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Help me - financial infidelity!- drinking bottle of wine and on the verge of divorce!
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gingergirl21
Posts: 89 Forumite
Hi there - bear with me - you need the history! If you don't want to read history scroll down to * as I do need advice and don't want the fact this is long to put people off.
Once upon a time, just a little over three years ago a happy couple were planning their fairytale wedding when the lovely bride to be came home early and opened a letter by mistake intended for her adored fiance. Imagine her surprise when it was a credit card statement to just over £5000.
Yes, that was me. And unfortunately it was just the tip of the iceburg! On that fateful night 5 months before our wedding I discovered that in the six years we had been together, a simple personal loan that new boyfriend had not wanted to disclose should it dis-impress me(!), had snowballed into over £40,000 of debt! I discovered that night he had paid for our lifestyle on pure credit. When I said "let's buy a house" he said "yes darling". When I said "let's go on holiday" he said "of course". Unfortunately this meant the small lie turned into a huge amount of debt. Not only did we get an equity release loan of over £40,000 (in the days where banks threw money at you if you owned a house) but he had about £40,000 in loans and credit cards too plus a large mortgage! He was using the credit cards to pay each other off each month and accruing more and more interest! Than god I opened that statement as I think another year and we'd have gone bankrupt.
I spent two night crying to my Mum and lovely Dad who passed away in October last year. They told me that marraige was all about challenges, and that they had been through tough times but had got through them. They convinced me that on H2B's salary, if we downsized then they would help us if needed, and we could get through it.
So....we put an action plan together, got married, and moved from our lovely 3 bedroom semi on the "posh" side of town to a large terrace in much need of TLC on the "not so posh" side. Hubby changed a few things as did I. We paid off the equity release and Hubby managed to transfer all cards to 0% and to pay off a total of £1282 per month on just under £40,000 of debt. He promised that it had been a huge mistake, he had been scared to lose me and he would put things right. I told him I would support him and we would be debt free in 3 years.
In November 2007, I was at home ill and got a strange phone call from a company who were very cagey. I googled them and they were a debt collection agency. Got to the bottom of it eventually and another card had found its way to Hubby. He had known about it but hadn't told me. I told him I needed complete honesty, Didn't speak to him for two days, but realised it was a blip and got back to normal. I told him I had been so very hurt by this before I could not deal with it again. He promised to be honest. Another row ensued when I discovered in Jan 08 that he had bought a load of stuff on ebay he couldn't afford. He told me he felt restricted, we got through it.
I lost my Dad in October and took my eye off the ball.
* if you have skipped the history all you need to know is by now I am working hard with hubby to shift credit cards debts using 0% deals.
In February I opened a statement only to find that Hubby had not paid attention to the 0% balance transfer expiry. He was defensive and again a row ensued. I told him in this row that he was entitled to make mistakes, but he needed to show me he was serious about dealing eith the issue and paying off his debts. I emailed him asking for an exact breakdown of all his balances and when they were due to expire on 0%. I forwarded him Tart Alert. I asked him to diarise all the expiries.
In June another statement showed he had completely ignored the 0% expiries. This time I did not rant, I just told him to see what deals were out there - he did. He could only get so much credit - there are not loads out there and most of them seem to be owned by MBNA.
Of particular concern was an Egg balance of £900 in Feb. He told me back then it expired in June. Last month I told him to check Egg and he said he'd made a mistake - it was July.
Due to the amount on this card and the fact he has now exhausted his 0% options, I offered to look at card for me. I have managed to get £9000 worth of credit. I therefore emailed him today - "hi darling. Please let me have a breakdown of what is left to tranfer". Got a message back telling me the only card left to transfer now id his Egg card of £8016. I had left after already doing one my new Egg card with a £4000 limit, and a Play Card of £2500 so only £1500 short!
Anyway, he emailed me the latest, and I told him there was something odd as the difference between last month and this month was only £500 and he should have paid off £1000?????
He told me that £50 was interest on the Egg card? I thought his 0% expiry was still going?
So, I got in the car at 6 oclock as he picked me up from work. I told him I was confused that he'd been charge interest and he told me he had got the date wrong - it was end of June. I was rightfully cross as I ask him every month to check, and he obviously hadn't and had assumed it was July.
So we got home and I said I needed to sort out the transfer and asked him for the log in details for the Egg card. He looked sheepish and said I was going to find out that in fact the Egg card was £600 more than he'd said as the interest ran out in Feb. I was fuming but exhausted so i just told him to leave me alone and I would sort it. He knew he had done wrong by lying AGAIN and I told him that he'd broken my heart by doing so. I could undertstand a mistake, but not a lie. He said he'd only found out when I'd asked him to check and was upset as well.
