Children - Very large age gap

Glen0000

This is my hubbies account. I am a lady :-)

Our daughter is coming up for 14 and we always said we would only have one. However, the past few weeks I have been feeling broody. I do not know if it is because I am over 30, but I do know I have never felt this way before.

I did have my daughter very young, so there is still time, but I am worried about the impact on family dynamics and of course there is always money as providing for two is always more expensive than one.

My husband has his reservations, mainly about money as it will impact on my career long term (I would probably give up work) and on how much we can provide for our daughter. Currently she does get "spoiled" quite a bit and we do save £100 a month for her, but this would have to be cut down a lot. I also doubt we would be able to buy a house as planned any time soon. We currently rent from the council. Also we would not get much extra in the way of tax credits as hubby earns too much.

Any words of wisdom? Is this idea crazy?

MrsTinks

If you have only felt broody a few weeks I'd wait a little while before deciding And spend a lot of time talking to both your husband and daughter... If your husband has any reservations then you need to respect them - after all he needs some say in this too

ellawood

I have a 17 year gap it can be hard in some ways money is the main one I gave up my job and our income did drop a bit and its dd1 who cost by far the most but a little one of course is not working out that her Xmas presents were about half the price both had nice things but dd1 cost more :rolleyes:
But It is like having 2 only children the way I have done it which can have drawbacks ( mine is feeling we have to take other people children away on hoilday with us )
I think having dd2 is the best thing I have done as we are very happy and If you can work out the best for you then go for it I go on os board alot for tips for cutting back and shop around for the best prices as much as I can but that is now I have time to but would be hard if I worked as well
good luck

Penny_Watcher

There is a 12 year age gap between DD1 and DS1 and a 14 year age gap between DD1 and DD2.

DD1 absolutely dotes on the younger two and they adore her (hate each other though :rolleyes: ). DD1 had all the 'benefits' of being an only child for the first 12 years and all the 'benefits' of having had siblings since.

On it's own it's not a reason to have another child, but bear in mind that as you age all the responsibility of elderly parents will fall solely on your daughter's shoulders. My father is elderly and very needy and I'm able to share the load with brothers and sisters.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Glen0000

ellawood wrote: »

I have a 17 year gap it can be hard in some ways money is the main one I gave up my job and our income did drop a bit and its dd1 who cost by far the most but a little one of course is not working out that her Xmas presents were about half the price both had nice things but dd1 cost more :rolleyes:
But It is like having 2 only children the way I have done it which can have drawbacks ( mine is feeling we have to take other people children away on hoilday with us )
I think having dd2 is the best thing I have done as we are very happy and If you can work out the best for you then go for it I go on os board alot for tips for cutting back and shop around for the best prices as much as I can but that is now I have time to but would be hard if I worked as well
good luck

How did your DD react if you don't mind me asking and do you mind being an older mum? I always liked being a young mum and am worried that when a second gets to be a teen I will be out of touch. At least DD and I like the same music now etc....

Glen0000

MrsTine wrote: »

If you have only felt broody a few weeks I'd wait a little while before deciding And spend a lot of time talking to both your husband and daughter... If your husband has any reservations then you need to respect them - after all he needs some say in this too

Should I really mention this to our daughter??? I realise this will impact on her life, but I don't think it is her decision to make. She will be horrified at the thought of a baby in the house (as would most teens!) and has never expressed a desire for a sibling.

MrsTinks

She might surprise you But personally I would have thought it's only fair to at least warn her that you want to have another child... She'll be 15 by the time it arrives more than likely and I think bringing her into the conversation early might make the reaction to a baby a lot less than if it was presented as fait accompli later down the line... Of course that's just me and how I would have probably reacted... if I'd found out my mum had planned another child at that stage and not told me I'd have been extreemly upset. I agree she doesn't have a say in whether you go ahead or not but I think you should at least bring her into discussions about it... I know that if it was me and I wasn't, then more than likely I'd have left home... At that stage I considered myself an adult and things that would have had that big an influence on my life I would have expected to at least be kept "in the loop" on...

Glen0000

MrsTine wrote: »

She might surprise you But personally I would have thought it's only fair to at least warn her that you want to have another child... She'll be 15 by the time it arrives more than likely and I think bringing her into the conversation early might make the reaction to a baby a lot less than if it was presented as fait accompli later down the line... Of course that's just me and how I would have probably reacted... if I'd found out my mum had planned another child at that stage and not told me I'd have been extreemly upset. I agree she doesn't have a say in whether you go ahead or not but I think you should at least bring her into discussions about it... I know that if it was me and I wasn't, then more than likely I'd have left home... At that stage I considered myself an adult and things that would have had that big an influence on my life I would have expected to at least be kept "in the loop" on...

I appreciate your input but we have not even decided if we are going ahead yet. Also there is a possibility (and am not that young anymore) that I may not even get pregnant. Also this is a private matter and I do not want other family members e.g. my parents, to be involved at this stage, which is likely to happen if we involve DD.

Why rock the boat if this may not even happen? I was never consulted at all when my parents were TTC. It would have not occurred at all to them to discuss it with me as it has not occurred to me to discuss this with DD. We do plan on telling her before everyone else, but at 12 weeks when we know for sure we have a healthy pregnancy. I would not want her to know for example if I miscarried or need a termination due to health problems.

flea72

MrsTine wrote: »

But personally I would have thought it's only fair to at least warn her that you want to have another child...

no child wants their parents telling them, that they are having sex. Its horrific enough to most teens that their parents might be having sex

having 14yrs between me and my sister i can only say how it was for me. Being brutally honest, as a teenager i hated having a much younger sibling. i was expected to help out, changing nappies, keeping an eye on them and babysitting. Id left home by the time she was school age, so then didnt see much of her (other than occasional baby sitting), as i had my own life/family to get on with. Its only now, that she is in her 20s and settling down, that we have anything in common. we do alot more together now, but there is still that whole generation gap

Now for my children. i have 3 girls, 15, 8 and 2. So even though i hated the age gap between me and my sister, i have now inflicted the same thing on my eldest daughter. However, she enjoys having a younger sister, and is even asking me when were having another one! She likes spending time playing with her, even changes nappies without being asked, and in general there havent been any great conflicts

So to summise from that, i would say until youre living it, you cant tell how it will work out. You either have to bite the bullet and deal with all the muck hitting the fan, or just resign yourself to the fact you wont be having any more children. I think the reason i have such big age gaps is because i try and talk myself out of having another child for so long (practical head), and then one day just realise what the heck am i putting it off for (emotional head)

Sorry i couldnt be any more help

Flea

cte1111

I don't think you should ask your daughter's permission / discuss it with her beforehand, you and your OH are the parents and it is up to you both to make all major decisions.

My husband has a much younger sibling and they always got on really well. As long as your children are loved and wanted then that's the main bases covered.

mountainofdebt

For what's its worth I don't think I would mention it to my son (16) if I got broody.......him thinking about his parents having sex would proabably scar him for life,lol!

To be honest, I'm wondering if the OP's feeling of broodiness is more due to the fact that her daughter is gaining independence and in a few short years will be perhaps leaving home to go to Uni and it is more of a case of empty nest syndrome than being broody.