Split up from wife & kids, unsure of next step

pinkshoes

Don't reply to your ex until you're calm.

Why did the two of you split up??? Sounds like there might be a spark left...

You've only known this new girlfriend 2 months, so what's the rush to move in with her??? When you have 2 children, you need to put them first, so to be honest it doesn't look good that you're moving in with some girl you've only just met.

I would slow down this new relationship a bit, and carry on having your kids over to stay in your OWN place. Where are they going to stay if you're living with your girlfriend?? The honeymoon period of a new relationship is generally 6 to 12 months, so because there's kids involved, i would be waiting the full 12 months before moving in...

I don't agree with what your ex is doing, but I can see how this situation will look from her point of view.

Zazen999

I'd be inclined to answer back with something un-specific like

'What do you suggest then?' and see if she spills on what she does expect.

Unless you are a complete monster, I'm sure your daughter and son want to see you, even if in the short term they are upset about things.

ChefBungle

I'm calm now, and I've just asked exactly what she meant by "putting my life on hold".

The two of us split because my heart was no longer in the relationship, and hadn't been for about 3 years prior to that, but we tried lots of different things to make it work - marriage counselling, time apart, more time together, individual counselling, etc. But it always just felt like square peg into a round hole. As I'd mentioned earlier, she went through really severe post natal depression after our son was born, this was a 3 year period when she seeds of destruction were sown. I was young and naive, and neither of us got the support from either family or from the doctor, etc. If it was to happen to me now I would react in a completely different way, but the damage is done and I can't just change the way that I feel. So to answer your question, no there is no spark left, not on my side anyway.

Moving in with my girlfriend feels like the right thing to do just now. My ex has previously made it clear that I wouldn't be allowed to have the kids over to stay unless I had my own place ie no flatmates, etc - just a house or a flat with me and only me in it (she obviously knew this was never going to happen as I can't afford it, so was an unreasonable stipulation on her part).

To be honest (and I'm sorry if this makes me seem callous), I don't really care how this situation "looks" from her point of view. It is what it is, I'm now at the point where I simply want what I am entitled to.

floss2

ChefBungle wrote: »

...... a proper relationship with your daughter.........

I understood that you have 2 children?!

Save that message, download it to your PC and print it out to take with you when you meet with your solicitor. And do the same with any replies & other messages you receive.

Zazen999

At some point in a relationship split, one or both of you [hopefully] are going to get into another relationship - she can't honestly think after 2 years that you should wait until both of your kids have left home before you consider having a serious relationship???

yoni_one

ChefBungle wrote: »

To be honest (and I'm sorry if this makes me seem callous), I don't really care how this situation "looks" from her point of view. It is what it is, I'm now at the point where I simply want what I am entitled to.

Fair nuff, unfortunately I can't help at all in that respect because you are in Scotland.

But, given that you want what you are entitled to re access to the children and possibly reducing the amount you pay to support them, and she will want what she and the children are entitled to re financial support - hopefully, all this aside you will both still want what is best for the children and not use them as leverage to demand conditions.

Regardless of the wants you care about and those you don't, the fact is you no longer agree on former arrangements and can't reach an amicable agreement now.

Unfortunately it looks like you will both have to go through the official channels to reach a resolution.

Such a shame because the biggest winners in that scenario are usually the lawyers.

memelalou

please do not agree to changing the your childrens names, it may be used as your wife as ammo 'look your dad doesn't even want you to have is name', which may look bad in court.

it looks like your wife is making it difficult because of the new relationship and i agree with other posters moving in even though it may feel very right, doesnt scream responsible parent, as a mother to be if me and my husband split up i would not let my child stay with someone he only knew for a couple of months.

again agreeing with other posters she may be wanting a seperation and not divorce for two reasons 1. she still loves you, 2. she's in a very cushy postion.
you are very generous with what you are paying, but i'm scared for you that if you stop this she will stop access, or blacken your name against your children.

you need to visit a lawyer and make arrangements for a divorce or at least make offical arrangements for custody/visitation rights.

try as hard it is to talk face to face with your wife, explain about the money situation perhaps a short sharp shock that her money will reduce if she keeps on playing games with the children. make sure she also realises what effects this game playing is having on you and more importantly the children.

good luck you sound like a great father.:o

richarddorset

ChefBungle wrote: »

Hi Folks,

Just wondered if anyone else had any advice for me?