So he went off to his sisters where he always goes when he has done wrong, and I went online to sort things. I went on to his Egg account and found that, in fact, it was not £600 more than he said but nearly £1800 more!!!! I felt sick.
I called him and asked him to come home. When he arrived I told him and he feigned surprise, but then admitted he'd lied. When asked why he just said he knew I had an idea of what the balance should be and didn't want me to think otherwise.
I am so frickin mad. I can't yell, scream or cry any more. I am exhausted with it all. In every other way he is such a lovely guy. We have a good relationship in every other area but this!
The bit I want advice on is this:
I am 29 and some of my friends are having babies. I am not broody but I know I want to be a Mum at some point in the next two years. And despite all the above I want him to be the father of my children. But I want to give them a good upbringing like the one I had. I don't want to struggle like some of my frineds, and when he has paid off his cards I won't have to.
Half of me wants to punish him by telling him to sort it all out himself and suffer the interest - the other half of me wants to get it paid off as quickly as possible so we can put it all behind us and have a good life together so...
Do I tell him to stuff off - a leopard never changes his spots or
Do I let him pay it off himself and learn the hard way (3 years) or
Do I use some of the money I have in savings (thanks to deceased father making a Will) to pay off 3500 of it and put the rest in my name so that we can put it all behind us and enjoy a lovely debt free life?
I work in law so am prepared to draw up a loan agreement - he wouldn't screw me and it would probably even guilt him into behaving as he loved my father so very much and I think if I used his money, Hubby would worry more about betraying him than me.
I have done a credit check with Hubby sat next to me tonight. Thankfully this is it now re the debt and he has not run up any more and has paid off the same amount each month, I am just so hurt that after everything and that last three years he lied to me again. I just don't know what to do for the best other than drink wine and write probably the longest messagethat has ever been on here.
Advice much appreciated - my head just hurts with it all (hence the wine).
Once upon a time, just a little over three years ago a happy couple were planning their fairytale wedding when the lovely bride to be came home early and opened a letter by mistake intended for her adored fiance. Imagine her surprise when it was a credit card statement to just over £5000.
Yes, that was me. And unfortunately it was just the tip of the iceburg! On that fateful night 5 months before our wedding I discovered that in the six years we had been together, a simple personal loan that new boyfriend had not wanted to disclose should it dis-impress me(!), had snowballed into over £40,000 of debt! I discovered that night he had paid for our lifestyle on pure credit. When I said "let's buy a house" he said "yes darling". When I said "let's go on holiday" he said "of course". Unfortunately this meant the small lie turned into a huge amount of debt. Not only did we get an equity release loan of over £40,000 (in the days where banks threw money at you if you owned a house) but he had about £40,000 in loans and credit cards too plus a large mortgage! He was using the credit cards to pay each other off each month and accruing more and more interest! Than god I opened that statement as I think another year and we'd have gone bankrupt.
I spent two night crying to my Mum and lovely Dad who passed away in October last year. They told me that marraige was all about challenges, and that they had been through tough times but had got through them. They convinced me that on H2B's salary, if we downsized then they would help us if needed, and we could get through it.
So....we put an action plan together, got married, and moved from our lovely 3 bedroom semi on the "posh" side of town to a large terrace in much need of TLC on the "not so posh" side. Hubby changed a few things as did I. We paid off the equity release and Hubby managed to transfer all cards to 0% and to pay off a total of £1282 per month on just under £40,000 of debt. He promised that it had been a huge mistake, he had been scared to lose me and he would put things right. I told him I would support him and we would be debt free in 3 years.
In November 2007, I was at home ill and got a strange phone call from a company who were very cagey. I googled them and they were a debt collection agency. Got to the bottom of it eventually and another card had found its way to Hubby. He had known about it but hadn't told me. I told him I needed complete honesty, Didn't speak to him for two days, but realised it was a blip and got back to normal. I told him I had been so very hurt by this before I could not deal with it again. He promised to be honest. Another row ensued when I discovered in Jan 08 that he had bought a load of stuff on ebay he couldn't afford. He told me he felt restricted, we got through it.
I lost my Dad in October and took my eye off the ball.
* if you have skipped the history all you need to know is by now I am working hard with hubby to shift credit cards debts using 0% deals.
