shared care for children

Golden_Anemone

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

When you say that my posts remind you of your sister who is trying to organise everyones lives do you mean just my posts on this thread or most of my posts? Im not having a go - its always interesting how other people perseve you!

LOL Bargainhunter, I'm not one of those FMs who constantly feel the need to trawl back through posts to check for consistency in the story. Heaven forbid I should ever be THAT bor[STRIKE]ing[/STRIKE]ed! I've never even looked at your previous posts.

How long have your OH and his ex been separated and how much contact with the kids has he had up to now?

Rikki

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

yes, that seems a sensible solution, with b/f taking them to clubs etc during the week to help out as he does at the moment

Your b/f would get quality time with them over a longer period so you can spend it more like a family unit for him and them. Also it wouldn't be too disruptive to them or your routine and quality time you both need together.
You could tie it into a weekend you either don't have or do have your children depending on what suits you and yours, as they are older.

Slow steps first. Don't try and do too much at once you could make their Mum feel threatened. Not your intention but its difficult for some separated Mums in the beginning, I include my self in this category. The children are the only constant in your life and its difficult when they are going to be closely involved with another women in a relationship with their Father. ( Not every divorcee finds the relationship with their ex an easy one).

snugglepants

Hi, first of all I think it's good that you are showing an active interest in your partner's children.

However, I definitely think that the one week with you both/one week with ex is not an option. The biggest reason being that mother of your partner's children is not in agreement. Also because - although it works well for you and your ex - I do think it would be disruptive to the children, especially as you both don't live together yet. New partners need to be introduced gradually. I understand the mother not wanting to enter into this arrangement - it works well for you, but I know for a fact that I personally would not be able to essentially "give up" my child for a week, even if it was ok to visit (which, in this case, I really don't think the mother would be comfortable visiting).

Although you may be the nicest person in the world, you are a stranger to her and also she may see you as a threat. Not in a horrible way that most female exes are portrayed to be, but a threat to her role as "Mother". It is hard enough getting over a break-up without having a new "Mummy" on the scene. Also, as pointed out by another poster, the different sets of rules imposed by the different households are a huge factor. I have had numerous conversations with my ex over rules/food etc, he agrees, then totally ignores it behind my back. Result = DD coming back high on sugar, with an attitude (as there are no rules - she gets what she wants) and then the inevitable comedown from the sugar overload. And this is just ONE night a week. Spare a thought for the Mum. I know you have good intentions, but with a new partnership a new set of rules come into place. You don't mention if your children have a new mother figure in their lives now?

I would suggest that your partner (and him alone) comes to a long-term agreement with the children's mother. With this arrangement, gradually build up to the set amount of days to give the children time to adjust and get used to it. I know your partner really wants to have a more active role in their lives, which is brilliant, but you need to think of the children and their emotional wellbeing.

loftus

Got to love the logic in this thread. A mother who allows a father see their children - yes surprisingly the children are theirs, not hers - a couple of days a week is being "generous" and how can the mother be deprived of the children for such a long time. Doesn't seem to be a problem for some posters for the father to be deprived for most of the time.

Where it can work shared care is great. However OP if your bf's ex doesn't want it to work it won't, even if you get court orders. You're bf is best slowly building on the contact he has.

Also it may be best if you stay in the background as much as possible. It affects you but leave the sorting out to mum and dad.