What do you think about this?

AllyS

I just wanted to thank you all. I needed help from people that were not part of the situation and didn't know us, that could see things that friends (who love us both) couldn't.

You have been brilliant - and to think I was worried about posting.

Please, if anyone has anymore comments/advice/ideas - real life experiences, please post them I will still be needing them.

Thanks again Ax

AllyS

Pssst wrote: »

Whilst that might be part of the problem,i think it runs much deeper than simple sex.

I think he has some complex issues going on which will not be easily resolved in the short term simply by trying to spice up your sex life.

Do you think maybe he needs to see a counsellor? or seek help elsewhere?

Bitsy_Beans

Pssst wrote: »

Whilst that might be part of the problem,i think it runs much deeper than simple sex.

I think he has some complex issues going on which will not be easily resolved in the short term simply by trying to spice up your sex life.

I wasn't suggesting that just by getting some marital aids will magically transform everything. The couple sound as though they are drifting apart and that first and formost needs to be addressed. Given the blow to self esteem I think jumping into the sack will be the last thing on their mind.

OP I wish you luck. Hope you manage to sort things out.

grey_lady

IMHO Relate is where you need to go, even if you can only afford to go once a month at £20 a time.

smartpicture

I think you need to be careful about taking responsibility for this yourself, and thinking it's down to you to spice up your sex life to resolve things.

Firstly, if that was the problem, then he could have chosen to take steps himself in that direction, rather than the route he took. And secondly, it's absolving him of the responsibility he should be taking to for his part in sorting this out, especially for the equally serious offence of lying.

My ex used to do a similar thing. To be honest, so long as he wasn't actually arranging to meet someone I could have coped with the sexual talk, although I appreciate a lot of women couldn't. However, I could not cope with the lying, and the constant promises to change followed by more lies. I made efforts to spice up our love life, and it worked. For a time. Then it started again, because he got bored again, and without going into too much detail, the boundaries had to be pushed further each time to maintain his level of interest in our sex life until he would start lying and contacting other women again. I would always find out, because he wasn't that great at covering his tracks, and it caused me a lot of pain.

I spend hours agonising over the reasons behind his behaviour - but eventually I realised that the bottom line was that he simply didn't care enough about my feelings to moderate his behaviour, and his actions were simply the result of selfishness rather than the deep-seated psychological explanation I was searching for.

I hope that's not the case with your relationship, but it is at least a possibility to consider.

k2tog

My two penn'orth FWIW - this sounds really sad. I think the opposing work times are a large contributory factor. If you aren't seeing much of each other and the time that you are is spent doing mundane stuff that we all have to do, it is easy to lose sight of each other as people. It may sound twee, but have you tried "booking" some time with each other? Maybe he feels like part of the furniture (I am not justifying what he has done BTW) maybe you do too? Perhaps just spending time when you are not talking about money, childcare, whether it's bin day etc will help you both reconnect. I honestly don't think this is really about sex but will probably be about feeling appreciated, attractive, worth being listened to etc.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.

AllyS

This is what I am worried about, he doesn't even make any effort to cover his tracks - he knows I am pretty savvy on the computer and knows that I can catch him out easily. I just choose not to. I did send him a text last night saying I will work on having a better sex drive if he is more thoughtful and romantic - so we will see how that goes.

I could handle him talking to women - I told him that he could carry on, but I am wandering if that was the wrong thing to do, maybe he wanted me to beg him to stop and tell him how much I love him - it is all rather confusing.

My DH is very selfish and at times not very loving - he has softened in the many years that we have been together, I am always telling him that I wish he thought about my feelings more.

I am pretty sure it is not psychological, he is pretty easy to work out - I am pretty sure that it was cheap and safe !!!!!! - something again I don't have a problem with if he didn't keep hiding it.

Thanks again

smartpicture wrote: »

I think you need to be careful about taking responsibility for this yourself, and thinking it's down to you to spice up your sex life to resolve things.

Firstly, if that was the problem, then he could have chosen to take steps himself in that direction, rather than the route he took. And secondly, it's absolving him of the responsibility he should be taking to for his part in sorting this out, especially for the equally serious offence of lying.

My ex used to do a similar thing. To be honest, so long as he wasn't actually arranging to meet someone I could have coped with the sexual talk, although I appreciate a lot of women couldn't. However, I could not cope with the lying, and the constant promises to change followed by more lies. I made efforts to spice up our love life, and it worked. For a time. Then it started again, because he got bored again, and without going into too much detail, the boundaries had to be pushed further each time to maintain his level of interest in our sex life until he would start lying and contacting other women again. I would always find out, because he wasn't that great at covering his tracks, and it caused me a lot of pain.

I spend hours agonising over the reasons behind his behaviour - but eventually I realised that the bottom line was that he simply didn't care enough about my feelings to moderate his behaviour, and his actions were simply the result of selfishness rather than the deep-seated psychological explanation I was searching for.

I hope that's not the case with your relationship, but it is at least a possibility to consider.

AllyS

I agree with this too - we maybe spend an hour a day together when we are both at work - we have not had a whole weekend to ourselves for a very long time - it has been a busy year.

He has been hinting at weekend away for a long time - and last week got some incentive vouchers from work, before this happened we booked a night away. He has begged me not to cancel it so I will not. The problem is when we are together we have a lot of fun together - we really are best friends - and whatever happens always will be (I could never hate him), so it will be hard to remain objective.

Thanks guys Ax

k2tog wrote: »

My two penn'orth FWIW - this sounds really sad. I think the opposing work times are a large contributory factor. If you aren't seeing much of each other and the time that you are is spent doing mundane stuff that we all have to do, it is easy to lose sight of each other as people. It may sound twee, but have you tried "booking" some time with each other? Maybe he feels like part of the furniture (I am not justifying what he has done BTW) maybe you do too? Perhaps just spending time when you are not talking about money, childcare, whether it's bin day etc will help you both reconnect. I honestly don't think this is really about sex but will probably be about feeling appreciated, attractive, worth being listened to etc.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.

k2tog

Perhaps your night away being away from the house, kids, distractions will make it easier to talk and for him to be honest about what is on his mind. In your position I would be feeling very insecure and anxious and this would be a real barrier to me being pleasant to be around . He needs to understand that what he is doing isn't helping you at all. You may be right about him wanting you to kick up more of a fuss - you are the best person to know this. Maybe you could make some rules (if you struggle to do it seriously, do it with humour) ie spend 20 mins catching up between work and each pay the other a compliment or leave a note for the other to find after work, that doesn't involve chores/info/boring stuff? These are only suggestions but it seems like you need some sort of mechanism to both be able to be a bit more risky with communicating with each other.

ameliarate

Personally after "catching" him the second time, certainly the third my tolerance would have been reached.

I accept that talking isn't doing but nevertheless to me this kind of conversation is almost as bad as being unfaithful.

Being a "private" person is no excuse, there is a relationship at risk here and he needs to make every effort to sort things out if he wants to keep it. Boredom/lonliness is no excuse, he could have got himself a hobby or done some voluntary work.