Should I trust my fiance out tonight?

seanparkin

Ello,

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for by posting this, perhaps just some people to bring me to my senses, not sure

But anyway, I've been going out with the missus for getting on three years now, and in all that time we've never been out at night without the other. I thought that can't be good for us so have sent her out with the girls tonight on her own as I'm sure it'll help her confidence a little and become slightly less reliant on me (she relys on me to to absolutely everything for/with her)

My only worry, is that past experience has shown that she can't really handle her drink, and when drunk tends to throw herself at every lad who shows her the slightest bit of attention. Even right infront of me. By throw herself, i mean throw herself, she once jumped onto one of her colleagues (from the front) wrapping her legs around his waist - right infront of me. I hope you can imagine the picture! Similar things have happened a few times before - including me coming back from the toilet on my works do to find her telling one of my colleagues how absolutely drop dead gorgeous he was.

So, am I right in being very nervous about this? Was I right in sending her out on her own with her friends? I assume that I shouldn't send a private investigator out. I also know most of you will probably come back just saying 'if you don't trust her, why are you engaged!' etc, but we all know its not quite that simple.

Please, somebody help my conscience

Sean

Murtle

can you not ask you her to drink sensibly? obviously in nicer words.

Does she know why she does it? and does it bother her when she's sober or does she just laugh it off?

Does she do it infront of you to get attention or does she do it always - probably harder to know if you're not there....?!

M

SnowyOwl_2

Does she acknowledge that she behaves like this when she's had a few too many? Perhaps she has briefed the girls and asked them to help her look after herself. Maybe they would even jump in a taxi with her and get her home if she gets a bit carried away. They know that she's engaged and if are true friends would intervene to preventing her from jeopordising her relationship.

Why does she have to drink to excess anyway? It's similar with some blokes who know they get aggressive when they have had a few and get drunk anyway. Don't drink so much or at all, problem solved.

It's good that she has a bit of independance from you, but she must also realise that she has to be responsible for herself. If drink makes her lose her inhibitions to that extent then abstince in public is probably her best bet.

I would say she'll probably come home early this evening having missed you too much....

seanparkin

Yes, I've asked, pleaded, begged her to drink sensibly now and in the past. I'm not sure what happens, she goes out with the best intentions but then when there, she gets a bit carried away in the moment. She doesnt have the ability to stop, even when I tell her to stop and refuse to buy her any more (I carry all the money for this reason), she goes bananas at me accusing me of being boring at the very best! She's a bit like a shark, when she smells wine theres a frenzy to be had!

Her mum tells her the same, but she doesnt listen to her either, shes incredibly stubborn. She doesnt realise that she even does it, but when I tell her what shes done sometimes she will seem apologetic, sometimes she will shrug it off, 'I was only having a good time!'. Once she promised me she'd quit drinking forever because of an episode, that went down the pan after four days.

I think it may partially be her doing it to get attention. She always has to be centre of attention and when she jumped on her colleague I think that was because I'd shrugged her off after being drunk and spilling wine down me, so she jumped on him.

I don't think she will have briefed the girls, as I don't think she would admit to it. I'm not sure I trust them being young (20 ish) year olds, I overheard her say to a friend 'I bet my skirt is going to get really dirty tonight' (as she was wearing a pure white skirt) and her friend replied 'oooh, you expecting a bit of fun tonight then?' - Not sure about the seriousness of it!

I wish she could stop drinking when shes started, but she just cant. She doesnt have the ability to stop. Both me and her mum have asked and pleaded with her to cut down/stop but she just wont/cant once she starts.

Thanks for the comments!

Murtle

Not an excuse but if she is young, then maybe she is just having fun. Maybe the limitations on her are too tight, like a child rebelling against her parents still. Why are you and her Mum advising her not to drink too much? does she still live at home or with you?

It may be hard, but so long as the "fun" doesn't become unfaithful, then maybe it is fun? I don't know?

It's a hard one, but I guess you have to trust her or move on? maybe having some freedom will allow her to explore what she wants and her own limits?

seanparkin

Ian,

I don't put these burdens and inflictions on her, she puts them on me. She's the one whos always in the past asked me (told me) to go with her whenever she goes out anywhere or she won't go, and practically demanded she goes along when I go anywhere. I've tried to not do this in the past, its only until now I've absolutely put my foot down and refused to go though.

She's the one who tells me to look after the money. She has her own job, her own life and money, its just whenever either of us go out at night. I wish she would have gone out on her own right from the start, but she has only just these last few months started to build friends who she actually likes and gets on with (and I'd only just moved into the area so knew nobody, and still don't know very many people).

I do trust her, its just I don't trust the wine.

She's 25 (26 next month!) - and has done the clubbing/taking alsorts of pills/drinking to death thing already and passed through it. She lives with me, and the reason we tell her to cut down her drink is because she cant handle it and it does make her do stupid things.

Thanks for the comments

Murtle

on an aside, in answer to your question

put your trust in her, and let her know that. There's nothing worse then not being trusted, so she could just think, sod it he won't believe me anyway, so why does it matter....?!

Edit: what I am trying to say is don't make it in to a big thing. She is likely to grow out of it, and I don't mean that in a patronising way, it's just that some people "have more fun" then others.

You have to trust her, she's gone. Just ask her in the morning if she had a good time, don't go looking for embarrasing moments, if there are try and laugh them off with her, don't tell her off. She'll learn.

x

seanparkin

I've done nothing but show her I trust her completely, having told her so in as many words and with letting her out on her own. I'd never do anything but!

seanparkin

I think I completely agree. Just writing all this down and reading responses is opening things up a little more for me anyway as I'm always appreciative of learning what other views exist besides mine!

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Just a thought - are you at all concerned for her safety? Is she? Is her mum? Perhaps a discussion along these lines might help?

seanparkin

Concerned for her safety? With her being out on her own tonight or in general with the drinking?

I think she is more worried about her safety than we are when she's out and about. I think thats part of the reason she always wants me out with her as well. I do worry a little, but I know the chances of anything seriously bad happening to her are pretty slim.

With the drinking side, yes, we are a little. She is tiny (size 8, 5' 5") - Her mum has tried countless times telling her about the damage she could be doing to her kidneys/liver etc but she always shrugs it off, as she doesnt think she drinks that much even though she is small. No amount of telling her otherwise will change her thoughts - I love her to bits but she is easily the most stubborn person I know.