In February I opened a statement only to find that Hubby had not paid attention to the 0% balance transfer expiry. He was defensive and again a row ensued. I told him in this row that he was entitled to make mistakes, but he needed to show me he was serious about dealing eith the issue and paying off his debts. I emailed him asking for an exact breakdown of all his balances and when they were due to expire on 0%. I forwarded him Tart Alert. I asked him to diarise all the expiries.
In June another statement showed he had completely ignored the 0% expiries. This time I did not rant, I just told him to see what deals were out there - he did. He could only get so much credit - there are not loads out there and most of them seem to be owned by MBNA.
Of particular concern was an Egg balance of £900 in Feb. He told me back then it expired in June. Last month I told him to check Egg and he said he'd made a mistake - it was July.
Due to the amount on this card and the fact he has now exhausted his 0% options, I offered to look at card for me. I have managed to get £9000 worth of credit. I therefore emailed him today - "hi darling. Please let me have a breakdown of what is left to tranfer". Got a message back telling me the only card left to transfer now id his Egg card of £8016. I had left after already doing one my new Egg card with a £4000 limit, and a Play Card of £2500 so only £1500 short!
Anyway, he emailed me the latest, and I told him there was something odd as the difference between last month and this month was only £500 and he should have paid off £1000?????
He told me that £50 was interest on the Egg card? I thought his 0% expiry was still going?
So, I got in the car at 6 oclock as he picked me up from work. I told him I was confused that he'd been charge interest and he told me he had got the date wrong - it was end of June. I was rightfully cross as I ask him every month to check, and he obviously hadn't and had assumed it was July.
So we got home and I said I needed to sort out the transfer and asked him for the log in details for the Egg card. He looked sheepish and said I was going to find out that in fact the Egg card was £600 more than he'd said as the interest ran out in Feb. I was fuming but exhausted so i just told him to leave me alone and I would sort it. He knew he had done wrong by lying AGAIN and I told him that he'd broken my heart by doing so. I could undertstand a mistake, but not a lie. He said he'd only found out when I'd asked him to check and was upset as well.
So he went off to his sisters where he always goes when he has done wrong, and I went online to sort things. I went on to his Egg account and found that, in fact, it was not £600 more than he said but nearly £1800 more!!!! I felt sick.
I called him and asked him to come home. When he arrived I told him and he feigned surprise, but then admitted he'd lied. When asked why he just said he knew I had an idea of what the balance should be and didn't want me to think otherwise.
I am so frickin mad. I can't yell, scream or cry any more. I am exhausted with it all. In every other way he is such a lovely guy. We have a good relationship in every other area but this!
The bit I want advice on is this:
I am 29 and some of my friends are having babies. I am not broody but I know I want to be a Mum at some point in the next two years. And despite all the above I want him to be the father of my children. But I want to give them a good upbringing like the one I had. I don't want to struggle like some of my frineds, and when he has paid off his cards I won't have to.
Half of me wants to punish him by telling him to sort it all out himself and suffer the interest - the other half of me wants to get it paid off as quickly as possible so we can put it all behind us and have a good life together so...
Do I tell him to stuff off - a leopard never changes his spots or
Do I let him pay it off himself and learn the hard way (3 years) or
Do I use some of the money I have in savings (thanks to deceased father making a Will) to pay off 3500 of it and put the rest in my name so that we can put it all behind us and enjoy a lovely debt free life?
I work in law so am prepared to draw up a loan agreement - he wouldn't screw me and it would probably even guilt him into behaving as he loved my father so very much and I think if I used his money, Hubby would worry more about betraying him than me.
I have done a credit check with Hubby sat next to me tonight. Thankfully this is it now re the debt and he has not run up any more and has paid off the same amount each month, I am just so hurt that after everything and that last three years he lied to me again. I just don't know what to do for the best other than drink wine and write probably the longest messagethat has ever been on here.
Advice much appreciated - my head just hurts with it all (hence the wine).
0
Comments
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Let him learn the hard way. But if he lies again then that would be it for me.
I can cope with not having much money, but I can't cope with not knowing where we stand, especially if there will be children involved,:heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.0 -
I just get the feeling that the guy yes may have lied but if your being all Hitler over the finances then I'm not surprised he is rebelling at times. I don't know how tight your budget is but if it is tight then loosen it and take a bit longer to pay it off and enjoy life a bit more.
WillSShhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh0 -
Firstly - have a hug. Sounds like you need one.
