Should boyfriend contribute? pls help

northern_star

Ok. I’ll try and keep this short and to the point. I have been dating someone for the past 10 years and up until recently he worked locally where accommodation was provided as part of his job. However, he also has a property (owned outright) in another part of the country which he would use most weekends and all his holidays. Recently he retired which means he lost his base nearby and has settled into a routine of spending a week at his home elsewhere and a week with me. My dilemma is do I ask him to contribute to the household costs when he visits? And if so how much? Currently he doesn’t pay anything but he does help with diy jobs around the house while I’m at work and he buys and prepares his own lunch (again while I’m at work). Please help, I’d really welcome your views.

Ted_Hutchinson

Partly depends on how much time you personally spend at his place. If it's 50-50 then it's not so unfair.

If however you don't spend any or much time at his then it does appear disproportionate. It isn't the case that 2 live as cheap as one. For a start if he wasn't there you wouldn't need to heat the place while your at work. I think when you are living as a couple it's reasonable for the one at home to do the jobs and I don't think this lets him off paying his share of the outgoings.

So given that part of the time he isn't there and you would have to bear the costs of your property yourself if he didn't come I think to ask for 25% of the fuel costs and basic expenditure is reasonable.

northern_star

Thanks for your guidance Ted_Hutchinson. I don't spend any time at his place as it's in another part of the country and I have to work during the week and have children and pets to care for. We have been to his a few times over the years but my children really don't like it there (another story), so it's left to him to visit us. I appreciate that he incurs travel costs in coming over to stay but I can't help wondering if I should be asking for a financial contribution because, as you say, two can't live as cheaply as one. How could I calculate what is reasonable?

hjb123

I wouldnt ask him for 50/50 contribution but as previous poster says more like 25/75 as he is doing jobs for you round the house aswell. He will still have outgoings on the other house aswell?

If you dont mind me asking why does he still have the other house?

northern_star

hjb123 wrote:

I wouldnt ask him for 50/50 contribution but as previous poster says more like 25/75 as he is doing jobs for you round the house aswell. He will still have outgoings on the other house aswell?

If you dont mind me asking why does he still have the other house?

We haven't decided on living together per se, so when he retired the only option was for him to use his 'other' house as his place nearby was tied to his job. However, he comes to stay with us for the best part of every other week but he doesn't have any stuff here. He just brings what he needs for the stay so it's like having a non-paying house guest! Obviously he has outgoings on his own place but I can't help wondering what his visits are costing me financially (how do I calculate this?) and whether I should ask him to contribute.

fannyadams

Urmm NS, you've been dating this guy for 10 years and NOW you are quibbling over household contribution?
When you have been out with him in the past 10 years have you always 'gone dutch'?
or has he always paid or what?
perhaps if you can say hand on your heart that the relationship is 50/50 all the way then yes ask him to contribute is share of the expenses.
HTH

northern_star

fannyadams wrote:

Urmm NS, you've been dating this guy for 10 years and NOW you are quibbling over household contribution?
When you have been out with him in the past 10 years have you always 'gone dutch'?
or has he always paid or what?
perhaps if you can say hand on your heart that the relationship is 50/50 all the way then yes ask him to contribute is share of the expenses.
HTH

Although we have been dating for 10 years we have never lived together. My current dilemma has only come about as a result of him retiring and no longer having a place nearby - thereby coming to stay with me for longer periods than ever before. Whenever we go out we generally "go dutch" although there have times when we have gone somewhere beyond my pocket (at his request and insistence) and he has covered the cost. If it helps to clarify my original dilemma there is a huge difference in our incomes and financial status.

elona

I am guessing the difference is that he has a lot more money than you and is determined to hang on to it.

I may be very unfair but feel that what is yours is also "his" and what is "his" stays "his!"

Have you thought of not turning heating on and explaining that you cannot aford it?

Having beans on toast because you "have extra bills to pay!"

A decent guy would be offering you financial help - or even insisting on this.

Maybe he is not financially aware but he sounds mean to me!

Dora_the_Explorer_5

In my view he should already have offered you something - cash or food - to offset the extra money he's costing you in terms of heat, light, laundry, food etc etc. The fact that he hasn't should be telling you something.
When my mum first retired she always brought dessert when she came to my house for a meal - not because she needed to but because she was loving and thoughtful. Your BF should be doing little DIY jobs for you because he is fond of you and has a lot of spare time on his hands, and there can't be that many jobs surely. Retirement is no excuse for leeching on other people.
How much would be a reasonable amount to charge him? Well - cheap B&Bs are £20 a night, dinner at a MasterBrewer - £15.........A total of £35 a day might be a bit steep for him, but it puts things in perspective doesn't it. Age Concern suggest retired people should spend something in the region of £25-£30 a week on food in order to eat healthily and stay well. Another way of looking at it would be to figure out how much a grown man living at home with parents should pay for his keep - many threads on this subject suggest £50 is. Or you could total your housing, heating, lighting and food costs for the week and charge him 50%.
Good luck, I hope you manage to sort things out.

northern_star

elona wrote:

I am guessing the difference is that he has a lot more money than you and is determined to hang on to it.

I may be very unfair but feel that what is yours is also "his" and what is "his" stays "his!"

Have you thought of not turning heating on and explaining that you cannot aford it?

Having beans on toast because you "have extra bills to pay!"

A decent guy would be offering you financial help - or even insisting on this.

Maybe he is not financially aware but he sounds mean to me!

He’s VERY financially aware particularly when it comes to developing and protecting his investments – hence his ability to retire early! :rotfl:

I think you’re probably right elona– he’s tight with money and maybe thinks he’s onto a good thing here.

I’m sure that if I mention contributing – he’ll claim it as his own idea, along the lines of - “I’ve been thinking I should give you something…..”, whereas if I don’t mention it he’ll just keep on freeloading.

Which brings me back to my OP, what would be a reasonable amount in the circumstances?

hjb123

I would say approximately a 25%/75% split. It should get him thinking and he may offer more but if you have a starting point with him its soemthing to work on.