Family Issues

dizziblonde

I'm glad it's not just me. We got engaged - both sides were delighted... was always going to be difficult arranging dates because oh's dad works away for months at a time... then his sister got engaged soon after, within about a week or so it seemed had the date set meaning that with the way his dad's shifts were working out - she'd got the only window when he was in the UK to get hitched this year - bumping us into the middle of 2010.

Of course then - none of his family seemed to even be bothered about us getting married as everything snowballed into his sister's wedding - we couldn't even get an opinion from them about where in the UK we should do it. It hurt - a lot... and the offer of waving a cheque book to salve it all occasionally - didn't cut down on the upset I feel from watching my dear oh be shoved to one side because he's so flipping placid about everything. He's a lovely guy - his family rib him (affectionately) a lot, but during the build up to his sister's wedding I really feel it went too far when she looked in utter horror at the fact the waistcoat she'd got him in was slightly too short because of his height - it's the one time I actually reacted and said that he couldn't help being tall and I loved him the way he was (and he actually looked yum in it to me ).

So with no backup from his family (who I'd always thought I was close to)... my mother got her claws into things. Getting married in Sunderland (while it's my home town it's a city I hate and have spent the best part of a decade trying to break free from and being sucked back into) for easiness for everyone else - reception in HER community building, what she's got planned for the day, colour scheme from the set of options SHE'D decided on... I'm just going along with it all as we're broke as a joke and it's the only way we're going to be able to get hitched basically - but yeah it hurt like hell watching oh's sister having a beautiful wedding with all the trimmings and we're scraping by, I've had to sell my soul pretty much to my mother for the day SHE wants, just to get married at all. On top of it all - we're going through the emotional agony of struggling to concieve.... and my layabout waste of space cousin's got herself pregnant at the drop of a hat just to be able to milk the benefit system more... my mother's loving watching me squirm with "oh you'll need to make sure you tell her the baby can't come without upsetting her" - I'd LOVE to upset her to the point she doesn't come because after her spectacular 9 attention-seeking half-hearted suicide "attempts" accompanied with dramatic "goodbye cruel world" text messages in one week - I've got naff all time for her anymore.

Invites gone out - my part in planning all of this is done. I'm feigning utter disinterest and apathy in it all (much to my mother's annoyance) because with my mother, you can't say "no I don't want that" because it'll provoke a major diplomatic incident - so the best thing to do is to pretend not to care at all... it's killing me and I'm just gritting my teeth, going through a wedding where none of my friends are there (I've got very few friends and if we'd got married near our own home they may have come), just so I can be married to my wonderful oh.

Oh did I add in the hassle over who's giving me away? We've got a family friend who's been like a father figure to me over the years, my step-father (who I don't really see as a father since he married my mum when I was an adult but get on well with) or my younger brother. I objected bitterly to my mother at the idea of anyone giving me away (would conceed my true owner the cat doing it but she wasn't having that idea!), but she's still blethering on that I have to choose someone and I don't want to upset any of 'em, and refuse to do the Mama Mia thing of having the three stooges ALL on the go.

I shouldn't be looking on my wedding as a day "to get through", I shouldn't be looking on it as a necessary evil to get to a goal of being his wife - but that's pretty much what it's turned into.

Guess you struck a chord for a lot of people huh?

neneromanova

dizziblonde wrote: »

I'm glad it's not just me. We got engaged - both sides were delighted... was always going to be difficult arranging dates because oh's dad works away for months at a time... then his sister got engaged soon after, within about a week or so it seemed had the date set meaning that with the way his dad's shifts were working out - she'd got the only window when he was in the UK to get hitched this year - bumping us into the middle of 2010.

Of course then - none of his family seemed to even be bothered about us getting married as everything snowballed into his sister's wedding - we couldn't even get an opinion from them about where in the UK we should do it. It hurt - a lot... and the offer of waving a cheque book to salve it all occasionally - didn't cut down on the upset I feel from watching my dear oh be shoved to one side because he's so flipping placid about everything. He's a lovely guy - his family rib him (affectionately) a lot, but during the build up to his sister's wedding I really feel it went too far when she looked in utter horror at the fact the waistcoat she'd got him in was slightly too short because of his height - it's the one time I actually reacted and said that he couldn't help being tall and I loved him the way he was (and he actually looked yum in it to me ).