The first question I would have in your position is where has all this money gone? I may be barking completely up the wrong tree, but could gambling or suchlike be a problem? He sounds like he is lying to you and has done this on a number of occassions. Unless you address the underlying route of the problem you can never resolve this
Beyond that putting together a SOA with all your income/expenditure details will get you much help and advice from this board0 -
Before you got married, and were living life to the full, Where did you think the money was coming from if it was'nt from some sort of credit. You must have known your b/f did'nt have that sort of cash.
As you said yourself,he;s not going to change his spots. After finding out about his lies, even before you married and broken promises since, you should'nt have got yourself in this situation, he should have been history,and i think your only chance of a stressful future is to help him pack his bin bags.Liverpool is one of the wonders of Britain,
What it may grow to in time, I know not what.
Daniel Defoe: 1725.
0 -
Firstly - have a hug. Sounds like you need one.
The first question I would have in your position is where has all this money gone? I may be barking completely up the wrong tree, but could gambling or suchlike be a problem? He sounds like he is lying to you and has done this on a number of occassions. Unless you address the underlying route of the problem you can never resolve this
Beyond that putting together a SOA with all your income/expenditure details will get you much help and advice from this board
We did all this three years ago. It was mostly interest believe it or not - of course I thought the worse - gambling, sex, drugs.
I checked evey item and actually, it was just day to day living!
Spending isn't an issue now. There are no purchases on any cards. It is the fact that he did not check the expiry dates, and the fact he is paying interest and has lied to me about it that is the problem!0 -
Willsnarf1983 wrote: »I just get the feeling that the guy yes may have lied but if your being all Hitler over the finances then I'm not surprised he is rebelling at times. I don't know how tight your budget is but if it is tight then loosen it and take a bit longer to pay it off and enjoy life a bit more.
Will
This is exactly his argument - he says that if he was allowed to make mistakes he would tell me about them. Unfortumately he has never actually tested this theory and every mistake he has made has either been hidden or lied about. The day he tells me his has cocked up and admits to it is the day I'll start to trust him again.0 -
gingergirl21 wrote: »We did all this three years ago. It was mostly interest believe it or not - of course I thought the worse - gambling, sex, drugs.
I checked evey item and actually, it was just day to day living!
Spending isn't an issue now. There are no purchases on any cards. It is the fact that he did not check the expiry dates, and the fact he is paying interest and has lied to me about it that is the problem!
Am I the only one that thinks your getting overly stressed about nothing? If your not adding to the debt bar interest and your paying these off and if your Bloke hasn't actually added to the amount in the last three years I just think you may have to higher expectations that need readjusting.
BTW don't give him any of your money just in case you decide to end it, you'll need some money to fall back on
WillSShhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh0 -
He sounds very irresponsible when it comes to money. Running up the original 40k and hiding it is one thing, we all make mistakes, but then repeating that mistake AND getting someone else involved is quite another.
He has promised to mend his ways in the past but appears not to have, so why should he change in the future?
You say you want to have children with him, think how much worse your situation would be if you had debt AND children.
It sounds like you have some very hard decisions to make.
I hope all turns out for the best.0 -
Before you got married, and were living life to the full, Where did you think the money was coming from if it was'nt from some sort of credit. You must have known your b/f did'nt have that sort of cash.
As you said yourself,he;s not going to change his spots. After finding out about his lies, even before you married and broken promises since, you should'nt have got yourself in this situation, he should have been history,and i think your only chance of a stressful future is to help him pack his bin bags.
50/50 - I turned a blind eye to the fact we were seeming to afford things that now I would know were not realistic but I guess I did not want to think he was a liar either! I just don't know if he is a liar through and through, or just too proud to tell the truth about money! I can't lie about anything unless it is a white lie to save someone's feelings. No relationship is perfect - if this is the only thing wrong then it is fiaxble and I can live with it but I just hate that it makes me not trust him altogether even though he is the kind of guy who leaves his mobile at home when he walks the dog iykwim!0 -
Willsnarf1983 wrote: »Am I the only one that thinks your getting overly stressed about nothing? If your not adding to the debt bar interest and your paying these off and if your Bloke hasn't actually added to the amount in the last three years I just think you may have to higher expectations that need readjusting.
BTW don't give him any of your money just in case you decide to end it, you'll need some money to fall back on
Will
I would still have enough - I just want to get this sorted one way or the other. I think you are the only one on here thinking I'm getting stressed over nothing. It is not "nothing" but it may be that I am getting overly stressed in the circumstances which is why I need to hear from you people.0
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