Help me - financial infidelity!- drinking bottle of wine and on the verge of divorce!

gingergirl21

nicola.williams wrote: »

Why don't you draw a line under the past and sit down 'together' get everything on paper and then plan your way out of this. Get a joint account that both your slararies go into but you control and you pay all of the bills and keep check of everything until you get back on track. If hubby then goes outside your joint agreement then you may have your answer. Sounds harsh but you have given him a number of chances to resolve this on his own and his actions will affect you if other agencies become involved or you share a property etc.

Already do this. Joint account is where all our bills money goes and all cards are paid out from this so I can see that he is indeed paying them off each month. It is when he has told me tha balances that he has lied.

Asked to see his personal bank account this morning and he has also lied about not being overdrawn AND that his credit card with the bank has not been paid off - there is still £400 on it!!

What the hell do I do. I actually nearly passed out when I found that out this morning and kind of crumpled on the floor in a melodramatic way but my legs just buckled. I just cannot take any more.

the_cat

Gingergirl21

I'm so sorry. That must be awful to find out on top of yesterdays stuff.

I would be worried that further down the line he will apply for more loans/cards/accounts when things get tough as he seems incapable of owning up to the mess he has made fully - you are only finding out each little bit by dragging the info from him. He had every opportunity when you sat down and went over everything yesterday to come clean but chose not to.

I know that at the moment you are happy his Experian report is showing nothing else, but you can't spend the rest of your life looking over his shoulder.

Only you can decide what to do though but I honestly don't think he can have learnt his lesson if he is STILL lying. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Cat

Fire_Fox

gingergirl21 wrote: »

Already do this. Joint account is where all our bills money goes and all cards are paid out from this so I can see that he is indeed paying them off each month. It is when he has told me tha balances that he has lied.

Asked to see his personal bank account this morning and he has also lied about not being overdrawn AND that his credit card with the bank has not been paid off - there is still £400 on it!!

What the hell do I do. I actually nearly passed out when I found that out this morning and kind of crumpled on the floor in a melodramatic way but my legs just buckled. I just cannot take any more.

Sorry to hear this (((((hugs)))))

Seriously, try counselling or write a letter to each other about what you want from each other and from life. You need to be in this together instead of you having to constantly check up on him. He has no control and is behaving like a child: this isn't a healthy situation for either of you.

Raini

Hi Gingergirl21, I really feel for you in this situation. I have been in something similar. If I'm understanding correctly:

Your OH spent way to much trying to make you and himself happy. He kept the fact he couldn't afford it to himself. (To me a lie of omission is still a lie.) Then you find out - he doesn't tell you. He promises to change. You both work hard to pay this debt off but he starts to spend too much money again & lies and hides it from you. You love him but do you love him enough?

I hope I have this all right. Only you can know if you can accept this or not.

For me my ex OH lied about loads of things & finding out he was £80k in debt was just the last straw. Do you really want a man that doesn't respect you enough to stop his damaging behaviour? Sorry if that sounds hard, but you're thinking about giving up your inheritance from your beloved father because of his actions and you think that might shock him into changing?? In my experience someone with this type of problem has to reach their own rock bottom before they will change. If you help him out, he won't have reached the bottom.

Leaving my ex was really hard because he wasn't a bad person but it was the best thing I ever did. Now I'm with someone else that makes me a million times happier.

Good Luck with whatever you decide xx

louise3965

Sounds like he is scared to death of you and you are scared of giving him more rope. Really sorry that you are struggling with all this, but your relationship sounds like a parent/toddler one rather than a meeting of equal minds. And that's a biggie in a marriage.

Doesn't really sound to me like its truly about the money, sorry x

euronorris

I also don not think you should use the inheritence to clear some of the debt. Whilst it is a lovely gesture, and I can understand why you want to do it, I also know that it won't shock him into changing.

In fact, it will more than likely have a negative effect as you will have reinforced the idea that, no matter how bad it is, or how upset you get, you will still always sort it out for him.

It's about time he starts taking some responsibility for his own actions.

I also think that you need to have a very, very honest chat about everything without getting angry at each other. Agree to open up to each other without passing judgement. It's really hard to do, but, if you can, it may be the best thing for you.

Once everything is out in the open, no matter how bad it is, you can sit down and work out how you will tackle this together, ie, he needs to take more responsibility in the finances. Scary as that is, without it, he simply won't change. Why would he? You're always there to cushion his fall.

I know that sounds harsh, and I'm sorry, but sometimes people don't mean to hurt others, they just do stuff cos they know they can get away with it in the end.

Perhaps, after all that, you can agree to have a monthly, open and honest chat where he can admit to anything that he hasn't done and you can ask him why, and discuss the consequences etc etc.

Then again, as others have suggested, perhaps counselling would be a really good idea for you two.

Either way, good luck. I know i't must be very hard for you right now and you are feeling unsupported. But that's what we're here for. To listen and offer support and advice etc

elantan

can i ask what is so wrong with you that you deserve to be treated this way?



cause if you accept it then your just setting yourself up for more of the same