person and I would really hate to offend her so it's all a bit tricky. Anyone handled lovely, but possibly easy to offend, almost-MILs??

poet123

Given what you have now posted, I think you may well be stuck with the problem if you dont want to offend.

So, you need to minimise the time, effort and cost involved. Do the presents have to come from abroad, could you not shop online before you go and "pretend" that you picked them up in Greece? there must be online greek emporiums that would fill the bill, or failing that set aside a morning to get all that are needed, within a certain budget.

Failing that, .......I think you will have to bite the bullet, if you cant pretend you cannot afford it.

babyhead

My OH's grandfather has just got back from holiday and OH was given a bag of goodies for us all. Only small things but he has done it for the whole family so would all add to a lot of £ considering he has 6 children who then have at least 2 children each with partners and then children of their own! It is such a waste of his money and surely his time on holiday.

Whilst I appreciate the sentiment and I *do* like the trinket box I just think it is a bit unnecessary. My family have never done anything of the sort.

When we last went on holiday - OH wanted to return the favour but I put my foot down and said NO NO NO! We buy for the children and those who have looked after our house or similar whilst we are away. No one else as it is too much stress and £! Although I would buy something if I saw something specific that someone might like but I would save it for a birthday or xmas.

Christmas is much the same with OH's family. Crazy stupid money. Thank god I found MSE :j