Split up from wife & kids, unsure of next step

ElusiveLucy

It sound sto me like your ex is milking you for as much as she can get. By saying she won't agree to a reduced sale price on the house until at least September she's buying herself additional months with the current monetary situation. I really would say you need to speak to a solicitor as soon as possible and see what they say.

pinkneonmartini

ChefBungle wrote: »

My big concern about changing the finances is that she says she can no longer afford to pay the mortgage and defaults on it, as I am jointly liable for the mortgage payment, but don't actually have any control over it actually being paid. I know she would be stupid to neglect this over her credit card debt for example, but I wouldn't be surprised!

i would personally ring all the utility companies and the mortgage lenders, explain the situation and make an agreement to pay them directly, get this confirmed in writing.

pinkshoes

ChefBungle wrote: »

I sent my eldest son a birthday present towards the end of last week (it was his birthday on Monday). He sent the present and birthday card back to me, saying that he didn't want it and he didn't want anything to do with me. But I'm going to start sending my daughter something once a week - maybe a card or a letter along with a Mr Men book, so over the next 6 months or so she can build up the whole collection.

For a 9 year old to return a present and say he wants nothing to do with you is not a decision he would form on his own unless he'd had someone (your ex no doubt) filling his mind with bad things about you.

Keep sending them BOTH letters, telling them how much you miss them, how much you think about them etc... (but never say anything about your ex).

What your ex is doing is truely disgusting. One of my best friends used to be close to her mum, as her dad had walked out when she was young. Many years later (early 20s) the Dad got in touch, and she met up with him (much to her mum's disgust, who thought of it as betrayal). Turns out after her mum and dad split, the mum had cut all contact and refused to let him see her. He also told her he'd sent a cheque and a Birthday card every year, none of which she'd ever say. Needless to say, she now no longer speaks to her mum (too much resentment for having grown up without a dad!), but is slowly builing a relationship with her dad again.

Speak to the CSA and see how much you should be paying, then discuss the contact arrangement with them too.

Caz3121

floss2 wrote: »

I think you need to start to call the shots now:

3. Start divorce proceedings on grounds of 2 years separation (assuming it is the same in Scotland?)

Scotland is actually 1 year separation with consent and 2 years without.....however for a Scottish Divorce the Finances need to all be sorted out first.
If your wife is in England you can divorce under either but the main difference is Scotland looks at the assets etc (pension value etc) at the time of separation - eg 2 years ago whereas the English system looks at it as of now.
You really need to get some time with a solicitor and bring things to a head, won't be pleasant but needs to be done at some point.
She may be able to stay in the house and you have a charge over it to get a % when the children are older but she would then need to take responsibility for mortgage etc.
Have a look over at ondivorce.co.uk there are some helpful people that know the Scottish and English systems well

Floss

Caz3121 wrote: »

Scotland is actually 1 year separation with consent and 2 years without.....however for a Scottish Divorce the Finances need to all be sorted out first.
If your wife is in England you can divorce under either but the main difference is Scotland looks at the assets etc (pension value etc) at the time of separation - eg 2 years ago whereas the English system looks at it as of now......

Could this mean that the OP's house is valued at more than it is now worth? Sorry to go off post, but is the amount that he has been paying voluntarily taken into any account?

alicemary

Dear ChefBungle,

I cannot help you with the financial problems you are having, but I can give you the advice I have to offer about your relationship with your kids.

Firstly, I would take everything that you hear from them with a pinch of salt: your wife sounds very bitter and may well be filling their heads with nonsense.
The only answer to this is to continue regardless: call your kids, write to them, keep asking to see them. Keep records of all correspondence from them and your wife.

I say this because your kids are young, and may not realize what is really going on. In the future they may come round - with the understanding of adult relationships that comes with maturity.
If you have been consistently in your actions to them over time, it will stand you in good ground for a positive relationship with them in the future.

Do not move in with the girlfriend. You don’t know her well, and it will NOT go down well with your wife nor your children.

You need everything on your side to work out your relationship with your kids. Introducing yet another change to them in the form of a “new mum” can only be damaging. They will think you are putting them second (which is something you cannot risk right now).

ChefBungle

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom, it really is appreciated.

Update as of this morning : I received the following message at 4am this morning - "I am prepared to put my life on hold for however long it needs for us to work through the problem, and to work at having a proper relationship with your daughter. If and only if you are prepared to do the same. It's not going to be easy to work through but am prepared to give you the committment no matter what it takes, and the upset I need to go through in order to get there. If you're not able or prepared to do this, then I want you to leave me and the kids alone, so I can rebuild (daughter's name)'s confidence, and will then let her make her own decision when she is mature and confident enough to visit on her own. I await your answer. But will give you the time and space you need to do this."

I was pretty livid when I read this at 6.30am this morning when I woke up. I haven't replied yet, but I am pretty horrified at the fact that she is basically telling me to split up with my new girlfriend otherwise I get zero access to or contact with the children. What is the relevance of me having a new girlfriend to the relationship I have with my kids? I have already made the committment to my girlfriend and ex that I wouldn't introduce the kids to her for at least 6 months as it's not fair on either party if they get to know each other and then the relationship goes belly up. My ex is clearly angling for the possibility that we can still get back together, but that will only happen if my girlfriend is no longer around.

Unbelievable.

I thought about replying something along the lines of (firstly) "What do you mean by putting my life on hold" - just to clarify exactly that she is referring to me girlfriend. Then "So if I don't agree to what you are requesting, then does that mean you are going to refuse me access to or contact with the children?"

Oh, and I find it particularly rich that she's said this given that I know for a fact she is active on at least 1 dating website.

Zazen999

Do you know what the problem IS with your daughter?

ChefBungle

I don't actually know what the problem is. From what my ex tells me, she seems to go from wanting to see me and spend time with me, to not wanting to. As I said earlier, the times where I have spent time with her just her and me I haven't detected any problems at all, and I even asked her how she felt about spending time with me without mummy around and she said she was ok about it. So again, I'm left wondering how much of what I'm being told is genuine.

yoni_one

Is this right -
* you and your wife had an arrangement that worked well for you both for the past two years.
* two months ago you got together with your new girlfriend
* two months ago the arrangement that had worked well for you and your wife suddenly became too much for you (not for financial reasons but because you felt like a nomad).
* during the last two months your relationship with your wife has broken down and you are now looking to reduce the amount you contribute to your children's household while your wife is making it difficult for you to gain access to your children under your new terms.

If the above is correct your wife may perceive that your request to change the arrangements is driven by prioritising your needs and wants in your new relationship above those of your children's.

I am not saying it is fact, just saying that may be how she sees it, and if she does, then like most mums she may feel that you should be putting your children's interests first as you had been doing for the past two years.