So with no backup from his family (who I'd always thought I was close to)... my mother got her claws into things. Getting married in Sunderland (while it's my home town it's a city I hate and have spent the best part of a decade trying to break free from and being sucked back into) for easiness for everyone else - reception in HER community building, what she's got planned for the day, colour scheme from the set of options SHE'D decided on... I'm just going along with it all as we're broke as a joke and it's the only way we're going to be able to get hitched basically - but yeah it hurt like hell watching oh's sister having a beautiful wedding with all the trimmings and we're scraping by, I've had to sell my soul pretty much to my mother for the day SHE wants, just to get married at all. On top of it all - we're going through the emotional agony of struggling to concieve.... and my layabout waste of space cousin's got herself pregnant at the drop of a hat just to be able to milk the benefit system more... my mother's loving watching me squirm with "oh you'll need to make sure you tell her the baby can't come without upsetting her" - I'd LOVE to upset her to the point she doesn't come because after her spectacular 9 attention-seeking half-hearted suicide "attempts" accompanied with dramatic "goodbye cruel world" text messages in one week - I've got naff all time for her anymore.

Invites gone out - my part in planning all of this is done. I'm feigning utter disinterest and apathy in it all (much to my mother's annoyance) because with my mother, you can't say "no I don't want that" because it'll provoke a major diplomatic incident - so the best thing to do is to pretend not to care at all... it's killing me and I'm just gritting my teeth, going through a wedding where none of my friends are there (I've got very few friends and if we'd got married near our own home they may have come), just so I can be married to my wonderful oh.

Oh did I add in the hassle over who's giving me away? We've got a family friend who's been like a father figure to me over the years, my step-father (who I don't really see as a father since he married my mum when I was an adult but get on well with) or my younger brother. I objected bitterly to my mother at the idea of anyone giving me away (would conceed my true owner the cat doing it but she wasn't having that idea!), but she's still blethering on that I have to choose someone and I don't want to upset any of 'em, and refuse to do the Mama Mia thing of having the three stooges ALL on the go.

I shouldn't be looking on my wedding as a day "to get through", I shouldn't be looking on it as a necessary evil to get to a goal of being his wife - but that's pretty much what it's turned into.

Guess you struck a chord for a lot of people huh?

If you can't afford to have a wedding, why not wait a little while? Your wedding should be something you look forward to, not look past and see it as a goal. Can't you tell your mm=um to calm down? So what if she gets in a strop...it's your big day!!

Stephb1986_2

Dizzi why don't you tell your mum to back off? This is your day not hers, you should do what ever you bloody please!

Sorry

Steph xx

dizziblonde

With his dad's shifts - we've already been waiting 2 years now... can just about afford the basic reg office thing (which is all I really care about) - just mummyzilla has taken over the rest of it. We were basically facing the situation of never being able to get married at all in essence - meanwhile oh's sister was having the world thrown at her.

And with my mother - asking her things that are perfectly reasonable ("please stop opening my mail" was one such request) snowball and become grudges for years so it's honestly much less unpleasant to just endure it.

Basically I want to be married to him (not doing the whole big white dress thing or day of our dreams) so I've got to go through these hoops to get there - sad isn't it?

Stephb1986_2

dizziblonde wrote: »

With his dad's shifts - we've already been waiting 2 years now... can just about afford the basic reg office thing (which is all I really care about) - just mummyzilla has taken over the rest of it. We were basically facing the situation of never being able to get married at all in essence - meanwhile oh's sister was having the world thrown at her.

And with my mother - asking her things that are perfectly reasonable ("please stop opening my mail" was one such request) snowball and become grudges for years so it's honestly much less unpleasant to just endure it.

Basically I want to be married to him (not doing the whole big white dress thing or day of our dreams) so I've got to go through these hoops to get there - sad isn't it?

If I was you I'd just bug ger off to gretna green and sod the lot of them love.

I'm 22 my mum would never dream of opening my mail unless I asked her to (if I wasn't there)

If your not bothered about the whole white dress and the trimmings just you and him go for it, what matters is what you and your OH want.

Steph xx

student_advisor

Obviously I feel for all the other posters, but I'm sure you know what I mean when I say that I'm glad I'm not alone!

