Should boyfriend contribute? pls help

Dora_the_Explorer_5

It's incredibly difficult to put a price on a relationship without doing short term, or long term, damage.
If he's comfortably off, as clearly he is if he's been able to take early retirement, I'd suggest you ask him to pay the total food bill for the weeks he's with you.
If he says he eats only half the grub, point out that the total would also cover the cost of cooking it, illuminating the kitchen during cooking, heating the dining room during eating, wear and tear on cooker, pans, knives and forks, heating the washing up water, the cost of washing up liquid/cloths/tea towels. And anything else you can think of.
If he claims it as his own idea - let him, he will then 'own' it and hopefully stick to it with no backsliding.

northern_star

I must add here, so as not to mislead anyone - my boyfriend's visits amount to the best part of a week in every two, or more realistically this equates to just over a third of the time.

He brings what he needs for his visit with him, in terms of clean clothes etc and he takes his dirty laundry back home with him - so I am incurring no costs on that score.

He also buys and prepares his own lunch while I am work. I offer him the option of eating with us in the evening - most times he takes me up on this although sometimes he will take himself off to Tesco (very close by) and get himself a sandwich or a microwave meal instead.

There are quite a few small DIY jobs to do (it's an old house) which he tackles enthusiastically i.e cutting grass, mending things.

So bearing in mind that there are no laundry costs and limited food costs, how can I work out a figure to suggest?

mae

I would maybe suggest he covers the family shopping bill for the weeks he stays?? That way you are keeping a roof over his head and he is providing all the food? Or maybe you were thinking more than this??

zzzLazyDaisy

Does he treat you to other things while he's there? For instance, does he take you out for meals/to the pictures/whatever? Does he buy you gifts to show his appreciation? How much would it cost you if you had to pay someone to do all the little jobs around the house that he does for you? When he goes off to Tesco for his sandwich, does he also pick up odds and ends for you at the same time (and pay for them?).

I had a similar situation, and for a long time I felt the balance was about right once I took everything into account. Once he started spending more time at my place it got a bit uneven, but we sorted it out by him bringing in some food/groceries on his way in. That way he contributed without actually handing over money (which I didn't want anyway, to be honest).

Dora_the_Explorer_5

northern_star wrote:

I offer him the option of eating with us in the evening - most times he takes me up on this although sometimes he will take himself off to Tesco (very close by) and get himself a sandwich or a microwave meal instead.

That sounds quite bizarre. I honestly think you're being too soft and that he's behaving neither like a boy friend nor a guest.

hardpressed

What sort of value would you put on the jobs he does for you? How much are you saving by not having to get a 'man in'? Are you happy with the relationship do you want it to continue? It seems to me the only extra expence is the occasional meal, is it worth rocking the boat for that? Sorry for so many questions. If he was sitting around all day eating your food and not giving anything in return then I would say ask for a contribution but if he is paying 'in kind' by doing jobs for you then I think that's fair enough.

jenniferpa

I would go along with Mae's suggestion, except for the fact that he seems to keep himself to himself rather more than I would expect. Goes off to Tesco's to get himself a sandwich? What's that all about? It's the kind of thing I would expect from my teenager, but not an adult in a relationship. You know, the whole thing sounds more than a little strange (not you northern_star, your BF). I suppose it's a product of living alone. Anyway, do you heat the house when he's there, but not when he's not? What about phone bills? Are you actually seeking to recoup your costs, or are you thinking more along the lines of an acknowledgement that staying with you costs you money?

Jennifer

northern_star

mae wrote:

I would maybe suggest he covers the family shopping bill for the weeks he stays?? That way you are keeping a roof over his head and he is providing all the food? Or maybe you were thinking more than this??

I don't have any figure in mind at all. I'm conscious that our situation is unusual.

Asking him to buy the food sounds reasonable but I'm guessing he'd argue that he already buys most of his own food whilst here. Also if he was to buy the food I'm sure he'd be critical of what I buy and what my children eat.

By the same token if I ask him to contribute to the mortgage he may have an expectation to become a stake-holder!!!!

I wonder if one option would be to decide on a sum that's not 'specific' i.e not simply towards 'food' or 'heating costs' or 'council tax' - but that's where I come unstuck - how could I label this concept? And how much should I suggest?


OMG! Thought just occurred, will his visiting impact on my council tax bill (I currently get single householder discount)?

This is getting worse...............

Js_Other_Half

I do get the impression that there's more behind the intial question than money...?

If you've been together (in one form or another) for 10 years, where do you see this relationship going? Does it suit both of you to continue along as you have been doing?
I have to be honest, if someone was making their own food alongside whatever I was making for family dinner, I'd be gobsmacked.( Food allergies excepted). He does not sound part of your life...:(

hjb123

I think what needs to happen is for both of you to sit down and talk about things! You are in effect running two houses and you have been together 10 years. Would it not be more cost efficient for him to rent the other one out or with regards contributing to your house bills it depends on what he uses and how much hes there and what his income is like - all of this needs to be discussed between the two of you!