Help me - financial infidelity!- drinking bottle of wine and on the verge of divorce!

TIME2GROWUP_2

Hi,

Do you love him??? If yes then you'll be able to sort it out between you, if not best cut and run now...

Sounds like he's been trying to live a normal life whilst paying off/fending off debts and trying to protect you from this, so I would take this as He loves you.

the_cat

gingergirl21 wrote: »

50/50 - II just don't know if he is a liar through and through,

but I just hate that it makes me not trust him altogether even though he is the kind of guy who leaves his mobile at home when he walks the dog iykwim!

I would say this is the major point which is in need of addressing. As you say, the money stuff is fixable so long as you are absolutely sure that he has learnt his lesson and would never do that again. Sadly it seems you are not, at least for now

how do you feel about having children with a man who you don't trust?
Maybe if he had to take ownership of the problem and pay it back and manage it all himself without any more lies or help from you it would restore your trust in him overall?

gingergirl21

andy40 wrote: »

He sounds very irresponsible when it comes to money. Running up the original 40k and hiding it is one thing, we all make mistakes, but then repeating that mistake AND getting someone else involved is quite another.
He has promised to mend his ways in the past but appears not to have, so why should he change in the future?
You say you want to have children with him, think how much worse your situation would be if you had debt AND children.
It sounds like you have some very hard decisions to make.

I hope all turns out for the best.

THANK YOU!!!!

He is so broody - I told him tonight I do not want debt and children. He told me that other people manage so why wouldn't we. I told him it a case of shouldn't not wouldn't. I am not hugely materialistic but if he had no debts we would be able to give our children everything that (I) had (he was not as privildeged). I'm not talking bording school and little designer outfits but music and drama lessons, school trips and nice holidays. I would like us to go for a meal without worrying about payin the babysitter. Is that so much to ask? If we could do all that now I would! I would like though to be able to afford that and we could if and when he is debt free. Got accused of using children as a weapon!

Willsnarf1983

TIME2GROWUP wrote: »

Hi,

Do you love him??? If yes then you'll be able to sort it out between you, if not best cut and run now...

Sounds like he's been trying to live a normal life whilst paying off/fending off debts and trying to protect you from this, so I would take this as He loves you.

I agree with the second statement!

gingergirl21

the_cat wrote: »

I would say this is the major point which is in need of addressing. As you say, the money stuff is fixable so long as you are absolutely sure that he has learnt his lesson and would never do that again. Sadly it seems you are not, at least for now

how do you feel about having children with a man who you don't trust?
Maybe if he had to take ownership of the problem and pay it back and manage it all himself without any more lies or help from you it would restore your trust in him overall?

I totally think he has learnt his lesson about "running up" debts. He has not made any more purchases on these cards or any others according to Experain. I just need him to be honest and be sure that if another card from old caught up with him he could tell me about it and not hide it!

andy40

"...I do not want debt and children. He told me that other people manage so why wouldn't we."
I think that statement says a lot. If he assumes debt is normal then he will always have it and never be debt free (for long). And he will quite possible pass that attitute on.

I have a partner whom I love very much but we have serious issues, and I dont think hoping for the best is going to solve them.

Think long and hard about your future.

NJW69

Why don't you draw a line under the past and sit down 'together' get everything on paper and then plan your way out of this. Get a joint account that both your slararies go into but you control and you pay all of the bills and keep check of everything until you get back on track. If hubby then goes outside your joint agreement then you may have your answer. Sounds harsh but you have given him a number of chances to resolve this on his own and his actions will affect you if other agencies become involved or you share a property etc.

daily_2

You're supposed to be married, which means financial partnership as well. Loan agreements to husband isn't normal married behaviour, especially if you have benefited from the spending.

If you are better at keeping control of finances, do it and stop relying on him, it is clearly not his forte.

the_cat

I admit it, I'm confused

You say on the one hand that you are worried that he is a liar 'through and through'

then say I got it all wrong and you are sure he has learnt his lesson and everything is fine

Fire_Fox

gingergirl21 wrote: »

So he went off to his sisters where he always goes when he has done wrong, and I went online to sort things. I went on to his Egg account and found that, in fact, it was not £600 more than he said but nearly £1800 more!!!! I felt sick.

I called him and asked him to come home. When he arrived I told him and he feigned surprise, but then admitted he'd lied. When asked why he just said he knew I had an idea of what the balance should be and didn't want me to think otherwise.

Half of me wants to punish him by telling him to sort it all out himself and suffer the interest - the other half of me wants to get it paid off as quickly as possible so we can put it all behind us and have a good life together so...

I have done a credit check with Hubby sat next to me tonight. Thankfully this is it now re the debt and he has not run up any more and has paid off the same amount each month, I am just so hurt that after everything and that last three years he lied to me again. I just don't know what to do for the best other than drink wine and write probably the longest messagethat has ever been on here.

Advice much appreciated - my head just hurts with it all (hence the wine).

This is going to sound like a criticism, it really isn't. In the financial arena this is a parent-child relationship not one of equals. You are calling the shots, you are keeping your eye on the ball, you are telling him what needs to be done. He is rebelling, lying and running away.

I think you should consider counselling, more as maintenance of your relationship than to fix something that probably is fine in most areas. I think you need to discuss when you both want to have children, what steps you need to take to get there, and what areas you can compromise on. You need to find a way for you to be able to trust your husband to take some of the responsibility off your shoulders.