Mum & my sis have been great. Haven't spoken to dad or grandma since we rang them to tell them 2 weeks ago. Grandma managed a grunt and then started to tell me all about her bad knee! Still haven't even had a card from either.

His mum sounded fairly upset on the phone, but by the time we saw them the next day, they were lovely and clearly happy, if a little surprised!

The evening we told everyone, I was in tears 'cos they weren't gushing joy for us. Makes you wonder if you're doing the right thing...

Stephb1986_2

student_advisor wrote: »

Obviously I feel for all the other posters, but I'm sure you know what I mean when I say that I'm glad I'm not alone!

Mum & my sis have been great. Haven't spoken to dad or grandma since we rang them to tell them 2 weeks ago. Grandma managed a grunt and then started to tell me all about her bad knee! Still haven't even had a card from either.

His mum sounded fairly upset on the phone, but by the time we saw them the next day, they were lovely and clearly happy, if a little surprised!

The evening we told everyone, I was in tears 'cos they weren't gushing joy for us. Makes you wonder if you're doing the right thing...

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks aslong as you two are happy Either they want to join you in your joy or they don't if they don't it's their loss and then they will regret it for the rest of their lives while you live happily ever after.

Steph xx

Ruthie5

My Mum and Dad are great, as are OH's family, but my sister isn't coming to our wedding. I made the decision to move to a different part of the country to join OH and she felt he should have come over to me - and she's never got over it. I was really upset, but have just accepted it now, and am not letting it spoil the wedding - which is in two days time incidentally!

knitjob

It always makes you feel a little better to know that people are in the same boat as you!! We got engaged on the 24th April and told both sets of parents and best friends. Everyone was excited, but then it went all wrong on my side of the family!!
My brother, who I saw at christmas for my grandfathers funeral first time in 6 years, was told we were getting married and him and his 2 children from his second marriage would be invited to all day, but his step-daughter from his second marriage who is 17 - whom he is seperated from nearly 2 years - and I have met her about 3 times will only be invited to evening. Well he told my parents - who he hurts everytime he appears on the scene and I get it from them as I am always there - that he was not happy and that we should invite her all day!! This caused a major arguement between my mum and me, plus she started to shout at me about not putting on transport in the evening for my cousins - incidentally only from her side of the family, stuff dads - we picked a venue with a train station 10 mins walk away!!
I am a student so everything is getting done MSE but she can't see that as everything is a problem. Didn't ask her to come and see me trying on the dress that I am going to order from Landy as I knew it would end in tears, mine!!

Plus I have to invite all aunts and uncles but some of mine haven't even congratulated us never mind send us a card, where as OH's friends and family have inundated us with cards and gifts!!

joolesw1972

Wow! Thanks for this thread, stops you feeling like it's just you! My family are fine (although it took my Dad a while to get his head round the whole civil partnership thing!). They're interested in our plans & have said they will give us some money towards it. My partners family are very complicated! Her Mum doesn't speak to her brother or uncle who will both be there, she fell out with the uncle 1st & didn't go to the brothers second marriage because of him being there, that's partly why her & the brother now don't talk! Because we know it's going to be difficult day for her Mum we agreed to invite her friend so she had some support, even though we said when doing the guest list that we wouldn't invite anyone because we 'had to'. We've tried to make her feel involved by giving her little jobs to do, by taking her for lunch at the venue etc. But she makes my blood boil! Her opinion on everything is right & if you say politely no that's not what we want she goes on & on about it for hours. The latest issue is Aunty J, she wants Aunty J to come, we've said no, we see the woman once or twice a year & that's only if she's at the Nanna's when we call or take The Mother (MIL to be's nikname!) to visit. The other reason is thst Aunty J may stir things up between the other family members & we just don't need that adding to the mix! The Mother goes through phases of talking/not talking to Aunty J & currently they're best buddies so feels 'awkward' that J doesn't know she's not invited & apparently keeps asking if we've set a date, The Mother is now on at my partner every time she speaks to her to tell Aunty J, we've said we will when we see her, my partner doesn't want to do it over the phone, am so sick of her going on & am finding it hard to bite my tongue! My main worry to be honest is that my partner's mum will decide that she can't face the rest of the family & not turn up on the day, then my partners day would be tinged with sadness, which would be so unfair as she does so much for her family that is not appreciated.

PS-her family are all from Sunderland too! Must be something in the water!!!