Split up from wife & kids, unsure of next step

ChefBungle

Hi All,

I've been a long time follower of this site, but this is the first time I have posted anything. I will apologise in advance for the probable length of this, but my situation is quite complicated! I should probably also point out that I live in Scotland, just in case this changes any of the advice that anyone would like to offer.

Where to start? Well, I split up with my wife officially about 2 years ago. I moved out of the marital home and rented a flat for about 9 months, after which I moved into Edinburgh and have rented a flat there ever since. The arrangement that my wife and I came to was that I would stay at my rented accomodation between Monday and Friday, and that I would return to the house at the weekend in order to see the children and her, and to do any odd jobs around the house so that we could put it on the market and eventually sell it. This arrangement worked reasonably well until around 2 months ago, when it was becoming too much for me - I felt like a nomad and didn't really have anywhere I felt that I could call home. Our house has been on the market for about 15 months now, but with the way things are in the property market, it doesn't look as if it's going to sell anytime soon.

Over the last 2 months, the relationship between my wife and I has essentially broken down, and she is starting to limit the access I have to the children - our 9 year-old son and 4 year-old daughter. She is telling me that our son doesn't want to see me or spend time with me because he is very upset and angry at what I've done (which I completely understand, he has to vent his anger and frustration at someone), and she also claims that our daughter doesn't want to see me unless my wife is there as well (I'm not sure if i entirely believe this as the few times I have spent with my daughter, we have managed to spend time together just the two of us without any issues). The latest blow came a few days ago when my wife turned round and said that because she herself didn't want to spend any time with me, that I could consider any future dates we'd previously agreed that I would see the children cancelled. So at this moment in time I am completely unsure of when I am going to see either of my children next.

She also says she is in the process of getting her lawyer to draft a separation agreement, essentially containing things we have previously discussed. She says that her lawyer has advised her against starting divorce proceedings. She originally started this process around 6 weeks ago and I haven't received anything yet, which seems like a considerable length of time for even a fairly competent lawyer to put something together.

When I moved out of the house, I started to get my salary paid into my own bank account rather than the joint account we'd had previously. Following this, I have taken on the majority of the household debt (around £10,000 outstanding on a car loan, and around £16,000 combined on credit cards) and I am repaying these from my own account. In addition to this, I am paying her 50% of the mortgage/insurance/life insurance (which comes to just under £180 every 2 weeks) as well as an additional £300 every 2 weeks in maintenance for the children. The £300 every 2 weeks represents about 25% of my net salary. (I work for an American company so I get paid every 2 weeks, hence the frequency of payments!).

I have started to make enquiries this week with the Family Mediation Service in Scotland to see about establishing some kind of informal route to seeing my children again.

So my questions are :

1. Why would her lawyer have advised her not to start divorce proceedings and go for a separation agreement instead?
2. Would I be better to start divorce proceedings myself? I can demonstrate that I have tenancy agreements for the last 2 years (although I didn't change a lot of my registered addresses for bank statements etc as I was still returning to the marital home at the weekends). But I think I can fairly demonstrate that we haven't co-habited for 2 years. In addition, she has been claiming the single person's discount on council tax at the marital home, as well as tax credits on the basis that I no longer live in the house, and she has done for the last 2 years, so surely they would see that as acceptance on her part that we haven't cohabited for this length of time? Therefore I can apply for a divorce on the grounds of "separation for more than 1 year".
3. Should I see what the Family Mediation Service route achieves first before starting divorce proceedings?
4. Should I change the amount of money I am paying her every 2 weeks from now onwards? According to the CSA I should only be paying 20% of my net salary, so this would reduce the amount every 2 weeks by about £60. If I paid 20% as well as my share of the mortgage, would this be considered as reasonable? Given as well that I am repaying the majority of the household debt myself?
5. My wife seems to think she is entitled to some kind of alimony payment structure, to enable her to make the change to a "lower standard of living". Is this correct? Based on my research, the divorce courts in Scotland prefer a clean break approach? If it helps, I was/am the main breadwinner, with a salary of circa £43000 whilst she gets paid circa £14,000. She continued to work whilst pregnant/bringing up the children (other than the standard maternity leave and some sick leave following a severe bout of post-natal depression), so she hasn't put her career on hold, which I think she has to demonstrate in order for this to be considered?
6. My actual salary is £37500, but I get a car allowance of around £5500 on top of this. Do the CSA consider this car allowance as part of my income, or do they ignore it because it's not actually part of my salary?
7. She has made the request that I agree to having my kids surnames changed to her maiden name via deed poll (she already changed her name back by deed poll about 18 months ago). My gut feeling is to say no to this, but she has hinted that if I agree to it then it will make the relationship with my son better - so therefore if I say no will it make it worse?

I am off on holiday for the next 2 weeks, so I'm trying to look into this as much as possible and see where I need to go next.

Any help would be really appreciated, even if you can only offer advice on 1 or 2 of my questions above.

Thanks all.

RAS

Hi

You really do need a good lawyer as a starting point. You may not want to push for all your legal rights but until you know them, you cannot start to negoitiate a compromise.

floss2

I think she is in a very lucky situation, and this is probably why she has been "advised" not to go for a divorce, as it is likely that you may be paying over the recommened maintenance - not sure about Scotland, but I always understood that it was for children only, unless the other party had given up a lucative career. Personally I think you are paying way too much - £300 every 2 weeks + 50% of main bills? Please would you become my separated husband?!