Thanks.

Hi

The CSA do take car allowance into account as it is a taxable benefit.
I found this to my cost when they mistakenly did not take it into account at first, and then realised their mistake later on.

Your situation almost exactly mirrors one I was in a few years ago. You have my complete and utter sympathy.

In my bitter experience, the CSA, the family courts and CAFCASS always keep with the status quo 'in the interests of the children', and are very wary of doing anything, even if it is apparent that your wife is turning the children against you, and making you walk on egg-shells to see them.

Sadly, you have no option but to jump through all the hoops, spend a fair amount of time, effort and money, and not get much in return.

I suggest you might join 'Families Need Fathers' or, if you believe in more direct action and want to make a loud noise, see if there are any local father's rights groups around - at least it will allow you to release some of the pent up emotion.

I am now happily re-married with two children by my current wife, but I do not see my two sons at all by my first wife. I walked out of the family courts after about three years and £15,000, when I realised that they were going to do nothing to help me at all.

Sorry - maybe things have improved since then.

morch

Bottom line here is that you really do need a divorce lawyer on the job swiftly

There is too much at stake to avoid the legal stuff being dealt with.

You need to either speak to a local lawyer or see what advise is available online. Best bet is to ring a firm and find out over the phone what they can offer you - or arrange a face to face.

Your wife will get the upper hand here if you do not even the playing field.

Avoid "quickie" divorce sites and go for those that look like they could kick !!!. Look for lawyers that are Resolution accredited ie:


http://www.divorce-rights.co.uk/

http://www.shortlands.co.uk/

ChefBungle

OK Folks,

Here's a bit of an update on the whole situation.....

Things haven't improved over the last couple of months and my ex and I are still at stalemate in relation to the kids.

I tried to set up a meeting through Family Mediation Service, but she declined the invitation saying that it "wasn't appropriate at this point in time".

She says she has taken the children to the doctors and they've been referred to family therapy. As it's an NHS referral, goodness only knows how long this will take to come through.

On Friday night my ex and I were due to have a catch-up call so that I could find out what has been going on in my children's lives. It wasn't a productive conversation as she seemed to be somewhat angry - it seemed an effort for her to expand on some of the answers she gave to the questions I asked. However, worse was that my eldest it would seem overheard most of the call, and knowing his mum was on the phone to me upset him. It seems strange that she would knowingly put him in this position, and I'm now convinced she's not doing anything to prevent the further deterioration of my relationship with them - I think she is actually unwittingly contributing to its demise.

I now really don't feel as if I'm going to get anywhere, and feel like my only course of action is rapidly becoming a court action to gain access to them.

However, this is going to cost me between £2000 and £5000 according to my lawyer, depending on how much resistance she decides to put up (probably as much as possible). I simply cannot afford to pay this because not only am I paying her 25% maintenance for the children and half of the mortgage and insurance on the marital home (which I am no longer staying in), but I am also paying around £800 per month in debt repayments (£10k car loan, £17 worth of credit card debt, all of which was amassed during our 9 years together, but it is all in my name so I've been lumbered with it).

The only thing I can do is reduce the amount of money I'm paying her each month - as I said I am currently paying her 25% maintenance for the kids, but I only have to pay her 20% according to the CSA, so this would save me around £120 a month which would at least mean I could start the ball rolling with the court action.

If I don't do this, then I genuinely have no idea about where to turn to. My earnings don't qualify me for legal aid, and I have about £150 a month disposable income once everything is paid.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I will post this as a new thread as well in case people don't read this one - I need as much help as I can get just now!