DH's money situation needs an overhaul - extra question please

ema_o

My OH was very similar to your DH when we first met - he lived with his parents and other than paying a small amount of rent, all he earnt was spent on going out/smoking/lunches and so on.
He has gradually improved, but we did this together, we started by saving for a holiday, putting a set amount aside as soon as we got paid. Eventually we moved on to saving for a house (which we now own ) I honestly think that the saving is what helped him get his head around money and stop spending so much. I also think if he hadn't I would have been miserable being the only one responsible for money.
Couple of things he does that could help your DH are:
Lunches - he either takes leftovers from dinner the day before, or he shops for a few days worth of lunches - few tins of tuna, jar of mayo, pitta breads, bag of salad, and keeps them in the fridge at work. Not sure if your OH has this, but if not it might be a worthwhile investment (ours came 2nd hand from a board in a supermarket for £30).
Going out - this was his major problem as well and he is still capable of spending £100!!!! on a night out. He reduced how often he does this - now he would go on a night like this once a month or less, plus occasional cheaper nights out. To make up for this he has the lads round, either a few of them to play poker, just one friend to play on computer football games (yawn) etc, and the lads return the favour.

I would suggest showing your DH this thread. I really think if my OH managed to get better at managing his finances anyone can do it!

Lilith1980

Thanks Ema_o.

He could certainly take leftovers to work with him, it would help me too so I can cook in big batches and we both have them for lunch the next day.

After doing the sums, taking into account all his bills and an amount to put into savings (which he'd give to me to put away), he could still buy his lunch each day and have a reasonable amount to go out with a couple of times a week. He earns a good wage, it's just he goes over his limits.

I've been wondering whether to suggest him giving me his bank card (we could trial it for a month or two) and I give him what he needs for lunch, ciggies and going out each week. If he goes over his budget and has nothing left then it's tough.

Or does this make me the wicked witch of the west??
I've got up today and feel so ill because this is making me worry a lot. It's not like it's landing us in trouble but it could do, and I think I am just exhausted from worrying about it. I am sensible with my money and I feel frustrated that my DH isn't and I do end up paying for it in a way because I am paying for most of our holiday this year because he's not got off his butt and saved anything. Maybe me holding the purse strings for a while might make him think? I know it would certainly alleviate my worries but I'm not sure whether it would be the best thing because at the end of the day he has to take responsibility for what he spends and if I take over his finances, he's on easy street.

I don't want to mother him or treat him like a child....but then the worry is doing my head in :rolleyes:

What are people's opinions on this? Do they think giving him a weekly amount from his account is a good way to go or too "mothering"? Or should I let him get on with it and learn from his mistakes - bearing in mind this has been going on for months and he keeps doing it, which I pointed out to him yesterday.

Thanks for your advice

Any

Lilith1980 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies.

I've talked to him, have now got his credit card which I will cut up and also write a letter for him to sign to cancel it.

I said he needs help with his finances and he agrees so we will set limits for spending when we go out and I will keep tabs on this. He has said he's giving up smoking but I'm cynical about this but he has no fags on him now so we will see.

Slightly out of the blue, we went to see a flat after work which a friend of his is renting out. It's a stones throw from his office which will mean he doesn't have to get a cab into work (he does at the moment). This will save him £140 a month which he's going to give to me.

As for the taxis as part of his job, I checked with him and he draws the money for taxis out of the company bank account so that's ok.

I think I just have to be tougher and not be afraid that he'll think I'm moaning because I think it's the only way to get the message through.

Hi,
This definitely sounds like my OH.
I have all his credit cards and now total control over his finances. The worse thing was, that he was brought up in the family where finances was seen as very private issue and therefore he didn't like me sticking my nose into these things (and we are married).
I had to threaten with divorce, because unless he sorts himself out I do not want to have a children with man like this and that did the trick.
He is still grumpy when I go through bank statement etc, but now I ignore that and just give him a hard stare. He backs down then.

As you say, you cannot ask him to stop smoking. He has to be wanting to stop himself. But I did put mine onto "cut down" regime where he only gets 10 a day and has to try to manage them to last him. Otherwise he gets into lighting a cigarette without thinking about it and that costs a lot of money. I myself am moderate smoker (with a drink at the evening) so I understand how hard it is.

Spend for taxis and £4.50 a day for lunches is unnecessary. But you cannot make man change and start making lunches at home. It's not "manly" in their eyes. Try to send him out with bar and banana/juice so he only has to buy a sandwich itself and you find that this already cuts the cost down by 1/2.

Any

You said he is selfemployed. What does he do? Doesn't he need to take clients out occasionaly or something? Or go to the meeting? Or does he have separate account for that?

Lilith1980

No he has a separate account for business spends so that separates things out a bit.

Any

I myself am not too sure about taking his debit card of him as well. He has to learn to deal with his cash. Also think that if he run out he would just withdraw it from his business account anyway if he wanted to spend more.
Definitely not give him credit card though.
And ask him to contribute into savings account as well as joint account, every month.

dinkytwostep

Hi Lilith - why don't you ask your OH to open a basic cash account where he gets a debit card but can't get an overdraft facility. He agrees a sum per month for him to spend and it's put into his account each month. He then has full control over his own spending. (you then look after the joint account/savings).

Lilith1980

We don't have a joint account (I wouldnt trust him not to spend my money as well!) so maybe we can transfer an amount from his other account into that one with no overdraft and he just has that card to draw from each month.

ema_o

I'm worried at the idea of you taking control of his bank account as well, this might backfire so he never learns to budget for himself.
When you say you have done the sums - have you done them together or seperately? The idea of him putting aside some for saving plus enough to cover bills is a great one, this is exactly what we do (although OH has access to this in joint accounts we have agreed what it is for so he doesn't just dip into it).
Potentially he could stop using his main account and have a basic account - he could set up to transfer weekly the amount you both agree as fair. That way if he spends all his money going out he has no money for lunches and vice versa. Similar to giving him 'pocket money' but giving him a bit more control (and less responsibility for you).

Any

Lilith1980 wrote: »

We don't have a joint account (I wouldnt trust him not to spend my money as well!) so maybe we can transfer an amount from his other account into that one with no overdraft and he just has that card to draw from each month.

So how do you get money from him for bills?
You don't have to give him a card for that account.
I find that this way it is extremely easy - we have standing order set up each for the next day after payday to send money into joint account from where all the bills and food gets paid.
I have a card because I do the food shopping.
All the rest on our own accounts is for us to spend. So we know exactly how much we have each to spend. There are no Direct debits to leave in the middle of the month or anything so you are not surprised about your bank balance ever (at least it works like that for me, OH has his son's phone bill coming out of his, but then he gets the bill in advance).
I know at any point of time how much I have of disposable money and behave accordingly. Don't need to worry about bills etc.