Daughters boyfriend owes us money

recovering_spendaholic

I don't know what to do about this and wondered if anyone could perhaps advise me as I am literally at my wit's end. My daughter, aged 19, has been going out off an on for the last two years with a 21 year old who is just horrendous. He has a criminal record for GBH and has systematically abused my daughter mentally and physically over the last two years. During the time they were together they went on holiday to Rome and the night before they were due to fly my daughter said that they didn't have a hotel and asked if her Dad and I would book one on our card and the bf would pay us back because he had just got his student loan. Because my daughter was so distressed I capitulated and paid £900 on my card and of course the bf totally refused to pay us back - he just refused and was goading my husband to hit him - it was dreadful.

Over the last two years he has taken all my daughters savings (over £2000) and even spent all the shop gift tokens we gave her for her 18th (we wouldn't give money because she would give it to him) on clothes for himself. He has told my daughter that she is too fat and ugly for anyone else to want to go out with her and she believes this (she has put on over 3 stone since she has been with him) and he also denied that he was going out with her when they met his friends because he said he was ashamed of how she looked. HE has also stolen my DS and games which he traded in at game for something he wanted. This is just a fraction of the stuff he has done.

About 4 months ago she finally broke away from him after a dreadful episode where I had to call the police because she was lockedin his house and he was going berserk and pulled a door off its hinges in a blind rage and was smashing it down on her. The police came but my daughter wouldn't press charges. He then spent the next month putting all kinds of pressure onto her saying he was going to kill himself and that he was only violent because he loved her and was frightened of losing her. She remained strong and gradually returned to the girl she had been, and went back to college and started socialising again (he had effectively isolated her from all her old friends). However this last week she has gone back to him and we are back at square one.

Sorry to go on but my question is this:

Have I got any legal recourse to recover the money we lent him or the DS and games?

My husband has had a heart attack recently and is in no shape to deal with him (which the bf knows and is playing on) and I am in a total state of despair and panic.

Sorry to sound such a wimp - I feel such a failure that I have let this happen to my daughter.

pinkshoes

Can you prove it was specifically him that spent the money, and not him and your daughter?

You could put a small claims court claim in for half the money (his half, not your daughter's half), which costs £30 to do, and can be done online.

Regarding your daughter and her unsuitable taste in men, is there any way you can get her to move away from this "man" (animal)? Would talking to her do any help? Could you do something to boost her self esteem?

Pee

It's up to your daughter who she choses to be with, and when she is ready to leave, she will. You have given her all the support you can. Try to maintain the contact and try not to dwell on her OH.

With regard to the money, if he said my girlfriend's parents gave her £900 whilst we were on holiday with them, it was a gift to her, I didn't agree to pay it back, then it's going to be very hard for any third party to know the truth.

I think given that you are unlikely to get anything back and the only real approach is to call the police re the stolen DS - which again he could say you gave to your daughter - all you are going to do is cause trouble within the family, which is the last thing you want to do.

Be there for her, be somewhere for her to turn and show he that other lifestyles exist. It is then up to her as to what she chooses.

Pee

Sorry, you weren't on holiday with them, but booked the hotel for them. I misread that.

herbertthehelper

I guess you decided to pay for it, so in some ways he doesnt have to pay you back ?

DrScotsman

herbertthehelper wrote: »

I guess you decided to pay for it, so in some ways he doesnt have to pay you back ?

No that's not how it works, if he said he'd pay it back then he's legally liable. Of course proving this in small claims court might not be easy...but then again if you can prove that you paid for the hotel (easy) and that he went on the holiday, that might be enough? Remember this isn't criminal, so it's not "beyond all reasonable doubt", it's something more in your favour.

But it sounds like he knows he's liable for the money, if he received a court summons would he really fight it?

toniq

Hi,

Would it be a wise move if ony four months have passed since their split?
Would it not bring him out of the woodwork and maybe complicate things for your daughter?
If it was me i'd let it go just to keep him out of our lives, somethings are just not worth the hassle.
Im so sorry to hear of your husbands ill health.

Pee

It would be so easy to say that it was a gift. I don't think we are looking at a morally responsible human being.

GettingHitched

Sorry for this horrible mess you are in, and sorry for your husbands ill health.

As someone who has been in a violent relationship, I know how hard it is to accept help ( no matter who it has come from ) she may not even know that she is in one

I think the best thing you can do for your daughter, is to write off the DS and money as gone ( otherwise things may get worse for her ) be there for her, and ( if she doesnt live with you ) offer her a room/sanctuary. Encourage her to go out with her friends/ take an interest in her school work, take her out for coffee/lunch so she can talk to you if she needs to.
Do other members of the family know whats going on? Does she want him out of her life?

WestonDave

I think you and your husband need to set some reasonable boundaries which enable you to be there for your daughter but to protect yourselves (particularly in light of your husband's health) from this guy. At the end of the day you can't and won't make your daughter leave this guy and you shouldn't try to make her choose between you and him. However I don't think its unreasonable to say to her that until he apologises for his actions and repays the money for the holiday and DS he is not welcome in your house. You need to make it clear that you love her and you will always be there for her, but you cannot allow him to just walk all over the family at the detriment of money and health.

She needs to come to a position herself where she decides that he is not worthy of her but you can't force that. In the meantime you don't have to put up with him and by making that clear you are also sending a clear but also subtle message to your daughter about the fact that this guy is a waste of space.

Dinah93

I wouldn't be worried about the money but about your daughter. Can she not see what he is like? I was with a mentally and physically abusive man for years, but I believed I deserved it. Find a womens refuge or charity in the area and arrange a councelling session and take her down there. It actually only took one stranger telling me I didn't deserve this, and I didn't have to put up with it for me to get out. That was a little over a year ago, I'm with an amazing man now, kind gentle and sweet, my parents love him to bits, but if it hadn't been for a stranger telling me it was no way acceptable I think I'd have had a breakdown or worse by now.

Sod the money, get her out of there now. Sometimes you don't know whats best for yourself and need someone who loves you to do the harsh thing for your own good.