Should I trust my fiance out tonight?

seanparkin

Thanks Ian, thats what I'm hoping for - with a bit of luck she'll get on with the new friends shes made at work and have enjoyed being out tonight that she'll actually want to be out on her own and be more independant (and also so I'll worry less!)

Perhaps then she will also let me out without her needing to tag along!

Murtle

In comparison to her friends is she heaps and heaps worse or are they all similar? it may be fitting in with her peers, or nerves (where a drink helps), or a lack of confidence that causes her to drink like this. Maybe she sees it as letting "the inside" her out for the night.

notakid

You say you have been together for 3 years and not spent anytime apart to me that shows that she loves you and wants to be with you. The drink may make her say things that she doesn't really mean but as long as she doesn't take it any further thats okay. She may just want to go out with the girls and have a laugh and be thankful that she is not part of the `meat market` as she has a steady boyfriend also friends GOSSIP so she isn't going to do anything out of order as most girls would be a bit disapproving if she went off with other blokes when they know she is going steady (less for them)

Dora_the_Explorer_5

seanparkin wrote:

Concerned for her safety? With her being out on her own tonight or in general with the drinking?

I think she is more worried about her safety than we are when she's out and about. I think thats part of the reason she always wants me out with her as well. I do worry a little, but I know the chances of anything seriously bad happening to her are pretty slim.

With the drinking side, yes, we are a little. She is tiny (size 8, 5' 5") - Her mum has tried countless times telling her about the damage she could be doing to her kidneys/liver etc but she always shrugs it off, as she doesnt think she drinks that much even though she is small. No amount of telling her otherwise will change her thoughts - I love her to bits but she is easily the most stubborn person I know.

Sean, I meant her personal safety. If she's drunk and her mates are drunk she's putting herself in an unsafe position and taking a risk that someone won't spike her drink, take her home the long way, or worse.
If her mum is concerned about the amount she drinks the recommended level for a woman is not more than 14 units (that's 14 vodkas or beers) a week. If she's drinking around this level but cramming it into one or two sessions each week she's not drinking wisely. HTH

Minky2Slice

I can sympathize (spelling?) with your fiance, I am around the same age, and most of the time i feel as if i have become too dependent on my fiance...also goes with him wherever he goes most of the time and vice verca...(this is purely becauase we have moved house recentely and now all my friends live too far away to even see on the weekends)
I think its a good thing to regain your independence and it is great that she has made some new friends, even though my fiance is my best friend ever, you both need time apart spent with your own friends...as for you being worried over her safety and well-being...well, she might be like me and be more cautious when she goes out on her own without you... i tend to feel that when my fiance is with me, i have someone to look out for me and can enjoy myself more (drinking etc..), but when on my own, i have to be cautious and look after myself... hope this helps, letting her out on her own is probably the start of something good, try not to worry too much about it... being too dependent on each other can harm your relationship...

seanparkin

She is worse than her friends. I don't know her current friends but in the past she is much worse. I think it comes down to the being centre of attention. When she's sober she will do things like talk louder or wave her arms about to get more attention, but I think after a few drinks she does more and more drastic things to get attention. She is not a nervous person, and she is always more than confident (too confident...)

Yes, we've been together for three years and never been apart at night. Shocking eh. I know this shows a lot of love that we can be together every single night without fail, but it also shows a lot more just starting with a lack of independance. Its the 'as long as she doesnt take it any further' bit I'm worried about - I'm sure in the past that had I not been there she would have done. I don't know. Yes, in a way I'm concerned that she will put herself in an unsafe position if she tries one of her tricks with the wrong person, who will take it the wrong way and take advantage of her drunken state - bundling her into the back of a car. I'm very worried of that.

However I've told her no end of times to make sure she drinks sensibly, I've made sure she has her phone on her, with credit and charged, and have told her if she needs anything at all (even picking up) to call me.

What else can I do?

She does drink more than that. In an average weekend, we'll go to her mums on a saturday night where she will have one to one and a half bottles of wine on her own. If we stop in we'll normally share a bottle but often ends up being two. We will usually have about three to four bottles of wine a week between the two of us except when we go to her mums, as I drive and she ends up having lots more.

I know what you're thinking...!

seanparkin

Thanks Minky, thats a great help seeing it from that perspective - you've massively helped put my mind at ease!

Minky2Slice

seanparkin wrote:

Thanks Minky, thats a great help seeing it from that perspective - you've massively helped put my mind at ease!

well just reading your posts - you guys seems so similar to me and my fiance, its spooky! i dont normally drink way too much over the top, but i have had my times when you have that "morning after feeling" - remembering (or being told!) about the embarrasing things you've done the night before! whereafter i've made a vow never to let my lips touch any sort of alcohol again (normally doesn't last very long!)...however when i've been out on my own with friends, even though i might have been drinking a little too much, i still have that 'sense' of being aware and careful what i do (something that sadly doesnt exist when my fiance is around!)
I told my fiance to go out without me last weekend, it felt pretty weird after such a long time of being joined at the hip... but of course i trust him (he a bit older than me and more mature) and afterwards it felt good to know me and him can still be seperate and not feel too dependent

Dora_the_Explorer_5

seanparkin wrote:

She does drink more than that. In an average weekend, we'll go to her mums on a saturday night where she will have one to one and a half bottles of wine on her own. If we stop in we'll normally share a bottle but often ends up being two. We will usually have about three to four bottles of wine a week between the two of us except when we go to her mums, as I drive and she ends up having lots more.

I know what you're thinking...!

To be blunt, it would be considered that this level of consumption indicates out of control drinking. Coupled with the massive degree of dependence and the change in personality that you describe, it could be argued that there is a significant problem which needs to be addressed. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh Sean, but things are clearly worrying you. Is it time you sat down together and you told her how her behaviour makes you FEEL. Your feelings can't be argued with, but your opinions could be. So........do you feel ashamed, embarrassed, angry, humiliated, worried sick? HTH

Murtle

You mentioned your fiance being "too confident" I think one of the issues lies there, if she always wants to be centre of attention, there is underlying insecurities. Drinking helps mask these/buries them.

How did it go last night though? How was she this morning?

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