Three of us in this relationship - how to deal?

eyelinerprincess

OH and I are getting ready to move in together after living with our parents, and my mum is as supportive as anything, but his is being a total, well, cow about it. She is telling OH that we can't afford it (when after rent and council tax we will have around a thousand to live off of a month), that we're crazy for choosing a 3 bed for only two of us, that we should find somewhere cheaper (in reality, that's the cheapest we're going to get, and it's a good flat for the rent we'll be paying). This is, as you can imagine, grinding OH down slowly.

This is what she's done his whole life, at the age of 23 she chooses his clothes, tells him what to do, when to get a haircut, and generally rules his life. I'd love to tell her to go and **** herself, but I'm not the kind of person to do that. Every little detail of his day has to be relayed to her, no matter how insignificant. I also think she's peed off at me for having PCOS and not being able to have kids at 16 like she and the rest of her family have.

I have no idea how to deal with her, and I don't think OH does either. He feels he can't ignore her as it's been drilled into him so much that she's taken over his life. Anyone help?

irnbruicecream

if you are moving in together then hopefully his mother wont have such a hold over him and he will start to become a little more independant. This is probably why she is finding it hard to let him go. Does she have any other children? Ive always found the bond between mother and son very different to mother and daughter! I have 2 sons and cant imagine what my life would be like if they moved out, but they are only 2 and 4 lol

Money_maker

I dont think you need to learn to deal with her - your OH does. Once he readjusts his relationship with her she should back off a bit.

Oldernotwiser

Are you moving a good distance away or just round the corner?

Emmzi

You - smile, nod, and do what you want to do anyway
OH - has to make his own choices and if you try to interfere, it will just lead to pain for you. He has to come to his own realisation. Your job - smile, and nod, whatever he says about mum. Don't agree or disagree or say anything either side could cast up later. (For all you know he tells her every word you say.)

Smiling. Nodding. Keeping out of it. Being lovely, living your own life.

pretzelnut

I think we have the same mother in law.

Tell her to mind her own business - i do.
What you do with your life is up to you. Granted advice is appreciated but only if its advice.
My mother in law thinks she can tell us what to do and throws an almighty strop if we dont follow her advice.
Threatening to cut DF out of the will, saying she will disown him, to which i reply - thank god at least we'll get some peace. Its emotional blackmail and doesnt wash with me im afraid.
At first i kept quiet then i ended up blowing my stack as everyone felt the same as me but just let her get on with it.

She now knows i wont stand for her rubbish. DF is a bit behind me although he is starting to stand up for himself more and more every day. He's also had 23 years of it day in day out (im quite proud of him)

On to the house issue, trust me its ok writing things down on paper but in reality a house costs more than you think especially when you 1st move out.

I 1st left home 10 years ago but have recently just moved and it has cost us a fortune, im just talking about general bills here too.

Its up to you where you live but a 3 bed house for 2 of you is a bit of a waste - with the extra heating for 2 rooms that might not get used, but its fine if you plan on having loads of people stay over or turning 1 room into an office. You might have kids in time - a 3 bedroom house will save you having to move again.

Its your money and you can spent it however you wish.

I have come to the conclusion that my mother in law is jealous. She hates me with a passion but i suspect she would hate any girl he was with so im not fussed - she's not my mother.
Ive taken her baby away from her (the last to fly the nest) and now she has no one to look after, leaving her feeling abandoned.

I guess i'd feel the same when all my kids have left home to but i wouldnt try and live their lives for them.

She has even tried telling me how to raise my 2 kids (not my DF's ) but the one im expecting is. Im dreading the day she's born.

NoAngel

I'm in a similar situation, I'm 22 and my OH is 24, and I've been offered a job which is almost 200 miles away. In the current economoc climate I was lucky to get any job in my chosen field, so I accepted it. However, OH is now being told by his mother that he shouldn't move with me and should just see each other at weekends (which would be every other weekend realistically due to the 4 hour drive each way). After living together for four years this would probably not be ideal!

I've basically been keeping neutral, telling him it's up to him what he decides, not saying anything positive/negative about his mother and hoping he'll come to his own decision. I think you should just accept that she'll probably always interfere a bit but you must smile and agree! Unless you want to confront her, but I think that in the end this will only make life more difficult.

I think mothers must be more protective of their sons, and don't think that we will take good enough care of them! Sorry I can't be of more use, but I think all MILs can be a pain at times.

ELLA

My fil is pretty much the same, I had to drum into my husband that he needed to grow some balls and stand up to his dad - His dad always thought he was right and knew what was best when he didn't! My husband has finally after five years grown those balls and stands up to his dad - so I guess what I'm saying is that your partner needs to lear how to deal with his mum - good luck

never_enough

Mothers & their sons...they just can't let go, or help themselves from interfering, that's just how it works! :rolleyes: Mothers & their daughters...can't wait for them to leave or help themselves from interfering....

It does seem to very much be a mother/son thing, I guess it's down to some strange jealousy at being replaced as the woman in your sons life, rather than being proud to have raised a man who is going on to have his own life. I was quite shocked recently when a very close & gentle friend of mine was talking about her sons future partner as "that b***h that's going to take him away from me"...her little boy is only 18 months! :eek: She says it kills her to think of it, even in 20/30/40 years time!

Try to bit your tongue, just support your bf from a neutral(ish) position. If she carries on it will drive a wedge between them, but lovely as that may seem for you it wouldn't be great for him. You can get your message across without being overly in her face about it, or just do as previous posters have said, nod, & do what you want.
Best of luck.

1sue23

Mums and their sons, my son aged 22 is moving out in a week and I am a wreck he is my last one at home and I have empty nest syndrome ,he is moving in with his friend and I hate it, the way I am acting you would think he was leaving the country he is moving a 10 min walk away the thought of just dinner for 2 and what the hell am I going to talk about with my husband now is filling me with dread ,there is a bond between mother and son like no other and it is very difficult to break ,but I am going to hold my tongue and let him get on with it and hope for the best, at the end of the day it is up to your partner to sever the apron strings and once this is done life will get easier ,the more you seem to manage the easier it will be for his mother who will slowly realize that her son can manage without her.

Bitsy_Beans

Only a thousand quid to live on a month?!!!! That's about 3 times more than what me and my H have to live on (and we've got 2 small kids!!!). I would point that out to her. If we can manage on so little then am pretty sure you will be OK on £1K :rotfl:
I would avoid being too negative about his mum (can push him back towards her IYSWIM) but focus on the positives about you moving in together.
Good luck, hope it all works out for you.