Three of us in this relationship - how to deal?

geordieaussie

I've got a similar mother in law...and mother. Both very opinionated. Both very nosy. Both very controlling, although they'd deny it.

I would second the advice of who ever said "smile and nod, smile and nod". It's best to keep the peace. I've found that a lot of the time both mother's just feel that they're being useful and want to impart all of the wisdom they've collected over the years. Listen politely and thank them for their advice. Talk it over with your partner and then do whatever you want.

However, I would disagree with explaining to your MiL that you can easily live on 1K a month. I've found it best not to share any details of our finances with either family. It's difficult sometimes as I'm not secretive by nature. However, you're both adults and your finances are your own business. Sharing details is just inviting others to have an opinion. You could just tell her that you've both thought your decision through thoroughly and are confident in your choice. End of.

Just after we bought our first place, my husband did a little bit of oversharing with his family and told them how much our mortgage was. A couple of weeks later his 5 year old step sister commented that she "didn't know how we could sleep at nights with such a lot of debt". Wonder where she heard that from........

view

I wouldn't say anything at all and just get on with it. Or, if you are put into a situation where you have to respond, just say thanks for the advice, you and your bf will consider all options - and then do what you want anyway.

The biggest thing is to keep your bf on track - however, a little alarm bell, if his mama did all this for him, more than likely he'll expect you to do it! So make sure everything is equally divided from the start - otherwise the pattern will never change.

Best of luck in your move!

GJ x

SugarSpun

He'll either manage to break the apron strings or he won't. I spent ten years with my ex before realising that his mother was always going to control his behaviour no matter how much he resented it.

Your partner needs to cut out the interference asap, otherwise it will continue. I wish you all the luck in the world.

tori.k

never_enough wrote: »

Mothers & their sons...they just can't let go, or help themselves from interfering, that's just how it works! :rolleyes: Mothers & their daughters...can't wait for them to leave or help themselves from interfering....
.

Dont tar us all with the same brush..:rotfl:ive got 3 boys, love them to bits, but cant wait till hubby and me get more of our lives back...my MIL no problem...my mother:D lovely as she is...is a royal pain the the backside, espec since ive been off work since feb, she's "just passing" most days, even tho we live in different towns:rotfl:, or "just popping in for 5 mins" and still there 2 hrs later, she is bored being stuck at home with dad since he retired... 8 yrs ago, he's took to hiding in the shed...lol, think i will join him...

blue_ashleigh

My OH's mum still cries every time she speaks to him... and still believes he's going to move back home!
Mention to your OH that you understand his mother's concern but that he's got to live his own life - but don't say anything negative about his mum!!!
You're going to be stuck with his mother for a loooong time presumably so definately smile and nod in her presence!

Pee

Agree with the advice here. You don't want to intervene yourself, it needs to be your OH that gently but firmly puts himself in charge of his life. Once you have moved, it should be better. It is worth thinking and talking about the expectations that you have for one another once you have moved, though.

Dinah93

NoAngel wrote: »

I'm in a similar situation, I'm 22 and my OH is 24, and I've been offered a job which is almost 200 miles away. In the current economoc climate I was lucky to get any job in my chosen field, so I accepted it. However, OH is now being told by his mother that he shouldn't move with me and should just see each other at weekends (which would be every other weekend realistically due to the 4 hour drive each way). After living together for four years this would probably not be ideal!

I've basically been keeping neutral, telling him it's up to him what he decides, not saying anything positive/negative about his mother and hoping he'll come to his own decision. I think you should just accept that she'll probably always interfere a bit but you must smile and agree! Unless you want to confront her, but I think that in the end this will only make life more difficult.

I think mothers must be more protective of their sons, and don't think that we will take good enough care of them! Sorry I can't be of more use, but I think all MILs can be a pain at times.

If after 4 years he didn't say straight off 'of course I'm coming with you' I'd be very concerned!

My OH moved from Ireland to England to be with me, his mother was more than less than impressed. Up until he moved both him and his brother asked how high when she said jump, and didn't have a shred of backbone when it came to her between them! Since moving over though he's really grown some balls, and stands up to her a lot, especially when shes mean about me.

