What do you think about this?

AllyS

A dilemma for you all - what would you do?

A man has been talking to women on the internet for 9 months. His wife has caught him 3 times, each time he has promised to stop. Wife even said that he could carry on talking to the girls, but no more lies, he said he didn't want to and promised he would stop.

She has caught him doing it again. She has read all the messages and apart from being a bit sexual, there is nothing wrong with the messages and she knows that he has not spoken or met any of them and even if they have asked, he has lied about why he cannot give out phone number/ meet etc..

They have spoken about, he says he loves her and wants to stop, but can't. He works funny shifts and she works full time, he spends a lot of time at home alone, he says he is lonely and bored. He says he is addicted and has asked wife to help him stop. All accounts have been deactivated and deleted. He has promised to be honest about this addiction from now on.

They otherwise have a very happy marriage (10 years) and love each other very much.

Do you think that the wife should forgive the man again? and how do they move on from this?

BitterAndTwisted

As he's admitted that he's addicted and has deleted the accounts, of course I would forgive. Thinking isn't doing, after all and no spouse has the right to claim their partner' thoughts. Now, how they move on is another issue altogether, for which I have no answer

lostinrates

AllyS wrote: »

Do you think that the wife should forgive the man again? and how do they move on from this?

I think the emphasis in this sentence is the wrong way round.

Should the man be forgiven? Is a better emphasis IMO.

Whether the wife should remain not is not really bout this issue alone, but the rest of the marriage. The husband has to take the role of dealing with his ''addiction'' and earning his trust.

I think, while this is in NO way an excuse, if the different time scales are a problem, and I can understand they might be, but not excuse the action taken, then they might need to look at seeing what would work better in the longterm for them, when the mans other issues are on the way to being resolved.

rach29

If he genuinely wants to stop, get a techie friend or a computer company to come round & block these sites on your router. That way he has no way to access the at all.

If he really wants to stop he should have no objection to this.

Good Luck

AllyS

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

As he's admitted that he's addicted and has deleted the accounts, of course I would forgive. Thinking isn't doing, after all and no spouse has the right to claim their partner' thoughts. Now, how they move on is another issue altogether, for which I have no answer

I agree that 'thinking' isn't doing. Most people can say they have said that a man/woman is gorgeous in a club and may have even had a flirt - that IMO is normal life. The conversations were very similar altho were sexual at times. The lying, now that is the hard part.

AllyS

rach29 wrote: »

If he genuinely wants to stop, get a techie friend or a computer company to come round & block these sites on your router. That way he has no way to access the at all.

If he really wants to stop he should have no objection to this.

Good Luck

It was a social network site (under a false identity) would this mean that the rest of the family couldn't access the site too? I think he would agree otherwise tho.

He has said that wife can take the laptop to work, but that seems mad to me. Trust has to be built up again surely?

Pssst

I suspect that given the opportunity,he may just meet one of these women. The only blockers might be that ;

A) he hasnt had the opportunity
The women are on dating sites and think he is single or know that he is in a relationship and so wont touch him with a bargepole.

Either way,the hypothetical female partner will gradually lose respect for him and the relationship is likely to lose focus and deteriorate.

AllyS

Pssst wrote: »

I suspect that given the opportunity,he may just meet one of these women. The only blockers might be that ;

A) he hasnt had the opportunity
The women are on dating sites and think he is single or know that he is in a relationship and so wont touch him with a bargepole.

Either way,the hypothetical female partner will gradually lose respect for him and the relationship is likely to lose focus and deteriorate.

Thanks for your reply, all advice/opinions are needed

It wasn't a dating website. A few women had said they wanted to meet/call, but he had said no to all of them - he hadn't deleted any messages in months and his wife read them all. He did have an opportunity to meet them as he is often home alone all day.

Nikabella

I don't really want to comment on whether the husband should be forgiven or not because I have to say I wouldn't be convinced that he might not have taken it further should the opportunity have arisen/he really won't do it again, as I have lived with someone who had an addiction to the same thing.

However, my advice is regarding the technical side. You could buy & install a keylogger for your computers/laptops, with his knowledge if this is what you would prefer, that way any websites that are visited, emails that are sent, basically anything that is typed into the computer would be able to be checked up on should you wish. If it is a real addiction & you want to tell him about it then you may still find that although he knows he will/can be caught he may still do it.