Do you have the room for your children to stay, or is that not possible because you are paying out so much to her? You may find that you will need to have the room for them to stay if you want to have access.....

ChefBungle

Hi,

Thanks for this, i think you're right - she is in a very lucky situation. The more I think about it and speak to other people about it, the more I feel like I'm being taken for a fool.

I'm just about to move in with my new girlfriend and she does have 2 spare rooms, so the possibility of them being able to stay over is certainly there, but I don't think this will sit particularly well with my ex.

I'm going to call the Family Mediation service today to see what they can do in terms of getting the ball rolling as far as access to kids is concerned. And then I think i'm going to see a lawyer either this week or next week and start divorce proceedings.

What do you think about the other questions I'd put?

ChefBungle

Hi Folks,

Just wondered if anyone else had any advice for me?

Thanks.

whitewing

How new is this new gf? Moving in seems that it may well turn into an expensive mistake. Your wife will almost certainly have a problem with it, and therefore will cause more problems with your children. Ordinarily I would say you can't let someone else rule your life, but the fact that you stated 'new' bothers me in the set up.

With regard to changing the children's surname, the only way that children will have a real problem with it is if the wife has. But you may have to accept that she has.

My son has always had a different surname to me.

ChefBungle

I've been seeing my new girlfriend for a couple of months now. I know it probably seems like too much too soon for the whole moving in thing, but we get on so well it just feels like the right thing to do.

I'm not sure how it will impact on the current situation though - my ex has already made face-to-face contact with the kids virtually impossible (or completely on her grounds anyway), so I don't actually see how it could get any worse.

And the name change thing, I'm sure there probably is some (albeit subtle) encouragement going on there, even if she wasn't the one to originally suggest it. She changed her own name by deed poll 18 months ago, so I think it's fair to say she does have a problem with it.

pinkshoes

Has the new girlfriend situation coincided with the change in attitude from your wife? Why did you and your wife split up?

Personally I think your wife's behaviour is disgusting, and if she doesn't allow the kids to see you, they'll end up resenting her one day.

You've been more than brilliant regarding the finanical situation, hence she probably doesn't want the divorce. I would have just moved back into the family home, as you have just as much right to be there!!

Make sure you send regular letters to the kids, so even if she won't let you see them, at least they'll know you think about them and care. Perhaps even send them recorded delivery, just so you know they received them.

Also get yourself a solicitor, or at least speak to someone. Start the divorce yourself!!

Why has the house not sold? At the right price, it will sell. Have you researched what other houses are selling for, and priced yours lower? Do you have much equity in the property?

ChefBungle

No, the new girlfriend situation hasn't coincided with the change in attitude from my wife. Although having said that, it was behind her comment last week when she found out about her that any future dates we'd agreed I could spend time with the children, that I could now consider those dates cancelled.

I am really tempted to reduce the amount of money I'm paying to her, because I now feel like I'm just being taken advantage of and getting nothing in return. But I want to be the bigger person in all of this.

I sent my eldest son a birthday present towards the end of last week (it was his birthday on Monday). He sent the present and birthday card back to me, saying that he didn't want it and he didn't want anything to do with me. But I'm going to start sending my daughter something once a week - maybe a card or a letter along with a Mr Men book, so over the next 6 months or so she can build up the whole collection.

I'm seeing a solicitor next week, I'm just waiting on him phoning me back later today to confirm the appointment. Also going to see the Family Mediation service on Monday as well.

House isn't selling because the property market between Edinburgh and Glasgow has pretty much ground to a halt. I believe the sale price is too high, but my ex refuses to agree to lower the price until she's finished doing some repair / improvement work to the house which she reckons will be done by September.

Total nightmare, I just feel like my hands are tied. I want to do the right thing, but I also don't want the mickey taken out of me.

floss2

I think you need to start to call the shots now:

1. Ask for her solicitors' details so your solicitor can make contact & sort out access.

2. Contact the CSA with regards to having a maintenance assessment for your new payments.

3. Start divorce proceedings on grounds of 2 years separation (assuming it is the same in Scotland?)

4. Demand a date by when the works to the house will be finished and the house marketed professionally to sell. Then ask your solicitor to write to hers requesting that this date be adhered to otherwise the property will be marketed as it stands.

5. Start to keep any gifts / letters / cards returned by your son. He may not really want to send them back but be doing it to please his mum - if you can keep them when returned until he decides to get in touch you cannot be accused of not trying to reach him.

6. Be prepeared for things to get nasty - particularly when current financial arrangements are changed.

Good luck,
Floss x

ChefBungle

Hi,

Thanks for that, I'm feeling a bit more confident now about the whole thing.

I never thought it would get to this stage. I saw it happen to other people around us and I always thought we'd be able to sort things out amicably, but now it just feels like I'm some kind of money tree and I'm getting nothing in return.

Family mediation service and lawyers appointments are next week, I will contact the CSA today or tomorrow for advice and see what they come up with.

My big concern about changing the finances is that she says she can no longer afford to pay the mortgage and defaults on it, as I am jointly liable for the mortgage payment, but don't actually have any control over it actually being paid. I know she would be stupid to neglect this over her credit card debt for example, but I wouldn't be surprised!