Last time we went over to see her (bearing in mind she only made 3 hours space in the 4 days we were over because of all the golf she wanted to play) she was especially vocal about her dissaproval. Comments include:

MiL: It's just not possible to be happy on less than £60k a year, you talk about having a £30k salary like this makes you something (to me) trust me, it doesn't.

MiL: Your brother will be earning at least £1.5m a year when he finishes uni, then how will that make you feel?
OH: There's more to life than money

MiL: You need to earn at least £1million a year to be happy, this one (me) is downright deluded if she's convinced you (OH) its possible to be poor and happy.

MiL: You say £30k like it's a good salary, but that's nothing more than pocket money.

MiL: (to OH) Just you watch out, I have a friend who is a teacher (what he wants to be) and his wife earns more than him and she never lets him forget it, it'll be the same with this one (gestures to me).

MiL: (to OH) You're not suited to teaching, you need a proper job and stop messing around, you're not a teenager. And I fully blame this one's (me) mother for dragging you down that path.

MiL: (to me) You know you look a lot better with your hair tied back
Me: Oh, thank you, OH prefers it loose but it bothers me a bit sometimes
MiL: But you really do need to look at finding a proper dentist for some braces, it'll take a few years, but they'll be all sorted out by the time this one (OH) comes home and you need to attract the next one.

MiL: We're getting your brother a new car you know
OH: Yes, dad mentioned it.
MiL: He can't be seen to be driving around in that tatty old thing. I won't even mention your wreak
OH: It's 11 years and I haven't had any real issues
Mil: Still. We'd be supporting you too but you did have to go and flit off to England. You can't expect any support if you leave the country. I'm dissapointed you chose to put sex before family.

MiL: Why didn't you rent a car instead?
OH: It's too expensive as I'm under 25, in 3 or 4 years we'll probably do that
MiL: (snort of derision) You had better be back from your jaunt by then, forget just coming to rent a car!

MiL: We've decided to build out that plot of land in your brothers name soon for him (they've always said they are building and selling a house per brother to give them some seed money)
OH: I thought you were doing my one first?
MiL: I can't do that, you're not in the country, there's no point.

MiL: Maggie Thatcher was the best thing to happen to your country
Me: I disagree, I think she focussed very much on the south and left the north to rot
MiL: (to OH) I hope you're strong enough not to let this one tell you how to vote because that seems to be what shes doing. Oh did I tell you my friend Robert is standing to be an MEP? You'll have to fly back and vote for him after all he did for me pushing the planning through on my house.

MiL: Be careful with this one and don't go burdening yourself with any extra responsibilities (OH is actually very keen to have a baby, I'm not ready!).

MiL: (on phone to OH) You're only 22, extremely young, I'd be very disapointed if you made any permanent decisions before 30.

MiL: If you can't afford to send your children to private school thats a failing on you, and you will hate yourself for it
Me: Actually both myself and my brother went to private school for 7 years each (cheeky dig there, her two only went two years each) and I wouldn't really want my children in that environment, it might be good acedemically but its sterile and you only mix with an extremely limited group of people.
MiL: Yes but that's the only group of people who matter.

Woman drives me batty! All I can say is once my OH moved away from her he really developed into a man, and started to stand up for himself, hopefully yours will stand up for himself and you too once he's not feeling so trapped in the middle.

SugarSpun

Dinah, my ex's mother was exactly the same way. The first time we met she called me a sl*t (I'm not sure if the filter eats that word!) and it all went downhill from there. She hid his passport a couple of times so he couldn't travel when we lived in different countries, and was astonishingly nice to me when he was in the room only to turn nasty as soon as he was out of earshot.

We broke up for a while and he was dating a woman who's notorious for being an absolute sociopath. She and his mother got along incredibly well. Strange.

Gingham_Ribbon

Dinah93 wrote: »

MiL: (to me) You know you look a lot better with your hair tied back
Me: Oh, thank you, OH prefers it loose but it bothers me a bit sometimes
MiL: But you really do need to look at finding a proper dentist for some braces, it'll take a few years, but they'll be all sorted out by the time this one (OH) comes home and you need to attract the next one.

Wow. She sounds lovely! :eek:

[Deleted User]

PCOS doesn't mean no children at all... have you ever been put on Metformin?