HTH

A.x

sarymclary

I would say that, before decisions regarding forgiveness and moving on can be considered, the reasons behind seeking this kind of contact be looked into. Loneliness is one thing, but seeking to engage in conversations only with people of the opposite sex, often of a sexual nature are surely clear indicators that the man in question was deriving more of a thrill from these encounters.

The fact that he has returned to the behaviour, despite being contrite, and remorseful shows that there is something he gets from it that draws him back, despite possibly wanting to abstain.

Unless the reasons for him wanting to make these connections is explored fully, and understood by you both, I cannot see him not finding another means of making contact eventually.

TBH I don't see him being lonely is the only reason. I would say it's to do with the excitement, and even the arousal he's getting. Why do the conversations have to become sexual in content? That shows that the need for 'contact' to combat his loneliness isn't the denominator.

I have been on the receiving end of someone making contact via a social networking site, who, initially was just chummy and funny to have 'banter' with, but I quickly recognised when they were trying to steer the conversation in a particular direction, of a more personal nature, and I wasn't prepared to go there.

It would be interesting to know if he's making the contact initially, how he does so, and what makes him choose who to make contact with.

Incidentally, social networking sites like facebook, msn, myspace, bebo, etc. all have privacy settings that make it nigh on impossible for a complete stranger to either find you in a search setting, or view your details/page. I have mine on very tight settings, so even searching for me by my real name in full will not find me.

Have you both considered some form of relationship counselling? It sounds as though this issue has become the 'elephant in the room' that neither of you are daring to expose, or accept is there still. There is no reason why the matter cannot provide a starting base to look at reassessing the relationship, where it's going, and how it can be improved for the benefit of both.

Good luck.

AllyS

You raise some excellent questions - thank you.

9 months ago the marriage was getting a bit stale and it started by accident - a girl contacted him in the first instance on is regular account. It was seen and that caused a brief argument, he then created a completely secret account and then it went from there. I think contact has happened on both sides from the messages, altho he has initiated it many times.

Interesting what you say about the loneliness and I agree that it is more than this - thank you for helping me to see that.

Marriage counselling was looked into last time, but it was too much money - I know you make a donation but the expected donation was about £20-£40 a session, we could not afford more than 1 a month - that seemed waste. He is a very private person and I don't think he would talk to a professional - not making excuses, but I am not willing to pay out money for him not to talk - I even looked into relationship weekends, but they were all centralised around the church - that would not work either.

sarymclary wrote: »

I would say that, before decisions regarding forgiveness and moving on can be considered, the reasons behind seeking this kind of contact be looked into. Loneliness is one thing, but seeking to engage in conversations only with people of the opposite sex, often of a sexual nature are surely clear indicators that the man in question was deriving more of a thrill from these encounters.

The fact that he has returned to the behaviour, despite being contrite, and remorseful shows that there is something he gets from it that draws him back, despite possibly wanting to abstain.

Unless the reasons for him wanting to make these connections is explored fully, and understood by you both, I cannot see him not finding another means of making contact eventually.

TBH I don't see him being lonely is the only reason. I would say it's to do with the excitement, and even the arousal he's getting. Why do the conversations have to become sexual in content? That shows that the need for 'contact' to combat his loneliness isn't the denominator.

I have been on the receiving end of someone making contact via a social networking site, who, initially was just chummy and funny to have 'banter' with, but I quickly recognised when they were trying to steer the conversation in a particular direction, of a more personal nature, and I wasn't prepared to go there.

It would be interesting to know if he's making the contact initially, how he does so, and what makes him choose who to make contact with.

Incidentally, social networking sites like facebook, msn, myspace, bebo, etc. all have privacy settings that make it nigh on impossible for a complete stranger to either find you in a search setting, or view your details/page. I have mine on very tight settings, so even searching for me by my real name in full will not find me.

Have you both considered some form of relationship counselling? It sounds as though this issue has become the 'elephant in the room' that neither of you are daring to expose, or accept is there still. There is no reason why the matter cannot provide a starting base to look at reassessing the relationship, where it's going, and how it can be improved for the benefit of both.

Good luck.