shared care for children

BARGAINHUNTER!

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belfastgirl23

I think this arrangement would be very disruptive for the children actually, particularly if the split is very recent. I think it's probably a good bit down the line, if at all.

I'm also wondering whether it is too early a stage for them to see daddy playing happy families with someone else. And whether you being involved might be part of the reason that his ex is being so resistant. I do personally think it's a good idea to keep 'new' BFs and GFs away from the kids for a certain period of time, both to give the kids time to settle down and to give the ex a chance to get over the pain.

I think your BF should go to mediation services through family court and ask them for help in deciding what is best for the kids. At the end of the day it isn't what he or his ex want that's important, it's what they need. And a mediation service might be able to help them get to that.

delain

My ex and i had a shared care arrangement... it was a total disaster! Unless you and your OH and his ex have got a very friendly relationship still then don't do it.

The 'handovers' took place at the train station (had to be in public owing to his violent previous behavior) and he would wait on the other platform and wave whilst my train went and i was waiting with the kids when dropping them off to make sure i missed my train home (deliberately making me late for work) and on several occasions spat in my face in front of the children. Your OH's ex may not be this bad but bear in mind signing up to see him regularly could be an issue if things degenerate.

Also i feel this held back the development of my children, as they need consistency of care, and two completely different sets of rules can cause real behavior issues. I did try with my ex to hammer in some rules about what was and was not to go on but he ignored them all anyway and let them do/eat what they wanted (DDs 2 and 3 are sensitive to food colours - i'd get them back hyper every week) and (3 years later) i am still dealing with the consequences in my eldest DDs behavior!:mad:

Sorry for the ramble but i hope you see my point that what seems like a good idea at first is not so great with hindsight, especially as OH's ex does not like the idea.

galvanizersbaby

I have a shared care arrangement for my children with their dad (my ex H/B)
This only really works well for the children if the parents are amicable and in both in agreement as to what is best for the children - there has to be a fair bit of contact and communication between the adults regarding the children.

I think the one week on/ one week off idea is a bad one and could be pretty disruptive and confusing for the children - I don't think any mediation service will support that.

I think as BelfastGirl suggests they should seek the support of mediation services

BARGAINHUNTER!

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Zazen999

Shouldn't you live together and get the kids used to this first, then approach the mother?

delain

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

Thank you very much for your comments. As I mentioned in my initial post, I currently have this arrangement with my ex with my two children, although they are slightly older. They live with me one week and their Dad the next. We haven't found it disruptive for the children at all, we made the decision based purely on the children benefitting from being parented by both parents, which is why my b/f and I thought that this arrangement might work with his kids as well. Maybe having them for 3 nights in a row would be better than alternate weeks? At least that way they will get to spend some quality time with their Dad and my b/f can have more of an imput into their lives.

If their mum is resistant to this idea she can have a lot of input into whether or not it works and she may try to put ideas in their head, about your bf or anything else she likes.

my DD1, at the age of 4 randomly said to a checkout lady in tesco that 'daddy doesn't love mummy any more becuase she's dirty' and it later turned out she had been programmed to say it 'to grownups'Along with 'my mummy can't look after me' :mad:

If you OH's ex is made to participate in shared care, she may resent it and force her hand in this way. This is why detailed communication and a legally binding agreement is the way to go, if you do it at all. And in your situation, i wouldn't!

galvanizersbaby

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

Thank you very much for your comments. As I mentioned in my initial post, I currently have this arrangement with my ex with my two children, although they are slightly older. They live with me one week and their Dad the next. We haven't found it disruptive for the children at all, we made the decision based purely on the children benefitting from being parented by both parents, which is why my b/f and I thought that this arrangement might work with his kids as well. Maybe having them for 3 nights in a row would be better than alternate weeks? At least that way they will get to spend some quality time with their Dad and my b/f can have more of an imput into their lives.

I think that a week is a long time to spend away from any one parent for a young child.

Pee

This arrangement would affect the CSA monies payable, which might also explain her reluctance.

Your bf should speak to a solicitor and find out what would happen. My concern is that if pressed the ex may just move away, leaving it very hard for your bf to see his children.

BARGAINHUNTER!

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BARGAINHUNTER!

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