Big family - presents help

familyfortune

Posting as an AE in case anyone knows me. You'll see why.

My boyfriend's family are generous. Really generous. They are a big Greek family (3rd generation in england) and when anyone goes on holiday they traditionally bring back gifts for the whole family. Trouble is it's a big family - 2 parents, 7 brothers and sisters, 4 brother and sister in laws, three nephews. Plus a smattering of uncles and aunts. Mum is a veteran shopper and also incredibly generous by nature but mum and dad aren't especially well off.

We also go to Greece on holiday and will be going again in October and the state of the euro means it's crunch time for me. our hol gifts spend this year will prob be more like £650 (was about £500 last time) and we don't really have it. I have been fed up about this for a long time though, the bother of shopping for presents when your on holiday is a real pain in the neck. I know some of the younger kids don't go on holiday because they can't afford the presents. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about it but he thinks just because it's always been done that way then it always should be done that way. And he doesn't want any hassle.

It's not just that as well, at Christmas his parents will spend £100+ per child, £50+ per daughter/son in law plus probably the same again on grandchildren. Boyfriend wouldn't spend less than £30 on a present for someone. Last year we tried a cap of £10 per present but parents ignored it as did one sister (her reasoning being she could spend £10 per person in her family since she has a husband and two kids thus £40).

Of course you can repeat it all a third time for birthdays. you get the picture. to say nothing of anniversaries, babies and so on

Am I being mean wanting to curb this? It isn't just for us, although I would love it. I also think it would take a lot of pressure off everyone, we're all feeling the pinch a bit. Has anyone managed to sort this kind of thing out? I'm worried that his Mum will feel affronted. She loves to shop, it is a hobby for her and so she really likes to do it when she holidays (although Dad really doesn't enjoy it at all as far as I can see). Or as a possible DIL should I just keep my nose out?

(also I know that I should make the BF do the shopping but when I try he goes out and grabs awful things that cost an absolute fortune and weigh a ton, so I end up paying excess bagage too)

Would love to hear what you think. Is there any way out?

nickyhutch

Say you put all the presents in one case and it went astray :-)

mrcow

Sorry - but I think you're all crazy!

I'd be stressed up to the nines if I had to shop like that when I went on holiday! I don't buy presents for anyone in particular, unless I see something that someone would like.

At most, I'd be buying really small token presents for the children.

As for Christmas - again - are you all completely fruitloops? £10 per head is good (although cheaper is better) - stick to your £10 guns - they'll soon get their heads round it.

Stephb1986_2

No your totally right, My OH has 2 nieces and 1 nephew from 1 sister. Every time its one of their birthdays they always pick a present for £30 or more, For his birthday off his sister he gets £10 in a card and gets nothing for christmas off her when he's spending yet another £30 on each kid. We don't have any kids I don't see this as being fair. Am I in the wrong about it?

I don't think that when or if I have kids I could let them choose a present that is £30 or more for his sister to buy.

Steph xx

floss2

Stephb1986 wrote: »

No your totally right, My OH has 2 nieces and 1 nephew from 1 sister. Every time its one of their birthdays they always pick a present for £30 or more, For his birthday off his sister he gets £10 in a card and gets nothing for christmas off her when he's spending yet another £30 on each kid. We don't have any kids I don't see this as being fair. Am I in the wrong about it?

I don't think that when or if I have kids I could let them choose a present that is £30 or more for his sister to buy.

Steph xx

It would be £10 in a card for each niece & nephew - my kids were grateful for any gift they were given and never cheeky enough to make suggestions unless it was to decide between either HMV, Borders or Waterstones token!

Start now & then by the time you have kids, a pattern will be set - if they don't like it, be honest & say that it is too costly for you to keep that up.

DKLS

Prsents from holiday! I thought that fad went out in the mid 70s, I only ever buy "presents" for me or the house whilst on holiday, I dont even send postcards to anyone.
A holiday is my time, not to be wasted trailing round the shops looking for gifts.

There is one exception, My mum always asks for a pebble from wherever I am going, that she adds to her collection in the garden. That I can oblige.

mrcow

Stephb1986 wrote: »

No your totally right, My OH has 2 nieces and 1 nephew from 1 sister. Every time its one of their birthdays they always pick a present for £30 or more, For his birthday off his sister he gets £10 in a card and gets nothing for christmas off her when he's spending yet another £30 on each kid. We don't have any kids I don't see this as being fair. Am I in the wrong about it?

I don't think that when or if I have kids I could let them choose a present that is £30 or more for his sister to buy.

Steph xx

WHat are you talking about? "Chosing" a present? Is this for real? There is 100% no way on Earth I would put up with anyone chosing a present for me to buy.

If fact, I'd make a point of buying something completely different for well less than £10 per head.

Next time she tells you what to buy, tell her that you've already got the gifts, so she'll have to buy the other stuff herself.

bestpud

Who initiated the £10 limit? And how many stuck to it; was it all but the parents and one sister?

How do the nieces and nephews decide what present they will have? Do you or your OH ask them?

How involved is your OH in the shopping and wrapping etc?

Personally, I'd go with a £10 limit for birthdays and Christmas and see how it pans out. Would your OH know and intervene or just let you get on with it?

As for the holiday presents! :eek: The only answer to that one is to join forces and say STOP!

JOANNESAPHINE

It would make me ill with worry spending that on presents too. If you can't afford it can you not tell them? Do you spend the whole holiday looking for and buying presents? Steph I have 2 nephews and one niece on husband's side and I send them £15 each in a card. I have one daughter and she gets £15 spent on her with the same at Christmas if she's lucky.

Pee

I have friends who always like to get presents when they are on holiday, even a weekend away hen night. I do wonder if their boyfriend really wants another key chain...

I think it's a bit different because you are going to Greece. If they are a Greek family you may be able to bring things back from Greece that just aren't available here. I suggest you speak to your boyfriend and either he finds the money for the presents, in which case I don't see how you can argue and yes, you better had help him choose them so that they can be transported back, or he tells his family there will be no presents, but does Mum have a shopping list of Greek foods etc that you both can get for her whilst you are over there.

You can then face Christmas in the same way. Last Christmas several friends said they wouldn't be giving presents. I think presents are seriously overrated, people rarely give things you really want unless they know you very well.

Pollycat

I think it's a crazy idea to spend time (and money you say you're struggling to afford) on holiday looking for gifts to bring back home.

Regardless of what you eventually decide to do about Christmas & birthdays (and I also think the spends you're talking about there is crazy too), I would have a talk to your boyfriend and convince him that this practice should stop NOW.
Am I reading your post right about spending £650 ON GIFTS FOR OTHER PEOPLE?

We're in a credit crunch, for heaven's sake! What better reason is there than that?

Just because 'it's always been done that way' shouldn't mean it continues. We used to live in caves - should we have stayed doing that? Of course not!